DS is constantly grabbing bottoms

[TheVeryHungryDieter]

Because bottoms are, obviously, hilarious. 

He keeps smacking, patting and grabbing bottoms, pulling pants down to see underwear, grabbing at willies, trying to take pictures of bottoms when he manages to get DH's phone.

He does it to DH, friends at school, his 3yo sister

I found for most behaviour a carrot and stick approach worked. We had merit charts for good behaviour, a star everyday meant they could choose an activity at the weekend for instance, bad behaviour means stars are cancelled and only exceptionally good behaviour can reinstate. Meanwhile bad behaviour also means loss of privileges eg screen time, treats etc. The balance between the approaches depends on the child, mine responded well to charts, it meant we rarely needed to do time out (and there was no tablets then so nothing to loose).

This sounds a particularly odd problem - he couldn't have had an older child for instance be inappropriate with him? If it's still a problem in the new year despite various measures in place seek advice from your gp

If he doesn't do it at school, it's actually more of a worry because it means it's a calculated action which he knows would have consequences at school. He's not getting excited or carried away, he's doing it where he won't get into proper trouble.

Stop looking at him as a cheeky boy, see him through your daughter's eyes. She's already avoiding him and is scared of his behaviour, probably of him too.

She's not being protected by any of you.

Ah, bath time. This is when I spend half an hour locked in the bathroom with DS to persuade him to take a shower if not a bath. And there is much yelling and him hauling on the door while I'm trying to hold it closed, and everything takes ten times longer. This is partly why DH tries to do things the "easy" way sometimes- the hard way is so much of a battle. We say that he still hasn't got used to bedtime being "forced" upon him despite the fact it happens every single night and every single night he fights it. He goes up at half 8 and if he's not that tired he'll be awake til 9:30 or 10pm while one of us is always sitting on the landing to block him from getting down the stairs. DH and I don't even get to talk that much anymore.

I was thinking "of course I can MAKE time" to talk to him but the truth is after all these battles of wills - which are a daily occurrence (this morning it was bath) - it hasn't really occurred to me to sit down and do it the quiet way. Rubbish of me, yes. It's a pattern I am too close to see properly, I see that now.

I think he has learnt it gets him maximum attention, not cheeky behaviour but perhaps very jealous of his sister?

He gets a huge reaction from everyone for doing it...

He understands body autonomy when it's his bath time then?

Hmm, it sounds as if there are more widespread behaviour issues then.
Why does he resist bath/shower time? And sleep-time? Him kicking off about it certainly seems to get your attention, albeit in a negative way.

DD is not scared of him. She finds him annoying.

She always laughs at first and joins in the game - until she stops laughing and he won't stop poking at her. They are best friends though. He mostly does it to wind her up when he's bored at home. I rarely see him do it out of the house (not counting the airport gate, which is another kind of boredom, obviously).

I don't actually know if it he does it at school, I'll have to talk to the teachers. I took him to an activity last week and while the coaches were talking, he was messing about at the back with his best friend and I could see from across the field DS started trying to smack him on the bum and pretending to make a grab at his willy, which obviously irked his friend. So he did it again to wind his friend up. I got up but the coaches handled the messing about and they moved on to do the activity and that was that. He definitely does it to annoy his sister sometimes.

Winding people up is his superpower... I suppose it is another kind of attention grab in all the wrong ways.

What’s his behaviour like at school? Does he behave inappropriately at school and is unruly with the teachers?

Parenting classes might help you get some strategies, you can't go on like this.
If he becomes a problem in school they may help but I wouldn't leave it till then

@peekyboo he's fine with bodily autonomy as it applies to him. As I said, we did the Pants training and all he got from it was that he doesn't want anyone watching him change at swimming and I have to make a curtain of the towel even when the room is empty.

His friends and sister he seems to think of as "his" - his toys, and doesn't get that he upsets them. But he knows it upsets us!

Fine at school. Reception teacher said she "wished they were all like him" and Y1 teacher says he's fine, sociable, well behaved if a bit of a stubborn boy who doesn't do anything he doesn't want to if he thinks he's got something better to do.

@anniehm thanks, I'll probably end up using some combination of those strategies.

I think it’d be a good idea for you to have a chat to the school’s SENCO and run these behaviours past her. What with the defiance about bath and bedtime and the provocative behaviour when bored, it might be that he has ADHD or on the spectrum. He is old enough to know the bottom and willy grabbing us wrong, and if we take abuse out of the equation, the fact he still does this suggests it’s an area where he’s very immature and/or it’s attention-seeking behaviour he’s defaulting when he’s feeling overwhelmed (maybe by sensory issues?) or especially bored. One thing to start with is to give him ANOTHER action to do when he wants to grab someone’s bottoms, e.g. clapping his hands or playing with a fiddle toy kept in his pocket.

