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Original poster

to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

895 replies

QwertyLou · 23/11/2018 03:08

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

OP posts:
WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 05/12/2018 07:22

You were not over reacting. A man you know to be a controlling twat, made you feel uncomfortable by insisting your son accept a secret present, and then barged past you into your home while carrying a gun. He has proved to you that he can go anywhere in your home and say anything to your son and you could not stop him - just because he wanted. He wasn't being a nice neighbour at all, he was stamping over your boundaries just to show you that he could, to teach you a lesson for saying no to his stupid party idea.

Please don't downplay this.

ohfourfoxache · 05/12/2018 08:07

You are not overreacting in the slightest - please please don’t feel that you are.

Valasca · 05/12/2018 08:22

I think she was being a complete drama llama and it’s great the OP explained. So often it has been pointed out that one of the tell tale signs of posters “embellishing” is updates in real time and people questioning ... who’d do that?! Well the OP explained just how an otherwise rational person would find herself posting updates in real time on a forum and sounding slightly more dramatic than intended.

Graphista · 05/12/2018 08:26

You're not overreacting!!

He didn't have to come over at all let alone while on duty and armed when he KNEW

You didn't want him there
You are nervous around guns
You are not a fan of his

Your mum needs her head wobbled! Or else you've not told the whole story, ditto uncle (Him in particular should know better or if not be very good if you did tell him whole tale and get his advice). Thanks

ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2018 09:23

You're not a drama llama, this man is a piece of shit and potentially dangerous in a variety of ways. Unfortunately, you clearly live somewhere with a moderate to high level of ingrained misogyny - women are supposed to obey and defer to men , and if they don't, it's OK for men to put them in their place.
Treat this dick with smiling contempt and keep your distance, and if he ever shows up at your house again either don't let him in or record yourself telling him to get out or you will call the police - and call them if he doesn't leave.

Remember he has no rights whatsoever where you and your DS are concerned. Certainly no right to set foot in your house/garden against your wishes and uninvited.

Original poster
QwertyLou · 05/12/2018 11:19

Thanks @LonnyVonnyWilsonTrickett i’ve got a lot more understanding for Jane now... if feeling pity for me helps her, I’m okay with being pitied!

Yes I managed to catch her at nursery and told her... she was a bit distraught. I felt really bad but also very relieved to get the “secret” off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
QwertyLou · 05/12/2018 11:25

@Swqueegle you’re totally right, that reverse scenario is very clearly wrong and I’d never be within 100 miles of that!

So yes I need to stop minimising and downplaying how wrong his actions were.

OP posts:
Original poster
QwertyLou · 05/12/2018 11:29

@MyOtherProfile you were right and I was wrong, Jane didn’t know about either the gift or the unscheduled visit

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 05/12/2018 11:33

Sorry to read that @QwertyLou I hoped I was wrong. Seriously dodgy bloke. How is Jane?

beachcomber243 · 05/12/2018 11:44

Please don't minimise. John is a strange man and needs to be avoided. He is unpredictable with odd behaviours which seem genuinely insidiously threatening to a single mother living on her own. With an unhealthy interest in your son, for whatever reason.

PegLegAntoine · 05/12/2018 11:45

Never apologise for following your instinct. Especially around dodgy controlling men

Original poster
QwertyLou · 05/12/2018 11:48

Not too good at the moment, she doesn’t have family so me pulling out of Christmas-related plans (to avoid John) was probably more upsetting than normal

OP posts:
Original poster
QwertyLou · 05/12/2018 12:05

@wellthisisshit what an amazing post.. i’m taking your advice on board.

I’m sorry your precious boy went through that and so glad he was able to tell you so quickly. You’re obviously an amazing mum 🌸🦋

OP posts:
picklemebaubles · 05/12/2018 12:20

Well done qwerty. Hopefully you and she will be in a better place soon.

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 05/12/2018 12:33

Really glad you told her Qwerty, but it's dodgy AF that he didn't say anything to her about it. She is clearly going to mentally struggle now as she believes you, but he's meant to be her life partner... I'd be half expecting her to flip it over and declare you're the one in the wrong (somehow?!) at this point. If I were you I'd tell as many people as possible about this weird thing John did, before she gets to that mental stage....

mathanxiety · 05/12/2018 19:44

Glad you talked to Jane. This was the right thing to do.

I agree with Contessa, spread this around.

When are you having that lunch with your friends you mentioned upthread?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2018 23:38

I appreciate you are concerned for Jane, but don't let that concern make you feel obliged to put up with John. There's only so much you could do to support Jane unless and until she decides to leave him, and you and your DS need to keep the horrible fucker well away from you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/12/2018 05:18

Glad you managed to have a chat with Jane and let her know about the "secret" present. If John is half as controlling as he appears on here, it's unlikely she will ever confront him about it for fear of how he'd react.

Your instincts are bang on, by the way - your mother's, not so much. Her reaction is ridiculous and one of the reasons that female subjugation is still entrenched in society - so ignore her dippy suggestions and continue to do what you feel is right to protect yourself and your son.

Glad you've spoken to your uncle about the firearm situation, hopefully that's a slight reassurance, but in all honesty, should he have been mending your fence in uniform in the first place? Almost certainly not! He must have some down-time, when he doesn't need to carry the thing around with him!

Anyway, that's all a bit immaterial now.

Hope they get the message and he backs off.

prettybird · 06/12/2018 19:13

I've been following this thread.

His "secret" visit and present might have been the beginning of a plan by John to alienate Jane from you (thereby eliminating yet more of her support group, isolating her still further and increasing his control over her).

He might have been planning on insinuating to her that you were the one pushing for him to visit and had designs on him - so that therefore she would be jealous and auspicious of you.

By telling her about the visit and present, you've taken that power away from him Smile

You have good instincts. Trust them Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/12/2018 19:37

You're not a drama llama at all! If he wasn't allowed to leave the gun in the car he should have left the premises with the gun! It was absolutely meant to intimidate.

RandomMess · 06/12/2018 19:44

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett that is exactly what I thought!

Squeegle · 08/12/2018 13:25

Well why would he come round in uniform at all if not to intimidate? He is obviously a control freak. Pity his poor wife, but definitely better avoided.

Scotschic · 12/12/2018 13:11

QwertyLou I have watched, and read so much on the Shanann Watts case and it honestly chills me to the bone, I was trying to find a thread for it which is why I’m now here on this thread, I couldn’t find any more, does anybody have a link to it that they could please post?

Hippywannabe · 16/12/2018 09:47

@Scotschic I have been following that case. It is horrific. Each new revelation shocks me more. Did you see the video of his reaction when he realised his neighbour's cctv had caught him on film ?

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