Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DS is constantly grabbing bottoms

275 replies

TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 12:29

Because bottoms are, obviously, hilarious. 

He keeps smacking, patting and grabbing bottoms, pulling pants down to see underwear, grabbing at willies, trying to take pictures of bottoms when he manages to get DH's phone.

He does it to DH, friends at school, his 3yo sister

OP posts:
Original poster
TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 13:22

Don't get me wrong, DH hates it too - it's been the trigger for the very (very) rare occasions I've seen him lose his cool. He's blasé about being a target himself because a bottom smack or having his pyjama bottoms pulled down, but he absolutely hates it for DD.

I think we need to take a harder line on screens. The bottom jokes are HILARIOUS in cartoons  but DS is just not old enough to be able to put that in context. DH downloaded Teen Titans for him for this trip which is very wise-cracky and we've had to have a serious chat about not saying "Duh!" to anyone and especially adults.

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:24

You know if he does this in school another parent is going to complain don’t you? I would.

Juells · 21/10/2018 13:24

You used the word 'molesting', and it really brings it home. He's molesting his friends, and it isn't funny. You'll have to tell him that adults go to jail for molesting, it's creepy and horrible.

What a bind you're in! Horrible for you.

BlankTimes · 21/10/2018 13:24

I cannot get him to stop!

You can OP and you must. It is as far removed from "a bit of fun" as it gets.
Make an appointment with the school's safeguarding officer and take your DH so he can have it explained to him how serious this is.

If your son does this to any girl in school, there will be dire consequences. If school know he habitually does this to his sister without any censure, SS will be all over it.

Agree with explodingkitten your DH is giving both kids the wrong messages about this behaviour.

Petitepamplemousse · 21/10/2018 13:24

OP, it’s not even just the bottom grabbing, it’s the fact that at 6 years old your child is repeatedly doing something you have asked them not to. That is extremely defiant behaviour. You both need to be extremely strict on this kind of defiance and stamp it out ASAP.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:25

Let me put it this way. He would only ever get to do that to my daughter once. If he did it again I would expect the school to involve social services.

CaraFara · 21/10/2018 13:28

My DS went through a similar phase when he was about 5. He pulled one of DD s 7 year old friends skirt down so I pulled his trousers down in front of them. It stopped it for a while and then he did it again to dd by pulling her pj bottoms down so she was naked from the waist down. I dragged him out into the garden and did the same to him. Yes it was harsh. Yes I lost my shit. But he never did it again.

NewYoiker · 21/10/2018 13:29

You need to get DH on board with this. You need to spell it out that ss would be very concerned about this behaviour as it is a red flag for sexual abuse

callmeadoctor · 21/10/2018 13:29

I think that "losing your shit" is the way to go to be honest.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:32

I have to admit I don’t smack but that’s one thing I could see that I might smack for. Because it’s bum related. If I lost it. (Never had to deal with this but I can see that I might)

BertieBotts · 21/10/2018 13:33

Bit of a weird one - but how much physical affection does he get? In the form of hugs and kisses but also rough and tumble type play e.g. from DH?

Apparently we can unconsciously stop this with boy children as they get older but they still really need physical contact and affection so they will go about seeking that in inappropriate ways.

I know when DS1 went through a phase of this (he was younger) this turned out to weirdly be the key. Particularly with a 3yo sister, she's in a prime age for lots of cuddles and affection so he might subconsciously be jealous.

Definitely keep up the no means no message, but try consciously upping your cuddles and other physical contact with him and see if it helps.

BewareOfDragons · 21/10/2018 13:33

Your DH is failing your son.

Your son is well past old enough to have learned this is completely unacceptable and inappropriate behaviour and be able to control himself. Lack of boundaries from dad isn't helping here, and it's not fair to your daughter or the other children he's assaulting.

Take away his screen time. And banish him to absolute boredom in his room (strip if of toys, etc0 each and every time he does it. If you're out, he sits in the car and gets to do nothing until everyone else is finished having fun/shopping/etc. or if there's no grown up to sit with, you go home.

Ask the school for advice and ask if they've noticed any other kind of boundary issues or failure to read signals ... there is a chance he could be on the autistic spectrum (obsessive behaviour, failure to get boundaries at all, missing social cues, etc).

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:34

I would actually be so worried about this. It’s a marker for abuse.

My definition of losing my shit is totally breaking them to tears so they realise they don’t do it again. Never had to do it more than once or twice and not even to all of my kids but some you have to.

And yes. It looks cruel. The crying upset child. But what is the alternative? Social services at the door?You need to find some way to impress upon him that this isn’t wee boy nonsense.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:36

And taking pictures? What the actual fuck?

CremateFesteringValkeeeerie · 21/10/2018 13:38

DH just kind of sighs and says not to make a big deal of it and he'll get bored and grow out of it

Others have given advice on your DS so I don’t have anything to add on that BUT you definitely need to speak to your husband. By the time your son “grows out of it” how many others will he have upset, embarrassed or humiliated?

Your husband’s attitude to it is seriously off the mark. If this were a boy at school doing this to your daughter, would he think that was ok and tell her to just put up with it til he grows out of it (at 7? 12? 21? Never?). Is he happy giving your daughter the message that being subjected to grabby inappropriate male behaviour is what she should expect and accept in her life, so that she never recognises it as wrong? I’d seriously ask him this today in the hope that he might wake up and start supporting you instead of undermining you. Unless he’s happy for his son to end up with no friends, a reputation as a child to avoid and for other parents start making complaints.

