DS is constantly grabbing bottoms

[TheVeryHungryDieter]

Because bottoms are, obviously, hilarious. 

He keeps smacking, patting and grabbing bottoms, pulling pants down to see underwear, grabbing at willies, trying to take pictures of bottoms when he manages to get DH's phone.

He does it to DH, friends at school, his 3yo sister

He had DH's phone, the camera is the only app you can access from the lock screen, DH was changing DD and DS thought it would be hilarious to take pictures of her bottom while her knickers were off.

I snatched the phone off him, utterly horrified and had a very stern word right there and then. To my knowledge he's not ever done that again, but because of all the bottom patting/grabbing/smacking I can't be 100% sure the message had sunk in and it's not just lack of opportunity stopping him.

you really have to be abit more strict with this. if your oh hadnt have seen those pictures being taken and someone found them on his phone he would have been in a HELL of alot of trouble.

Jesus Christ did I just read that
Get that child some help and where is he learning this behaviour I don't think taking pics of your sister's bare bum is normal

Upskirting was perhaps an overdramatic way of phrasing it, it was a one off while he was mostly taking selfies up his nose, but it was just such a gross thing to do it shocked me and obviously has stuck with me. I deleted the photo right away but thought, OMG, what if anyone saw it on DH's phone.

I think suggestions that op is scared of her husband who's abusing their son are wide of the mark. Every time a child hits or behaves in anyway that's remotely sexual, people pile in with this suggestion.

I think you should seek some professional help for your DS

Thanks originalusername. Twas a long time ago now...

You are very naive if you think this all stems from cartoons. Loads of kids watch cartoons and find bottoms and willies but they don’t sexually assault other children.
You’ve called him cheeky which kind of demonstrates you have not taken this seriously, he’s not cheeky he’s predatory towards others and his younger sister to the point she doesn’t want him near her!

I’d be incredibly concerned about this and my DS wouldn’t be having any electronic equipment or television and only be allowed books and puzzles to play with.

No way could I be with a man who also thinks it’s fine their daughter is molested by her brother. Very very bad message being given out there.
You need to stop blaming cartoons and seriously get to know why your son is doing this. It screams of abuse.

Show your DH this thread.
And he may realise what a shit parent he is.

@TheVeryHungryDieter you've expressed concern for your daughter being on the receiving end of this, but why are you not acknowledging the multiple posts from multiple different users who are very clearly saying that your son's behaviour may well indicate that he is a victim of sexual abuse?

You say upskirting was a single time just now but in your 1st post you imply it happens when he gets your DH phone implying several times

Please do not let them sleep in same bedroom or in the bath together - you need to protect your DD from him

Please ask help from GP and school and SS (maybe police) when you get back home in a couple of days

If you ask for help before he is reported the ending might be better

I think you need to completely change tactics. Don't shout, scream or threaten things you know DH won't support you on. Every single time it happens remove him from the situation simply saying "no" in a calm but firm voice. No screens, toys, anything for a set period of time (5 mins perhaps). At the end of the 5 mins, when you have calmed down too, you can talk to him about how serious it is. I'm not usually a massive fan of "time out" but I think in this case it is a good option.

Dealing with your DH is an important thing too. I'd be absolutely clear: "DS needs to understand how wrong this is and we need to protect DD from him behaviour. If you aren't prepared to actively parent DS on this you must at least stop undermining me." The longer term issue of having an undermining DH can be dealt with when this immediate issue is resolved.

Never-fucking-mind 'OMG what if someone saw it on DH's phone' !!!

What on earth are you doing, allowing this sort of thing to go on?

Are you afraid of your husband?
Is that going to be the drip feed?

If not, you are as much to blame as your husband.

Sister, cousins, friends...what the fuck are you doing?
Why are you blaming cartoons and still allowing him access to inappropriate stuff?
Why are you allowing your husband's desire for a quiet life fuck up your children's lives?
Why?

Yes OP you haven’t at all acknowledged the points about it being a possible indicator that your son has been abused. I know that’s a horrific thing to think about but tbh it suggests you’re actually not aware, or ready to be aware, of how serious this is.

And I’ll ask again - what steps are you taking to ensure your son isn’t doing this, or worse, to your DD when they’re not in your sight?

You’ve said he’s done it to friends - have their parents said anything?

If he’s not doing it at school then I’d have a really good think why. It could be he knows he can’t ‘get away with it’ there, which means he does understand it’s wrong.

And I don't think it's over-dramatic to also ask, "Why are you allowing your son to sexually abuse your daughter?"

I find this concerning, I have a 6 year old and it is very unusual behaviour. Grabbing children private parts, taking pictures is very worrying.

I am surprised the school have not picked up on this and done a safeguarding enquiry.

Where has he got this from? I find it unlikely it we cartoons. I never seen a cartoon where characters are getting groped.

Please protect your daughter, he has no right to touch her inappropriately and it is your role as a mother to protect all your children. Never leave them alone together.

I would be contacting SS to get support, I think there is more going on here...

Make him do lines. Hundreds of lines - the boredom of writing the same thing over and over and over and over certainly helped me to learn things.
Sit and watch him do them, don't speak to him much and make him do the lines.

Hope Mumnet Admins give OP advice privately as I am genuinely concerned for both the children in this situation.

What kind of cartoons is he watching if you think he gets it from there?

You need to protect your daughter and put a stop to this behaviour. Your husband needs to understand how worrying this behaviour is, maybe give the nspcc helpline a ring.

@Petitepamplemousse actually I work very closely with police and pcsos and they are always happy to educate children.

I just cannot get my head round a 6year old taking pics of his sister's bare backside, it beggars belief how your dh is letting this go

OP it sounds awful for you.

I don't think you will be able to stop this on your own. Your DH is undermining you.

I think he needs to understand the potential consequences of this.

Once he's on board I'm sure you'll be able to deal consistently and fairly quickly with this.

Is there a third party you can approach to help you explain the seriousness to DH?

This sounds very worrying OP, all these are indicators of abuse.

Have a firm talk with him when things are calm and well and explain it's a big no no and completely unacceptable, not funny etc. He's old enough to have some understanding of 'How would you feel if..?' and let him know the plan if it's to happen again, whatever you decide that is. Stay calm and consistent, stop shouting and show him you're in control. Good luck.

You need to stop this. Bottoms, willies and poo are still very much hilarious in this house, age 9. But the rule is your own only, and fiddle in private, I dont want to see it.

OTOH, this book is very popular in this house sigh