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Original poster

DS is constantly grabbing bottoms

275 replies

TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 12:29

Because bottoms are, obviously, hilarious. 

He keeps smacking, patting and grabbing bottoms, pulling pants down to see underwear, grabbing at willies, trying to take pictures of bottoms when he manages to get DH's phone.

He does it to DH, friends at school, his 3yo sister

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 21/10/2018 16:15

What puzzles me is that the OP seems to feel that simply withdrawing all screens and tv is not possible, for various reasons including a lazy husband.

I'm not against a bit of screen time (including when I just need a break from DS), but if such a simple sanction can't be enforced, I wonder if there is any effective discipline going on?

InionEile · 21/10/2018 16:23

One of my friend’s DSs had this issue at 6 and is just about growing out of it now, turning 7. He would smack my DS on the bottom, try to pull his pants down, kick others in the privates. It was incredibly frustrating for my friend and for me too as it really annoyed my DS.

From what I observed this was mostly about impulse control. Her DS is very defiant in his character and has impulsive tendencies. She dealt with it by removing him from the situation if he did this e.g. playing at the park, she would give him one warning and then take him home or make him sit out until he stopped. It usually happened when her DS was tired or overstimulated, it was a way of him acting out or getting attention.

I’m 99% sure that there was no issue of abuse going on with my friend and her DS - no-one can ever be sure but my friend is a good parent and sets firm boundaries. Her DS is just the kind of kid where he will do X if you tell him to do Y, very defiant. She has it under control for now because her DS has finally grasped that this is shitty behaviour but kids like this learn the hard way eventually by friends getting annoyed with them and don’t want to play with them. That works best if it is firmly reinforced by parents and teachers however. IMO there is too much ‘boys will be boys’ attitude with many parents, especially fathers, who think it’s just a phase instead of realising that teaching kids about boundaries and consent needs to start at the youngest age and be taken seriously.

RPC28 · 21/10/2018 16:24

Show him the pants song

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 21/10/2018 16:25

Grabbing at willies??

Massively inappropriate and needs to be looked into, why does he think it's ok?.

There needs to be serious consequences for his actions if it is bad behaviour only, but I would be inclined to wonder what else is going on for him to think this behaviour is normal l.

wowfudge · 21/10/2018 16:28

You didn't answer my question as to whether you have sat him down for a serious conversation about this?

corythatwas · 21/10/2018 16:38

Agree with Adalind about your needing to deal with this calmly and consistently and by removing him from the situation.

Also that if you suspect that cartoons are having an effect on him and you still can't remove them, you have a problem and he knows it.

Not in favour of the draconian "remove everything" punishments that are so popular on MN, but you really do need to be able to parent without screens if necessary. If that isn't possible you need to be aware that there is a problem- either with your ds or with your parenting.

Also, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of him having experienced something he shouldn't have. Yes, if the situation was one of a toddler on the changing table, I can see that upskirting is probably too dramatic a term, but the whole obsession with pulling and grabbing at his age, though he knows it is wrong, is worrying.

Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 16:43

Yes bottoms are hilarious at this age but this behaviour isn't. Find a quiet moment with him, away from everyone, even dh, and ask him if anyone has touched his bottom or willy. Be prepared to listen calmly to any answer. Also for him to say no and tell you something later.
Tell him the consequence (can't beat the naughty step) and follow through every time. Have a star chart, reward when he has stars for only good behaviour every day for a week. Get books about body safety and teach your daughter to bite, no not that. Make him apologise to her or back on the naughty step till he does. Tell his school and get them on board. Your husband is a wanker, setting your daughter up as a victim to be bullied. Good luck

mikado1 · 21/10/2018 16:51

I think, unless there is information the op doesn't know (possible of course), the suggestion of abuse doesn't hold much weight for those of us with children who escalate big time when they see it's a powerful thing and makes you react so strongly. It's a thing. My 6yo does not do this but if he had my phone taking random shots and his brother was naked running around, he'd probably think it hilarious to take a pic. Is that so hard to imagine for some?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/10/2018 16:54

mikado, in isolation, perhaps. But this child is regularly/consistently exhibiting inappropriate behaviour.
So it's more disturbing than what you describe.

GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 17:00

i agree mikado, as i said my son done it at school he is definitely not being abused he never goes with anyone other than me and i dont have a partner.

mikado1 · 21/10/2018 17:00

GreenLantern53 what cartoons is this kind of thing in, so I can avoid? My ds 6y came home from school with a Halloween rhyme ending in 'We don't care, we'll pull down your underwear', passed on by another 6yo. I find it so depressing tbh.

mikado1 · 21/10/2018 17:10

Sorry, OhDearLookAtTheMess I should have paragraphed really as I meant to make two points, one, some children as described by a pp up thread, revel in a strong reaction and realise the power they have and increase the behaviour, s telling off in the moment/the out etc are a waste of time and energy. Firm prevention is essential or immediate removal from friends, explained beforehand at a calm time.

