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Original poster

What's the etiquette for this? Birthday party thread!

134 replies

chattoaspanishgirl · 20/09/2018 21:18

Sorry, it's probably been done to death on MN.

Basically, my son's birthday is coming up. I want to do a big birthday meal at a 'nice' pub/play area. This is for my family and DH's side, so about 20 people.

Is it bad form to get other people to pay for themselves?

SIL advises me today that people pay for themselves at these things. Where as, I'm not sure that's right?

Isn't it CF to get people to pay for meals they're having for your party?

SIL insists it is the norm for people to pay for themselves.

OP posts:
meganorks · 21/09/2018 13:11

This doesn't sound like a kids party but a meal out with family and friends. I would expect to pay for myself and my family in this set up. Although I wouldn't go giving out kids party invites as that might confuse the issue. Instead just tell everyone involved you are going to meal at xx and to let you know if they want to come as you need to book.
I don't think I have ever been in a scenario like this where I didn't pay for myself and nor would I expect to.

DailyMailFail101 · 21/09/2018 13:49

Of course you must pay! You can not invite people and then expect them to pay, if it’s too much of an expense buy a few M&S party platters and have a little party at home.

Are you sure a pub is going to let you bring a table with you? Won’t it get in the way of other ‘pub goers’ and waiting staff? ... your literally going to rock up with a table you have brought from home???

Itsnotabingthingisit · 21/09/2018 14:14

I don't think there is a set etiquette for this sort of event.

Whatever you do, just make it really clear.

Personally, and if it was family, I would expect to pay my way.

This isn't really a birthday party for your 1 year old, it's a general family gathering with a theme. You aren't providing the food ( bar the cake ) and you aren't offering to take people out for a meal, so I can't see how anyone could expect to be paid for.

Just make it clear on the invite in case you have CF's in your family.

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General relationships
plasticfrog · 21/09/2018 14:36

Yeah you have checked with the pub about the table and decor?

I know it'd seem mean but it's possible you'd breach some of their H&S requirements so please do check... if you continue with it as planned

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2018 15:07

I wouldn't have it at a pub or nice restaurant if it's for a 1 yo.
I would do it at home.
You can still have people round, they can still see your DS, but he'll be in a much better/calmer environment and can be put down for a nap far more easily if needed.
If you're worried about costs, you could ask closest family to bring a dish - or you could book a caterer if you're worried that your DH's family will think it's all a bit sub-par.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 21/09/2018 16:50

There is a Brewers Fayre near us. Perfect for when you've got little ones as they're happy in the play area. We've had many a family party birthdays, wedding anniversaries etc. We've always paid for ourselves whoever was hosting - it's that kind of place. You read the menu and order and pay at the bar. Everyone's happy :-)

ferrier · 21/09/2018 16:54

I don't think the OP asked for alternative party suggestions though (unless I missed a post), just whether or not she should pay for guests.
I'm also guessing from op's name that shes Spanish which may account for slightly unusual arrangements.
But as to the question, pp have it. If you want guests to pay for themselves the don't word it as an invitation. Say something like - "we will be going to x restaurant to celebrate y's birthday. We'd love it if you could join us. This is the menu. The drinks (or whatever) are on dh and me and the meal will work out around £x each. Please let me know if you'd like to come."
If you can pay for the whole lot just send out an invite. "Y invites you to his birthday party etc etc." If you're really lucky some of the guests will insist on paying!

BackforGood · 21/09/2018 17:22

Maybe you need to think about what kind of party you’re going for? Peter Rabbit themed stuff in a kid’s play area when you say there won’t be many actual children there and most of the guests are adults sounds odd. Either have an adults lunch or a kids party.
Your one year old will he oblivious either way.

This ^
If you are inviting people "to a party" and faffing about with decorating the table etc. then you pay.

In my family (and dh's), when someone has a birthday we will sometimes go out for a pub meal, and everyone (or every family) pays for themselves. 'Going for a meal to celebrate and occasion' is different from "I'm inviting you all to my party". So you need to decide what you are doing.

Fundays12 · 21/09/2018 18:01

I think you are putting people in an awkward situation to be honest. Your inviting them to your child’s party at a place we’re they are then expected to pay for themselves. If me, dh and our 2 kids went it would cost me about £50 to £60 plus present to attend a family child’s birthday. We can afford it but not everyone can. I would be quite annoyed that I was being put in a position of spending that amount of money but probably would feel I had to go (either that or I would make up an excuse not to go).If you invite people to your child’s birthday you need to pay in my view. If you can’t afford to do this then have a small party at home and if you want alcohol ask people to bring a bottle.

spinabifidamom · 21/09/2018 19:01

How old is he?

