Um, quality time. There's not a lot. And he needs more, I know he does. I do homework with him and his reading, and I go in a bit later at least one morning a week so I can make him breakfast and do his library books and read together, and see the teacher. Before he was in school I had Wednesdays and Fridays off and used to take them out for the day. I don't anymore but I do have some flexibility.
At weekends they only want DH and get upset if he does something with the other one, but they each have an activity at the same time on Saturday so we each do one - and we swap who we take, so every other weekend I do football and the next ballet. Neither of them like having me as DH always buys them sweets or biscuits after. I won't buy a sharing pouch of sweets and insist on a small roll of sweets after sports or a soreen loaf, or that they can wait til we get home because we have [preferred treat] there anyway. (Mean mummy!)
I finish early some Fridays but he's just started an activity after school on Fridays that he really likes, he never wants to leave, so it's 5pm or so by the time we get home in evening traffic, and I'm making tea. In school hols he comes to work with me and goes to an accredited childcare facility run by my employer with about 20 other kids, and I take him out for lunch and sometimes we go shopping for books after if DH can get DD, otherwise we are running for the train back.
I've just started watching Doctor Who with him. I couldn't care less but I think he'd enjoy it and associate it as something we do together. He talks all the way through it and has tons of questions so it's mostly me explaining science fiction to him!
I don't think he's abused, autistic or a rapist. I think he's naturally a very defiant little boy who has to do it the hard way every time, with a very worrying behaviour that I loathe and want to stop as quickly as I can, and I've had some good advice to help me work on that.
Asking nicely usually doesn't get me anywhere. I've always had to force him to bend to my will, but when DH is around not only is he bending, but if I'm not he will growl at me for DS's tantrum "I hope you're proud of yourself" and the like.
It once took me an hour and half to get DS to say sorry for an offence as a preschooler through the usual discipline method: in your room to calm down, think about what you've done, I'll come in in five minutes, are you ready to say sorry to daddy. Rinse and repeat. After half an hour of relentless angry screaming from toddler DS, DH was so furious with me for keeping this up he couldn't look at me. He didn't undermine me thankfully and after 90 minutes he got a hug and a genuine apology. It absolutely works if you wear him down but it is a pain in the arse.
I get caught up in the battle of wills. He can be sensitive and take things to heart so I do think there's a good chance the talk will work (I need to run through it with DH tonight so we are on the same page) but I'm so used to not being able to ask him nicely for anything, I think I've forgotten to try.
He's not always like this though, he's very capable of being a sweet and loving child and the feedback I get is that he's very sweet and caring with the "little ones" when he was at nursery or with younger cousins etc. It's his peers he thinks he can try to be "funny" with or his sister who laughs the first time but he thinks will laugh again if he keeps it up - or sometimes just doesn't care if he winds her up. Not likely to touch or smack bums of random children. Best friend, same-age cousin, younger sister, dad = all fair game to him. Except they are really, really not!!!