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Original poster

What's the etiquette for this? Birthday party thread!

134 replies

chattoaspanishgirl · 20/09/2018 21:18

Sorry, it's probably been done to death on MN.

Basically, my son's birthday is coming up. I want to do a big birthday meal at a 'nice' pub/play area. This is for my family and DH's side, so about 20 people.

Is it bad form to get other people to pay for themselves?

SIL advises me today that people pay for themselves at these things. Where as, I'm not sure that's right?

Isn't it CF to get people to pay for meals they're having for your party?

SIL insists it is the norm for people to pay for themselves.

OP posts:
Tobuyornot99 · 20/09/2018 21:21

You invite to a birthday celebration then you pay IMO.

dementedpixie · 20/09/2018 21:21

What age will your son be? Would he prefer a party with other children rather than family?

dementedpixie · 20/09/2018 21:23

If it was an adult meal get together then the norm here would be to pay for yourself. I'm not so sure it works the same for a child birthday celebration

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FunSponges · 20/09/2018 21:25

"You invite to a birthday celebration then you pay IMO."

No. If you invite to a party then you would be expected to feed people. If you are going out for a meal to celebrate then you shouldn't pay for everyone. That would cost a fortune.

How old is he? Wouldn't a party be more appropriate?

Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 21:29

I have been invited to a birthday party that was a dinner and we were all told it was paid for. The same as a wedding rehearsal dinner actually. It tends to be where wealthier parents are 'hosting' a dinner for an adult child that it's been paid for.

Like PPs I have also been invited to lots of meals to celebrate birthdays and everyone paid for themselves.

You just need to make it clear Smile

Florries · 20/09/2018 21:29

On the invites, put a copy of the menu and say it's reasonably priced (so that they know they need to pay for their own) but you are providing a cake for pudding or maybe a round of drinks?

Whynotnowbaby · 20/09/2018 21:38

Assuming your son is older and so the celebration you have chosen is appropriate, I would absolutely expect to pay if I went to a birthday meal for another adult. In fact the form among my friends is that we would split the price of birthday person’s meal between us (although that’s not relevant if you’re paying for him). You should provide cake for all and perhaps get the first round of drinks.

Whynotnowbaby · 20/09/2018 21:39

The only exception to that is if you’ve taken a private room and put on a buffet or similar- in that case you pay.

plasticfrog · 20/09/2018 21:46

Totally depends on age of child rather than location I think

Up to 18 I think you'd pay

Over 18 I think people are ok with paying for themselves but I'd state in the invite the average cost so people can decline or budget e.g. "We'll be going to x place, meals are roughly £10-12 let us know if you'd be able to join us" type thing

Original poster
chattoaspanishgirl · 20/09/2018 22:26

Sorry, should of clarified.

The birthday boy is going to be 1.

There won't be many children there, many more adults

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/09/2018 22:29

One? Of course you pay.

JustHereForThePooStories · 20/09/2018 22:30

Yes, you should pay.

Original poster
chattoaspanishgirl · 20/09/2018 22:30

Can I ask why him being one means we should pay?

Why would him being older make any difference? Adult meals and alcohol will stay the same price regardless of the age of the birthday boy, no?

I'm just intrigued, not trying to dig arguments Grin

OP posts:
Languageofkindness · 20/09/2018 22:32

It’s tricky really - adults where we are all going out for a nice meal then I would expect to pay but for a one year olds birthday tbh I wouldn’t but then i’d do a bit of food at home or in a hall where the kids can run round. Sit down lunch at age 1 is not much fun. You know your family and what they’ll mind though.

Onlyfools · 20/09/2018 22:33

I think you need to pay. That’s the way it is in my family. I hate it and end up not inviting people as it costs far far too much.

Languageofkindness · 20/09/2018 22:33

I think i wouldn’t expect to pay because it’s not usual for a one year olds party and it wouldn’t be my idea of fun. As I said upthread though - you know your family and what they will find acceptable.

Butterflycookie · 20/09/2018 22:34

I think you should pay

PlaymobilPirate · 20/09/2018 22:36

That a not a birthday bash for a 1 year old. It's a meal out which is a grown up activitt. Not sure the point of it?

IwillrunIwillfly · 20/09/2018 22:36

I wouldn't expect to have my meal paid for and would be happy to pay for myself. Don't think I've ever been out for a meal where the birthday person has paid, if anything normally it would expect to chip in to cover their meal!

BrownPaperTeddy · 20/09/2018 22:40

My view is that if you invite people to something then you pay.

Sometimes we've been out for a meal close to a couple of friends birthdays so it's been a combined meet up and birthday meal and then everyone has paid for themselves.

It's quite tricky if you are asking close family because they may not be able to afford it but feel unable to decline for fear of offending and also unable to make an excuse of being unavailable because you might no that's untrue.

It is difficult and opinion has definitely changed so that it's more acceptable to ask people to pay for themselves.

I wouldn't do it though.

plasticfrog · 20/09/2018 22:40

Yeah I'd find it odd for a one year old and assume was paid for... community halls are fairly cheap, personally I'd chuck a few balloons and make some cheap pizza but it's your celebration

Original poster
chattoaspanishgirl · 20/09/2018 22:41

That a not a birthday bash for a 1 year old. It's a meal out which is a grown up activitt. Not sure the point of it?

Both families get a nice meal and a nice catch up. There is a play area for children that is within easy reach but not right next to us, so the adults don't have to listen to children screaming.

There will be a decorated table, Peter rabbit theme with a cake and bunting. One year old gets lots of attention that he loves, and there will be a table with a 'Please take a treat' Peter rabbit sign with the cake and little cupcakes on. Obviously out of reach for little hands but there for taller people

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 20/09/2018 22:44

We almost always meet with family for birthdays and always just pay for ourselves. I sometimes pay for the kids (cousins) if that is acting as their party but often I'm doing something else for kids so don't then.

combatbarbie · 20/09/2018 22:45

Your inviting to a party, regardless off age if you invite you pay...

If you want them to pay your going to have to phrase it more like, for xx birthday were going to have dinner at Y if you fancy joining us...

Pinkprincess1978 · 20/09/2018 22:48

For my oldest 1st birthday we did a soft play party for the kids then on the actual day family met at a local pub for a meal. It had never occurred to me to pay for anyone other that DH, ds and myself. But that is normal in my family. I have never been out as family and had anyone pay the whole bill. My DH parents often pay for us if we go out for birthdays (now dc are older and cost more they usually just slip DH £20 instead).

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