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Original poster

DS is constantly grabbing bottoms

275 replies

TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 12:29

Because bottoms are, obviously, hilarious. 

He keeps smacking, patting and grabbing bottoms, pulling pants down to see underwear, grabbing at willies, trying to take pictures of bottoms when he manages to get DH's phone.

He does it to DH, friends at school, his 3yo sister

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 14:15

This is not the fault of other boys.

TrueLoveWays · 21/10/2018 14:16

He needs to know you and DH are both on the same page
He needs to be told that if he does it again his favourite possession will be confiscated for a week. And it needs to be confiscated for a week.

You are lucky SS haven't come calling if he is doing it at school
He's lucky that his friends want to play with him with the constant threat of being molested

tobee · 21/10/2018 14:18

Also if you "lose your shit" and doesn't work, where do you go from there?

Original poster
TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 14:20

Here, obviously, tobee!!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 21/10/2018 14:20

Have you spoken to him in private separately from an occasion where you've had to intervene to stop him? A proper, calm, serious conversation about it. Have you asked why he does it and waited for him to answer? Have you asked him to think how he would feel if someone did it to him?

tobee · 21/10/2018 14:27

Yes!

AnotherOriginalUsername · 21/10/2018 14:30

Most kids, particularly boys, have the same amusement about bottom jokes, but their behaviour doesn't escalate to this level.

OP, as others have mentioned (but I can't see that you've acknowledged?) his behaviour may well be a huge red flag for him being a victim of sexual abuse himself, particularly the photo taking - where does that come from?

I'd recommend seeking professional help - either via the safeguarding lead at school, or a call to the NSPCC if you want anonymity before deciding what do next.

Ringbinger · 21/10/2018 14:31

If you know it’s come from cartoons, why haven’t you stopped the cartoons and any access to the iPad? He clearly is not able to understand that we don’t replicate all behaviour we see on TV, and I’d be explaining that to him as the reason why you’re taking his iPad access away.

What would worry me the most here is what he’s doing to his sister when you’re out of sight. What are you doing to safeguard her from this?

I agree that the taking photos is disturbing and you all/him need professional help here.

t00dle00 · 21/10/2018 14:37

My sons friends did this to each other at school. I was the only parent who told them all not to do it. The other parents didn't seem to think it was an issue. I do and still do.

Did someone laugh when he showed his bits at home and now he thinks it's funny?

SubtitlesOn · 21/10/2018 14:38

Hopefully your DS and DD don't share a bedroom

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/10/2018 14:40

I think there is something else going on here op, I have 3 boys myself and they all go through bum jokes and they all very quickly grow out of it. What you are describing is extremely concerning behavoiur and I do not think this has all stemmed from a few cartoon jokes.

Graphista · 21/10/2018 14:45

With dh I'd be UBER blunt

"Your lack of appropriate parenting on this means we could well end up with a potential rapist in our son and rape victim in our daughter. Stop avoiding responsibility and PARENT our DC WITH me instead of undermining me on such an important issue" I don't even think that's a huge exaggeration!

Honestly? If your son did this to my dd at school I wouldn't even bother dealing with the school I'd be straight to SS.

1 because the school & parents clearly are getting nowhere dealing with it.

2 because I'd be thinking HIS behaviour is possibly the result of poor parenting if not actual abuse - as you're posting here I'm pretty certain abuse isn't the issue (but wouldn't completely rule it out), BUT if I didn't know you/your son that would be my thinking/reaction.

SOMEONE at school will more than likely do this soon if you and dh don't get a grip on this.

"Your DH needs to realise that this behaviour is a red flag for child abuse. Does he really want to be defending himself in a conversation with a social worker?" I can absolutely see this becoming a possibility!

youarenotkiddingme · 21/10/2018 14:49

Please don't mistake losing your shit with dealing with it.

You're not dealing with it. There is no actual consequence to his behaviour.

I had a friend who lost her shit with her kids and they continued their behaviour. She refers to them as cheeky and loving etc.

They have just turned teens. 1 physically and emotionally abused her and is on drugs and the other has MH and boundary issues.

She also let them watch tv programmes and then blamed them. In fact she blamed her stepchild for one of her dcs behaviours because SC asked if they could watch a horror film and blamed the film. She couldn't see as the parent she had to do the hard bit and say no as she was worried about content.