Irregardless you should pay. This year we told each guest coming to our twin’s second birthday party that we were paying for everything. It’s a low cost party anyway.

I’m planning to make the cake myself to reduce overall expenses and buy cheap food. We are having it at a local leisure centre. We did the invitations at home in a bid to save money on printing costs. It’s only polite after all.

BrownPaperTeddy · 21/09/2018 19:49

@Fundays12

I completely agree and attending never seems to be optional.

Some of my family turned down an invite to attend a stag weekend at a well known golf club/hotel because they couldn't afford it. Caused an almighty row. You really can't spend other people's money.

If you go ahead with asking guests to pay for themselves you do have to accept with good grace if decline to attend.

Original poster
chattoaspanishgirl · 21/09/2018 19:53

Thanks all, not keen on having anything at home - I hate mess Grin

We will be having it at the planned place but wording it as 'Please join us to celebrate Sèbastian's 1st birthday'. Everyone can pay for themselves that way.

Still providing cake etc. Of which is ridiculously excited to have made. It's beautiful.

All the family are familiar with the location and menu. We have a lot of family get together there, including grandparents 60th wedding anniversary meal, etc.

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 21/09/2018 19:55

We will be having it at the planned place but wording it as 'Please join us to celebrate Sèbastian's 1st birthday'. Everyone can pay for themselves that way

OP, have you read the many, many comments saying it's probably pretty unreasonable to expect guests to pay for themselves? Confused

Original poster
chattoaspanishgirl · 21/09/2018 19:57

SheGot Yes, and they say not to put invitation and phrase it as an invite to a party.

Rather, just to say it's a get together. As people usually pay for themselves at those things

OP posts:
BrownPaperTeddy · 21/09/2018 20:00

Rather, just to say it's a get together. As people usually pay for themselves at those things

So as it's a get together you won't be expecting any presents then?

As that would make it a birthday party rather than a get together surely?

NerrSnerr · 21/09/2018 20:01

And you'll have this lovely decorated corner where you won't spend any times as you'll be over the other side of the pub stopping your one year old get kicked in the head in the soft play speaking as a parent of a one year old

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 21/09/2018 20:01

All the family are familiar with the location and menu. We have a lot of family get together there, including grandparents 60th wedding anniversary meal, etc

Oh okay...what's the usual arrangement? Do you all pay for yourselves at the other family events?

Maxtry · 21/09/2018 20:02

It sounds like a lovely party. He will have a lovely day with family and the play area and decorations will make it even better. As its family nobody will mind paying. Our family would never let us pay for 20. Ignore the rude and nonsense critisisms and have a great time

NerrSnerr · 21/09/2018 20:02

If you send invitations I'd expect you to pay. If you send me a text saying 'fancy a meal in the pub to celebrate his birthday' I'd expect to pay as I'd assume it's just a meal and not a party (with cake tables and the like)

Original poster
chattoaspanishgirl · 21/09/2018 20:04

Max Thank you Thanks

If you send invitations I'd expect you to pay. If you send me a text saying 'fancy a meal in the pub to celebrate his birthday' I'd expect to pay as I'd assume it's just a meal and not a party (with cake tables and the like)

Can't it be a mixture of the two?

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 21/09/2018 20:05

Ignore the rude and nonsense critisisms

From who? Confused.

The OP asked for opinions on whether people should pay. Should we all have ignored her?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/09/2018 20:06

It’s still not totally clear that you’re not actually hosting the party. Especially with the Peter Rabbit table Confused

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 21/09/2018 20:08

OP, it still really sounds like something that most people would expect not to pay for themselves. You're inviting them to an event, and will no doubt be accepting gifts and cards etc. You really should be paying for your guests.

If it's a cost thing, then do something you can afford or do it at home. Does your dislike of 'the mess' really trump everything else?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/09/2018 20:09

There’s always one poster who comes breezing onto the thread proclaiming “Right, listen up. Ignore all those other eejits; you and me are both right - the others are only jealous“...
The ego.

Maxtry · 21/09/2018 20:10

SheGotBetteDavisEyes not the question of paying but the number of people critisising the birthday party and saying its not suitable, child wont care, not appropriate. Sounds like a lovely plan and you'd think she'd suggested something outrageous by some of the posts!

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