to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

OP - your friend is being interfering and overbearing. Just because it’s HER opinion that boys NEED to play football doesn’t make it right. I’ve raised 3 children. My son turning out to be a BIG strong man who played rugby very, very well plus lots of other sports. He’s 32, has a good job and owns his own home. I was single until he was 5. Not having football at parties does not hinder boys development. I well remember his third birthday party which was an activity of decorating their own lunch boxes (paint markers, stickers etc). Predominantly the other guests were from his nursery, they all needed to bring their food in each day hence choosing this. His fourth was a McDonald’s party (they actually had a party room) followed by a ninja turtle coming to our house for traditional party games. 5th was a magician at smolenskys on the strand. Definitely no running around and all had a great time. None had any football involved. Eventually a football party at about 9 or 10 years old. And just the once.

Please do tell your friend you have planned your son’s party activity with the 15 minutes of painting because it is YOUR son’s birthday and it is HIS request to do that. Actually then say, please don’t interfere with my son’s birthday wish.

And thanks to all the mums of boys saying that their sons like painting too!

Honestly until now, it never even crossed my mind that boys (as a group) might not like painting!

I've been to a painting party and it was a hit with the kids, be prepared to have kids running around trying to paint their friends! Send a firm text to your friend and husband that while you're grateful for their help you're respecting your sons wishes for a painting party. You will of course understand if they don't attend because they don't want their son to participate in unmanly activities. it has nothing to do with you being a single parent but more to do with a parent wants her son to be happy.

Tell her firmly not to hijack your son's party otherwise you'll assume she's hosting it so will take financial responsibility for it. She wants you to host a football party for her son so she should pay for it.

Don’t know about pinching johns balls I’d kick them

Block the football guys number and tell her not to pass your number out without your permission.

My boys aren't keen on painting. But every indoor party (cos of time of year) they've been to has involved a craft activity and they've never complained. I don't see a problem with doing it. But am cross on your behalf about your friend taking over

Jeez your ‘friend’ is rude.

Don’t worry about offending her, she’s being a dick.

Your sons party, your rules. They will all love painting, kids do! Much more than football.

Stick to your guns, and tell her to back off.

Who’s Lucy?

Have some adults ready to frog march John out of the party if he tries to start a football activity.

A ‘girls’ pamper party’? For 5/6 year olds? Dear God.

OP, your party plans sound great. Stick to your guns.

Any four year olds taking the piss out of painting being insufficiently masculine are children with terrible role models who have absorbed some very damaging messages from very poor parents/wiser family. I would feel very sorry for them if I ever encountered preschoolers with this view, but I am happy to say I never have. It sounds like a very unusual and extremely rigid mindset.

*definitley not wiser family! That was a typo which somewhat undermined my whole point! Bastard.

I felt really angry for you OP, this is YOUR DS's party not hers FFS!

Lol at pinch John's balls :)
Just echoing what everyone else said. Painting is in no way "for girls" and even if they were doing something that isn't widely popular then it's your sons party. But that's beside the point. Painting is popular, most weeks in reception surely?
And your son sounds like he has a great role model

Does your child like football at all ?

You could call her and say he’s Ill and the party is off !

Or let them come over and say the neighbours will complain about footy in the garden

None of the above will work, so it’s best to tell her straight that there will be NO football.

Bloody hell, be firm! Make it clear he is not welcome. Don't text, phone her. I'd be prepared to lose that friendship.

Not only is she rude, she's patronising and condescending about your decision-making abilities as a single mum.

Do not feel any need to be polite as you already have been more than once and she hasn't understood. Well she has, but thinks she knows better.

I'd not mention or refer to Lucy (although poor girl!). Stick to her DS being welcome but not having to attend if he can't cope with 15 mins of painting.

If her kids do come, I'd be wary of her staying, given what you said about her DDs party - she's obviously got some weird strong feelings and is likely to sabotage the painting with some snarky, gendered comments. So, if parents are staying I would definitely mention what's happened to someone who could be on your side there and help counter her if needed as you'll be busy already.

My son (and DD) would have loved a painting party. And my son is massive footballer.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Well I'd be very offended by her behaviour so we're past the stage of not offending anyone. I'd uninvite her. And send her a list of great male artists while I'm at it. She's an idiot. And an incredibly sexist idiot at that.

I run occasional arts and crafts sessions at my local community centre. The gender that swarms to my table? Boys. They will love it.

Text cff (cheeky fucker friend) and say thanks for the kind offer but you don’t need any football sessions run. If she replies with well John will run one anyway reply and say sorry you appear to be misunderstanding. This is my sons party and we don’t want John to run a football session. If she still doesn’t get it rescind her and johjohns invite.

You are not ungrateful and your friend sounds like someone with some really weird and extreme views about gender roles. I have never heard of preschoolers' painting stuff being considered girly--what a strange attitude.

What happens if all the other children choose to do the football activity and your son is painting alone.

I'd send her a message saying absolutely no football. You have spoken with your son and he doesnt want any football at HIS party.

I have 2 sons who are both now at secondary school.

They have always enjoyed painting and drawing.

Does your friend realise that art gcse is offered to boys as well as girls?

For a male role model to work, surely they should be teaching children that we are all different and we like different things. It does not make one activity better than another. It is merely a difference of opinion.

Shock horror, not all boys like football, not all girls like make-up. It is this boxing in of children that makes them feel uncomfortable in their own skin.

The response should have been, oooh art, lovely. End of. Definitely text her to tell her NO, John will not be doing football and if he cannot understand why don't bother coming round. Just because she has had 4 children does not make her an expert on parenting.

A carefully worded text is necessary I think. Let us know what happens at the party, weather John gets frog marched off, or if they even get there. Good luck