The second point is a giggle at a pic taken in the moment, especially if he was already snapping. Again of course inappropriate and needs to be explained and stopped but imo there's too many adults eyes looking at this boy's behaviour, and seeing it as worse than it is.

Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 17:11

Again, he needs to apologise to your daughter, every time, as if he means it, not in a funny flippant way.

Original poster
TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 17:14

Wow, Inion, you have basically described DS there. Very impulsive and stubborn to the point of defiant.

I'm not ignoring anyone who thinks there might be abuse- this is certainly what I'd think in anyone else's case, but DS is never left alone with anyone but me. Not even his dad, because DH is very big on family time so we spend weekends and evenings together. He's in school 7:30-6. He's never alone with any adult.

And actually @wowfudge your earlier post made me think this might be the problem. We haven't had that deep and serious conversation and I thought "I could do it on Friday when we are back at home, I finish work and we are alone", but the problem is that there isn't really alone time between now and then as we are staying in relatives' houses and I'm back to work and it's all busy and bustle. I seem to spend all my time hustling the kids from one location to another for childcare and activities. So I yell at him in the moment but I haven't had a plan or a strategy.

I am feeling awful at some of the responses on this thread about my just-turned 6-year old "rapist", but on the whole I think I've got enough good advice to help me put a plan together and move forward.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 17:15

We haven't said he is being abused, just trying to take that possibility out of the equation. How will you feel if later you find out he has, or seen something he shouldn't.
The little girl is not running around naked, he is trying to grope her and she is distressed.

wowfudge · 21/10/2018 17:17

Clearly you need to prioritise that conversation. No excuses about work, bring busy, etc. Speak with him this evening. Get you DH to occupy your DD and have a calm chat with DH.

GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 17:18

he got into minecraft and was watching it on youtube, i must admit i was quite naive in thinking it was for children so nothing inappropriate, then he came across minecraft monster school, which is an animation of the characters dont think its anything to do with offical minecraft, the clip that i watched they were in pants shaking their bums which he then went to school and did it, (never grabbed any other kids or touched any other kids though) i dont let him watch monster school anymore, i think he just came across it as a suggestion when watching proper minecraft videos. but i have also seen this kind of thing on the simpsons and spongebob.

Original poster
TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 17:20

@mikado1 I think, knowing DS's character, that is most likely the case here. He's the kind of child where, if someone laughs the first time, will repeat the behaviour ad nauseum and possibly for ever in hopes of repeating the laugh.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 17:20

Not rapist, potential bully.. he needs to take responsibility though
The conversation can be an opener to talk about feelings and privacy etc
I'm sure you can make 5minutes to talk to him, if not perhaps that's part of the problem

mikado1 · 21/10/2018 17:21

Well done OP. Yes it was Inion's post I was referring to also, describing this type of defiant, negative attention leads to escalation, child. I get it with my ds (not this behaviour). Get your plan sorted and go into it expecting this behaviour, expecting it, ready for it, and calm, knowing you have got this and letting him know this. That's what these children need, for nothing to ruffle you. Good luck. I think you'll kill it in a week-2weeks with calm consistency.

GreenTulips · 21/10/2018 17:24

but the problem is that there isn't really alone time between now and then

More excuses for poor parents

MAKE time

PaleRider1 · 21/10/2018 17:28

There is always alone time if you make it, so bit of a lame excuse to say you can’t speak to him between now and when you get back.

What about bath time? Bed time? Take him to one side when he’s doing it and have a good talk with him.
TBH you and you’re husband are enabling the behaviour because you won’t address it and dish out serious enough punishment for it.

Bull by the horns and tackle it head on. Will only take one inappropriate grope / photo etc. with the wrong person and you’ re son will be in a whole pile of trouble

SubtitlesOn · 21/10/2018 17:28

What about bath time and bedtime?

Who reads bedtime stories to DC?

What time do they start to get ready for bed?

Couldn't you have a calm talk to him one on one with him then?

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 17:29

You need to prioritise making time. Every time he does it and also time for a serious chat and I can not understand why you are making excuses.

Graphista · 21/10/2018 17:34

Sorry op but you should know not all abuse happens in isolated circumstances. It can happen under the very noses of adults who think they are supervising.

Particular the briefest but persistent bum grabbing type your son is copying from somewhere.

Also while not wishing to cast aspersions, I assume you're not staying awake all night to know dh isn't doing anything at night? There are mners who've bravely posted that they thought they were doing all they could to protect their DC but unfortunately didn't realise their partner was abusive in this way, or that abuse was happening in front of their eyes.

Also while schools & childcare have lots of protocols to HELP prevent abuse occurring or even being possible - it still happens in those settings.

My comment using the word rapist was as part of a suggestion to shock your dh out of his passive parenting. What do you think creates rapists and rape culture? They don't become that way overnight!

You can't achieve a change in behaviour from your actions alone if dh continues to dismiss and undermine you.