Does your bathroom door open inwards to the bathroom or outwards towards the landing?

The inevitable drip feed.
Bath time and bedtime are torturous times for your DS, he is showing challenging, distressed behaviour in major parts of his life.
Aren't you curious about why this is, OP?

You write all this now but in an earlier post were worrying because he watched a cartoon and consequently kept saying 'duh!' to people? As if that even matters in the midst of all the other major issues going on?

Your son and daughter need help, I hope you find the gumption to help them.

I think you should keep an open mind about your son possibly being on the autistic spectrum. If he was, the lack of boundaries would be compounded by the fact that many people on the spectrum are immature for their years. His age in years may not be matched by his level of maturity.

Being on the spectrum can also impact a great deal on sleeping/bedtime behaviours. I expect you're used to people telling you all the ways to make him settle and none of them working.

Re the screens, did you know using screens can impact sleep? I'm not sure how close to bed time it has to be, but it's been proven to affect sleep patterns.

You said in your first post he does it to friends at school

You said you don't know if he does it at school, then said he's fine at school and you get praise.
Which is it, do you not ask the teacher questions?

When you say 'he is in school 7.30 to 6' do you mean your DS? (or does your Dh work in a school ?)

I think if it is your DS he is a school a very long time and it seems he also goes to bed very late for a six year old (I understand you are having problems getting him to sleep)
Putting the very silly and innapropriate behaviour aside for a moment. i would imagine he is very overtired, and overtiredness generally increases silly attention seeking behaviour, and decreases the ability to listen to explanations as to why such behaviour is not acceptable.

All the problems - bedtime, bathtime, bottom silliness, all come from a place of him basically not wanting to do what he is told and not accepting any kind of authority from you. I think you have to start getting all these behaviours under control, - they'll make him calmer and more able to listen to reason. Also the long hours at school may make him crave more attention at home so the sillyness comes out - even if he is being told off, all attention is good attention for some children. I understand obviously you are both working, so I am guessing he is in before and after school clubs, - that's an essential and you can;t reduce that time. But you could make the time he does have before bedtime very much concentrated on him doing an activity with one of you that he enjoys - some one on one, a run about/kick a ball about followed by something calmer like agame or puzzle, so he isn;t hyped up by bedtime.

It seems you have a series of problems and I'd say they are all interlinked. The main thing is firmness and consistency. Set routines for bed and bath taht you and DH both follow to the letter, set ways of dealing with innapropriate behaviour that you both follow to the letter.
He sounds like a child who needs very firm boundaries, and at the moment he is getting confusing messages. One parent laughing at the bottom grabbing, or not stopping it will be a good enough reward for him to keep going even if he has to wait a week for that reward to come again. So the attention for bad behaviour has to stop.
Attention is the reward for good behaviour (and that has to be consistant too - or again he'll decide he's getting better rewqrds for being silly than being sensible.)

If it opens inwards towards the bathroom could you completely change your behaviour?

Lock the door then Sit with your back against it in silence so he can't get out but you don't give him any attention or reaction to his shouting etc.

Just calmly run the bath water put in some bubbles then just ask him calmly to get in then

If you are completely silent and don't look at him he will be puzzled as to what has happened

Honestly no, I don't know exactly what you're getting at?

Bedtime has been tough since he was about 18 months old. Bath time is only fraught when I want him to have one - but he's happy enough to come in and insist on a shower at night as a way of putting off bedtime! He's not distressed? I am though!!

Whoever asked - downstairs bathroom where he sometimes showers opens into the room, upstairs bathroom opens out to the landing. Neither of them have a lock.

I haven't asked the teacher specifically about it @CaptainKirksSpookyghost but she didn't raise it at parents evening last week.

Oh, this has to be a wind up. Nobody is this disingenuous.

@KurriKurri thank you, I think your thoughts have been very helpful.

I'd question where it has come from.

If my children pulled my pants down -I'd lose it. They would be on the step for a long time.............

Like wise grabbing someone's willy etc -very worrying behaviour.

The pants rule applies to everyone.

Unless there is a reason -someone doing it to him (abuse from someone -be careful OP I'm sure I'm not worrying you -it must have crossed your mind).

Every-time he does it -time out. Immediately. No one touches him -make that clear and that he can talk to you about anyone or anything and you will trust and believe him. Likewise call it what it is -he is abusing others.

You can take the line of 'this is serious' -very serious -it's abuse. It's a line. Don't cross it. If you do straight on the step in silence.