I wish you luck Op, I hope your husband steps up to do the right thing as a father to his son AND daughter Smile

Feckers2018 · 21/10/2018 13:39

Don't get this. Take control and mean it. Why also is he watching crap on screens? Does he have to have a screen? He's six FFS. You could have taken the screen off him of course you could.
Also you losing your shit means ds has won. Calm and stern is the way to go. After all you are the adult but you're not behaving like one.
DS is probably doing this for the drama of you losing it etc and he gets negative attention. Find a way to give positive attention eg football with dad or whatever he likes.
Remember he's only six so you are responsible for his actions. If dd mentioned this at school it would be seen as a red flag and you would be brought in for discussions.

OneStepMoreFun · 21/10/2018 13:40

Get down to his level, next time he does it to his sister, make eye contact and say in a seriously scary voice: 'Stop it. She doesn't like it. How would you feel if I did something to your body that you didn't like, like pinching or biting, and I didn't stop even if you asked me to? You wouldn't like it would you?' Insist he answers your question. Then tell him to apologise to her and to promise, making eye contact with her that he won't do it again.

I think at that age they don't have natural empathy but they get it if you point it out very clearly.

Original poster
TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 13:44

@BertieBotts lots of physical affection - both DH and DS are very physically affectionate and playful and DH adores the rough-and-tumble style play. DS isn't cuddly because he can't sit still long enough but he does love to be chased and caught, or for DH or me to get into his bed and snuggle him when sleepy. He just needs more! Of everything really - attention, affection, treats, time, whatever. Loads is never enough for his personality.

DD and me are much more reserved and find them both too full on most of the time!

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:45

I actually wonder if a physical thing like stripping his own pants and trousers every time along with the removal might work.

I dunno. But you need to sort this or your DH is going to have the peelers chapping the door. He’s enabling the making of indecent images of a minor every time he lets him get the phone and take a picture and if he tells that in school they’ll have to report it

LadyBaneGrey · 21/10/2018 13:45

What message does this send to your DD3? Her dad doesn’t care if her brother molests her private parts? She can’t even feel safe around her own brother and parents.

It’s disgusting and needs to stop now for her sake. Tell your DH he’s complicit in your DD thinking her body is for others to touch and play with.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:47

Your DH is enabling abuse.

I mean what the fuck is he on. The fact he isn’t dealing with it means he is enabling abuse.

Original poster
TheVeryHungryDieter · 21/10/2018 13:48

@ftfoawygtfosm tell me about it! This was in the summer.

Who thinks they will ever have to have a talk with their FIVE YEAR OLD about not taking upskirting pics of a toddler?

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 13:50

You CANNOT allow him to do that. That’s your responsibility. And your DH. Not being funny but if he did that to one of my girls I’d call the police and I’m a relaxed parent.

Itsseweasy · 21/10/2018 13:51

Your husband’s parenting style (or lack of) sounds like one of my closest friends and their out of control child.
I can’t trust her son around mine so we don’t see them any more.
If your son did this to mine and the school weren’t seen to be dealing with it I would be reporting your son to the police.
This is an absolute outrage to me and far, far more serious than your husband seems to realise.

KurriKurri · 21/10/2018 13:51

if he does this at school he will get into a lot of trouble - especially if it continues until he is 7 or 8 - is that what your DH wants for him, that he is known as the little boy who exposes himself and grabs people's bottoms ? Other children won;t want to be around him for fear of being humiliated by having their pants pulled down.

And what about your porr DD - does your Dh want her to think that actually a boy doing something completely innapropriate and embarrassing to her is OK and her parents wont; protect her from it. How would he feel if a boy outside of your family pulled her pants down - would he want that boy 'deprived' or punished.

You have to come down zero tolerance on this 9obviously Granny is going to be a bit of an eception if she has dementia she can;t be expected to be on programme with the approach, but I imagine one of you is always with him at Granny's ?)

As soon as he does it anywhere any time you get take him away from his target and get to his level and say very firmly in a quiet but very cross tone 'No. We do not do that, You have been told.' And follow with an instant sanction (not a delayed one - like no TV tonight or no screen for a week) he needs to absolutely connect instant repercussion with the behaviour.

So if you are out, you go home - no second chances, no hesitation, - the pther parent can saty wih your ittle girl so she gets her day out. if it's during play, he is removed form the play and made to stand or sit away from the action. and so on. and you continue absolutely no tolerance. no engaging in a chat about it, no grabbing of hands or any kind of tussle - that's all attention for him.
Just remove, firm voice of disapproval, then he can return and see if he can manage to play without doing it.
No one laughs, no one thinks it's funny. no one lets him get away with it at all. Your DH has to be on board with this or he is seriously letting down your DS and your DD.

It might mean you get a few days where you are constantly removing him, telling him no and stopping activities. But he will get the message eventually. At the moment he's getting amixed message, you try to stop it, but your H is not on the same p age and is letting him do it. So he's not understanding - he just thinks 'Dad doesn't mind. Mum's making a fuss'.

He might grow out of it, but he might not. And at six he should have grown out of it (it's not unusual for 6yr olds to find bottoms and everything to do with them funny, but to contiually harrass others and keep touching other people when they don't want it, is more unusual)