to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

Hippywannabe yes I seen it! It’s unbelievable, the thing is is that he knew there was a surveillance tape as he had complained about someone trying to steal his tools earlier and so he had told his neighbour about it, hence the neighbour putting it there! You didn’t actually see him putting the bodies there though, I only seen hand sized luggage going in, probably the belongings of his families.

He is grooming and intimidating.

In your position I send a text to to Jane to say

Your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. To give a child 'secret gifts', to insist on not leaving when asking, to insist on fixing something I have asked him not to, to physically barge past me -I don't want to see, hear or have anything more to do with him. Ben and I will not be round at your house etc -he is abusive, he doesn't accept boundaries and he is behaving like a man who is grooming a child -his behaviour is worrying. I have notified the local police and spoken to XXX about this. It may be nothing was intended to be sinister on his behalf but his behaviour is alarmist and IS causing distress and offence. He needs to leave us alone.

Before you do this -phone the local police and ask to speak to his manager -someone higher up than him -and make a formal complaint for him and his behaviour. Either let them deal with it -or send the text to her as above.

He needs to cease and desist and you need to end this now.

I’m glad you told your friend and that you are trusting your instincts. I would never leave your son alone with him. I had a friend for years that I trusted and never thought would hurt a fly, he ‘honourably’ married a woman with young children, we all thought he was a saint and very in love - then he was convicted of assault against his step daughter and all the child porn found on his PC.
This man is definitely dangerous. I would do whatever you need to to distance yourself from him.

I’ve read the whole thread.
He’s actually scary.
He’s got no idea about boundaries.
This was his way of marking his territory.
I would suggest you send a what’s app to both of them perhaps starting a group
Saying
Hi John and Jane
Thanks you for the present for DS.
However from now on please don’t cone to my home without prior arrangement.
I found it particularly uncomfortable when John insisted going around the back of my home to fix the fence.
I also do not appreciate visits when you are wearing your gun as it feels like a threat.
Regards
OP

If they/he then tries to make out your ungrateful say please don’t diminish my feelings. They are valid.
Then leave the conversation.

Aargh! A good role model is NOT one who tells boys what they should like or that they must like fucking football. Such a man is a BAD role model.

Only just read first page but frankly, I would uninvite that family.

It's your son's party and they are trying to take over it for what they want for their son.

BTW my son recently went to a craft painting party and he LOVED it as did the other boys there.

Your friend needs to drag herself out of the VIctorian age.

There is a facebook page called Mums with Sons which is great btw.

Ask her to name some famous artists. It would be wonderful if she comes out with a list of women but more likely, it will be men. (Picasso, Van Gogh, Turner blah blah blah.) Then ask her to justify her thinking that painting isn't a suitable activity for boys.

The bottom line is that the birthday child gets to decide which activities they want to do. If, in future years, he asks for football then you can do football. This year he's asked for painting so you are doing painting. (Hope you have lots of aprons and plastic cover sheets to protect all surfaces.)

Sorry, hadn't RTFT - normally good at that but I seem to have missed 17 pages of this one!

You are being groomed.
Whether he is a paedophile or not, doesn't change that. Whatever you may think you know about him, doesn't prove that he isn't.

I would start by talking to you Uncle about a police officer who doesn't leave when you ask him to, and what to do about this.
I would also suggest getting some counselling - the local equivalent of Women's Aid might be able to help. Your mother's response was minimising, and telling you to lower your boundaries - both of which could make you more vulnerable.

I would suggest that you read this article: www.theguardian.com/education/2018/dec/18/child-abuser-pied-piper-children-teacher-sons-sexually-abused-schools

painting is a fab idea for a kids party! I'd love it. that's the kind of thing my brother and I LOVED. And he didn't like football

It's your son's party you do wha you and DS want. Not what your overbearing friend tells you. You aren't being ungrateful you are being extremely tolerate to the point of Prestige pressure cooker explosion other pressure cookers are available

OP - Have a horrible feeling John is competitive dad.

been trying to find a football video of Simon Day to ask if this is 'John' but could only find this

Tell friend to bog off as DS party will end up like this.

p.s. mum alone hosted our birthday parties after dad died and my brother is fine!

