What's the etiquette for this? Birthday party thread!

[chattoaspanishgirl]

Sorry, it's probably been done to death on MN.

Basically, my son's birthday is coming up. I want to do a big birthday meal at a 'nice' pub/play area. This is for my family and DH's side, so about 20 people.

Is it bad form to get other people to pay for themselves?

SIL advises me today that people pay for themselves at these things. Where as, I'm not sure that's right?

Isn't it CF to get people to pay for meals they're having for your party?

SIL insists it is the norm for people to pay for themselves.

Maybe you need to think about what kind of party you’re going for? Peter Rabbit themed stuff in a kid’s play area when you say there won’t be many actual children there and most of the guests are adults sounds odd. Either have an adults lunch or a kids party.
Your one year old will he oblivious either way.

"I want to do a big birthday meal at a 'nice' pub/play area."

if you're 'doing' the meal then you are the host and you pay.

I always find these threads odd as it seems so different for so many people.

Here people pay at these events and would never expect the birthday person to pay!

...and what iamagreyhound said

treat tables sound like they should be in a soft play or a village hall, not a nice restaurant. what table? where? you expect the pub to turn away covers so you can use a table to put cupcakes on? not gonna happen.

It totally depends on your finances and theirs. If you really can’t afford to pay then make it clear. Similarly, if any of your guests struggle financially they may resent having to pay.

I agree - you pay. If you're inviting people to a party / formal celebration regardless of age, then you're the host and you pay. If you can't afford x20 meals in the pub, you do a buffet at home / hire a function room etc.

If you're a grown up, and you want to informally celebrate a birthday in a kind of "i'm 35 on Friday, anyone fancy a pizza & fizz to for An my sorrows" then that's suggesting everyone pays for themselves.

Just as an aside, my Hs family expect everyone to pay themselves and I feel hugely resentfulabout it. We've just been invitedtoan in-laws big birthday at a restaurant in their home town with an indication that it's £35 a head without drinks. We're a family of 5 so it's at least £175 for us, plus drinks. We can't not go, it would be really frowned upon, but I'm already annoyed.

Well no, it doesn’t depend on your finances at all. If you can’t afford to host a big party, don’t host a big party...
Not being able to afford something you want doesn’t make it ok to ask guests to fund it for you.

Have the cupcakes in the village hall instead.

This doesn't sound an appropriate party for a one year old. I'd say everyone pays for themselves as in reality is a family get together for a meal. If, as you say there are no other children besides your son I do not see the point of going somewhere with a children's play area as your son will be too young for it. If there are other children included then it seems even more inappropriate. I'd go for a small party at home or a local hall.

Thanks all.

My DH's side do a lot of 'nice pub dinner for birthday/anniversary'

It usually starts off as everyone is paying for themselves, then someone randomly pipes up that they're getting the bill and that's that

Admittedly though, it's never been done for a baby/child.

As for the table, we will be providing it. It's a little white table with a nice covering on top. Then there's the stuff to go on top. It's going at the side, near the long tables for the 20 guests. It will sit near the adults on one of the sides

Just before you reach the table, there will be a little A4 picture (Peter rabbit) saying 'Welcome to Sebastián's birthday celebration!' mounted on one of those things artists use sometimes to paint

Obviously that isn't DS's real name

I wouldn't ask loads of people to a pub for my 1yo's bday meal then ask them to pay. I'd ask them round to our house for a bday party and not ask them to pay.

Sebastián??

well it all sounds very cute

you do realise that Sebastian won't give a shiny shit though right? being one years old and all

It sounds like half a village hall party with the treat table etc and half a pub meal.

As it seems like more of a formal party, not just a get together I think I would pay for everyone. (Not that I'd have a meal for a one year old as both of mine would have just eaten a couple of chips then want to get down on the floor and practice walking)

We've just organised my daughter's 1st birthday party for the end of next month. I've hired a scout hall and some soft play ( we have lots of friends with children around the same age ) and we are providing all food (afternoon tea) and soft drinks (bring own booze if wanted - encouraged 😉) it's basically a chance for us to catch up with all our friends who we now don't see as regularly as we used to.

For a one year old it's more for a parent / friend / family get together (in my opinion)
Big different than in a pub yes but you invite you pay (food wise)

With the majority here, OP. Either do a buffet yourself or pay for people if you invite them somewhere.

I think for DC1's first Birthday we went to the local farm shop restaurant and my mum came along. I honestly didn't think for a second anyone else would be desperate to celebrate it!

Your Peter Rabbit suggestions sound lovely, and it's very nice that so many people want to be involved, but I honestly think you should pay.

Just before you reach the table, there will be a little A4 picture (Peter rabbit) saying 'Welcome to Sebastián's birthday celebration!' mounted on one of those things artists use sometimes to paint

I'm confused though as to what this has to do with who pays for the meal?

Still doesn't give me a vibe of a child's birthday celebration. Very adult ie putting the table by an adult, putting the gifts out of reach of children. Wanting children to play out of earshot. This is not a child's birthday party is it!!

Still sounds odd, op? Welcome to S’s birthday celebration, with a table full of Peter Rabbit themed goodies beside the adults at the pub table is just weird. How many children are actually going?

I think it sounds lovely & if I were going I’d expect to pay for myself. Doesn’t matter if your DS doesn’t understand what’s going on - it’s a happy day and celebration for everyone! I love an excuse for a party

yy

normal meal out without a Peter rabbit theme: everyone pays for themselves

themes and decorated tables: it's a kid's party so the parents pay because they are hosting

I think if you don’t want to pay for everyone, send invites asking if they would like to come for a meal and enclose a copy of the menu.
If you’re inviting them to (what sounds like a birthday party) then you should pay. But if they are family, you should be able to say funds are a bit low and you can’t afford to pay for everyone, but will pay for cake/pudding and a round of drinks.
I don’t mind being told beforehand if I need to pay - I totally get it. But I’d hate to arrive expecting a free meal (as nothing was said otherwise) and then have to pay.

But if funds are a bit low, surely you invite people to something you can afford to do comfortably?

What if 'funds are a bit low' for the guests? They end up with the pressure of finding the money instead or declining and feeling bad about it.

Pick your budget OP, and work within it.

^^ that's exactly right

I was also going to get this to add to the table? Too much?

Sorry OP but this all sounds a bit muddled.

I think either
A) Just have a nice adult's meal in the pub and ask the pub if they are willing to serve you a cake as dessert with a candle in, or
B) Have a little buffet at home or in a village hall with a cake table.

I'd personally do the former of those two. And yes, the present table is a bit much!