I break my heart daily seeing what's become of her situation. Please stop this before you end up in a terrible hole.

You risk having either or both your children removed of you do t stop ds abusing dd.

Russell19 · 21/10/2018 14:49

You are lucky you have not heard anything from school yet. You need to put a stop to it ASAP because if it is picked up by school it will (should) be taken seriously. As a pp has said you'll be called in and it investigated. The school will want to know why he is doing it and will take it very seriously. They'll report it as a safeguarding issue and their job is to think worse car scenario e.g abuse to him or that he has witnessed. I am a teacher in primary school and this behaviour is not normal. I have only come across 2 children like this ever and it was all investigated, parents questioned, children questioned. I am not suggesting anything sinister is going on but I think you need to realise what could happen. If he does this to children at school it won't be long before parents start complaining, I wouldn't like it if my child was being inappropriately touched. Also, the taking photos with a phone thing is VERY disturbing, not sure where he has got that from but it could cause him and you a whole load of trouble.

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2018 14:49

OP you do need professional help - the escalation is not normal. Many have seen the cartoons you mean and have not gotten to the level your son has - you make it sound like an obsession

The snowballing to grabbing should have been stopped the first time it happened - mine has on occasion shown his own bum but that is it

Your DH attitude to this is scary

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2018 14:55

Has anyone ever done it to him?

ourkidmolly · 21/10/2018 14:55

I remember my godson doing this a decade ago. He was 7. After nothing worked, his mum pulled down his pants and gave his six of the best hard slaps on his own bare bottom. Never did it again. Suppose that's not a possibility now and not advised.

Russell19 · 21/10/2018 15:01

@ourkidmolly...... Oh yeah.... teach a child not to slap bottoms by slapping his bottom.

Insane thing to say!

BlueflowerRedthorns · 21/10/2018 15:04

This is a tough one but I agree with the above you need to take control or you will have social workers at the door. You also wants your daughter to feel and be safe. Ahe must be very stressed in her own home. As for losing it, I would be inclined to take the tablet and wreck it with a hammer in front of him. And don't replace for at least a year after all inappropriate behaviour has stopped.

Thewerera66it · 21/10/2018 15:05

I was a similar aged child back in the 70s and I remember spending a lot of time pinching my friends' bottoms at school. I got really smacked for it by my teacher, which at the time I didn't understand why.

Know why I didn't know it was inappropriate?

Because my paedophile father was doing it (& other things) to me at home.

I'm not suggesting the OP's DH is doing anything untoward at all, but behaviours ARE learned and so this needs to be taken very seriously.

ourkidmolly · 21/10/2018 15:06

Er...I said not advised but just pointing out what worked.

Smile19 · 21/10/2018 15:06

So sorry you are going through this. Please seek professional support. GP / SS. Your DD is at risk of harm and your DS is acting in a concerning way which may be an indication of abuse. Lots of children watch cartoons, his behaviour is not typical. DH needs to get on board, this is not negotiable. I'll be honest - if your son did this to my child (or any other that O witnessed) I would call the police and SS.

Re: screen time. Cut it all together. Mine get one movie a week after swimming lessons and I select it so I know what they watch. This is due to their ages (5 and under). I'm responsible for what they see and how much. The rest of the time they look at books, listen to music and audio books, paint rocks, play in garden, general arts and crafts, help in kitchen cooking (which they love!) Give it a go. Screen free life with kids is honestly amazing - promise!

Good luck.

SubtitlesOn · 21/10/2018 15:11

The upskirting was when he was 5!!!!!!

Seriously, why or where did he even get the idea of this as a 5 year old?

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 21/10/2018 15:12

Breaking his fingers would work too @ourkidmolly not advised but would work and OP is worried because she's contemplating it. ffs

OP you need to address this now, today.
Where has your son learned about taking 'upskirt' photos? Where?
What cartoon portrays that?

Protect your DD ffs and protect your son.
Are you afraid of your husband?
I can think of no other reason as to why you are allowing this to continue.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 21/10/2018 15:13

@Thewerera66it Flowers I'm sorry you had to go through that but you've basically summed up my thought process about this scenario - why would OPs son listen to OP about stopping of A. Dad isn't particularly bothered and B. Someone else in a position of trust (as let's face it, that's usually how these people access their victims) say it's ok/a special game/a nice secret etc.

I hope the OP reads and digests your post.