I think in this situation I would absolutely distance myself from John. Anything with Jane and John is a no go. No going over to their house. I think you've already decided that. I think I'd also attempt to have a quiet word to Jane at some point saying that no matter what, you will always be her friend, but that right now you can't be around John anymore.

I'd also tell all my friends and support network about the whole party and coming over unannounced with secret gifts, and refusing to leave. He physically pushed past you which is completely unacceptable.

You haven't over reacted. You aren't a drama llama. I got scared just reading this thread. Your mum is classic appease and be nice. She can't imagine that anyone's an arsehole. But John is.

Finally, I'd have a chat with 'Ben' and reiterate about secrets and how you don't have any between you. No matter what another adult says, he must tell you if anyone asks him to keep secrets.

John sees you as vulnerable, a single mum. He clearly has issues from his own childhood. Childhood throws long shadows. You have to protect your son and yourself before Jane. She's in survival mode, doing what she thinks she needs to protect herself and her children, and you can't extricate her from that. You can only be there when she is able to.

You're a fantastic friend and mum.

delboysskinandblister, you do realise this party took place nearly a month ago now?!

QWERTY

How are you doing now?

Please keep trusting your instincts. Your Mum means well I’m sure, but thankfully more and more women’s realise that being ‘nice’ isn’t always safe, sane or desirable.

Have you told Jane about him watching her phone/iPad etc remotely? You really should. Do everything you can to make her see that none this is normal or right, but do NOT put yourself in danger.

Are you in Europe?

Mum had told me to "stop being ridiculous and go make John a cup of tea" confused so to see my feelings validated in those responses that came through, made me feel I wasn't completely losing it

If your gut tells you something isn't right listen to your gut.

Your mother needs to understand that when you say No you mean NO.

Just because someone comes bearing gifts doesnt mean they come bearing good intentions

I'm sure she's said she's in Oz.

Gut instinct is there for a reason.

I think you have to be super-careful, both to care for yourself, DS and your friend.

Maybe take some advice from a DV charity on how to approach this going forward, as it's got to be strategic.

@Heuschrecke

didn't read the date - it just popped in my feed. Can I blame my leftover flu?

I'll get my coat....

This popped up in my feed - had read the party part at the time, and am in tears at the more recent updates.

Sorry if this is unwelcome input this late on, but your story resonates strongly with me.

I was Jane. "D"H checked my phone/emails/Facebook (mostly without my knowledge), checked up on my whereabouts, didn't allow me out without him, had to invite himself to any event (which meant I would cancel rather than turn up with an unwelcome him), controlled every minute detail of my life and DC.

My friends never came to my house with their DC. Well, once or twice at first, but they felt uncomfortable (as did I) and so it became an unspoken understanding that we'd go to theirs (and like a PP, only at "approved" times).

I believe my "John" has a narcissistic personality disorder. He either had to be the star/hero of the hour, or you became completely irrelevant to him - or, to be honest, you became subjected to his verbal abuse (as I did most days). John sounds like this. You didn't let him "save the party" with his football. He is now trying to be the hero in another way. I am projecting here, and know it, but there are a number of possibles, of which more than one can be happening simultaneously. Trying to make you like/need him. Trying to make you feel indebted to him. Pulling you into line in his role as the controller of all things. Getting in between you and Jane. Getting (faked) ammunition to use against you so that you are no longer friends with Jane. None of it is very good, and as I say, I know I am projecting from my own experience.

I hope that things have settled down for you. But he could be in it for the long game. Trust your gut. You really seemed afraid with the unexpected visit and then afterwards you seemed to be trying to minimise what you had felt. I would trust what you first felt. Instinct is often a very powerful defence mechanism.

How are things now, OP?