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Original poster

What's the etiquette for this? Birthday party thread!

134 replies

chattoaspanishgirl · 20/09/2018 21:18

Sorry, it's probably been done to death on MN.

Basically, my son's birthday is coming up. I want to do a big birthday meal at a 'nice' pub/play area. This is for my family and DH's side, so about 20 people.

Is it bad form to get other people to pay for themselves?

SIL advises me today that people pay for themselves at these things. Where as, I'm not sure that's right?

Isn't it CF to get people to pay for meals they're having for your party?

SIL insists it is the norm for people to pay for themselves.

OP posts:
GooodMythicalMorning · 21/09/2018 21:17

Not really no.

MintedLamb · 21/09/2018 21:49

If you send invitations out then I would assume you were paying. If you sent a message saying "we're going to x place for Sebastian's birthday, you're welcome to join us" I would expect to pay for myself.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/09/2018 21:51

If you’re getting a buffet put on then you pay if it’s everyone orders what they want then they pay I think

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EK36 · 21/09/2018 22:03

If you sent me an invitation to a birthday party, I'd expect you to pay for the food. If you asked " do you want to join us for a meal to celebrate his birthday?" then it's clear I'd pay for my meal.

BackforGood · 21/09/2018 22:24

What NerrSnerr said.
As I said previously, it is a 'thing' that happens in both dh and my extended families, - when someone has a birthday or anniversary, etc., and they want to get together, we sometimes all go to a pub and each family pays for themselves. However this is arranged by text, or more usually WhatsApp group, and is a 'Do you fancy going to 'The Crown' on the 24th?' type invitation.
If someone sent a printed invitation, then I would assume they were 'hosting' - perhaps for a 40th or 60th or a Christening or a Golden wedding party.
If you wanted everyone to pay for themselves, then you 'arrange' for people to meet and don't 'invite to a party'.

BedtimeTea · 22/09/2018 01:28

I have only read the OP, but whenever we had a celebration in a resturant, we paid for the invited guests. Usually we celebrate at home as we cannot afford to pick up the tab all of the time. We feel if we invite, we pay.

But I think it does depend on the people, you say in your circle that it is normal to have people say they will pay but somebody usually picks up the tab. Maybe have enough money with you to pay, and hope pepole insist on paying for themself.

spinabifidamom · 22/09/2018 06:22

I am in the process of arranging a Halloween party.

We have told all family and friends invited that we are footing the bill although they are welcome to contribute if they want to do so. I specifically mentioned that on the invitations sent out. But if I need people to pay I typically tell them in advance.

For my son’s birthday party at a local pub this year we are having a buffet dinner where the guests only have to pay for drinks and dessert if they want. Everything else will be paid for by us. To keep costs down I’m making a homemade birthday cake and doing all the invitations myself to save on printing. Food will be provided by us (we’re buying food from a local supermarket).

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 07:57

You pay, it's a themed child's party.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 08:01

If you can't afford have a little themed birthday buffed at home.

Hanyu · 22/09/2018 08:07

My DH's side do a lot of 'nice pub dinner for birthday/anniversary'

It usually starts off as everyone is paying for themselves, then someone randomly pipes up that they're getting the bill and that's that

So, it seems like it's usual in the family that someone pays for everyone. I mean if you go there a lot and usually everyone pays for their own, then I'd say it's fine here. But, you said that usually someone pays for everyone, so I'd assume in this case that you and your husband are paying.

It sounds like you've had a few meals paid for you over the years, so perhaps it's time for you to take a turn?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 08:13

It is rude to put on food and make people pay for it, if they have no choice in what they eat. Either you suck up the mess at home, or hire a hall, or foot the bill. If I was invited to a wedding, baptism, etc and was told we had to pay, I would be very Hmm.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/09/2018 08:54

OP, the "Please join us for x's birthday" is where you're going wrong. You need to be much, much clearer because your last post indicates that you are hosting when you have no intention of it. You're going to send mixed messages. Shock

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/09/2018 08:57

BackForGood's "Do you fancy going to x on the 24th?" is very much clearer. That's what I think you should send, OP.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/09/2018 09:02

I’m confused at yours too, spina? Your invitation states that you will be footing the bill but the guest can contribute if they want to?!
I would assume that was a mealy mouthed way of asking the guest to pay their own way, and would prefer you came right out and said it; if I were an invitee.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 09:07

If you are not paying, and expect them to pay for yiur birthday themed buffet, than you have to say on the invitation, so they have a choice to attend, also how much you want them to pay. Very rude IMHO.

DanceDanceDance80 · 22/09/2018 09:27

Me and my family often do this for birthdays within the family and everyone pays for their own meal/drinks. No one would expect someone to pay for everything.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/09/2018 09:31

I agree with you, Iamagreyhound. Of course, if it's usual and a tradition in families then that's different but to me it's very clear cut. If you're the host - you pay - lock, stock and barrel.

If you're hosting from your home then you'll probably receive gifts from guests - but you pay for everything unless there's a precedent.

If you are not paying then you're not hosting and you need to be very clear about that so that people know they are not being invited and hosted, but asked if they would like to meet up somewhere on a specified date as you and x, y, z are planning to go.

hibbledibble · 22/09/2018 09:52

Op I'm not sure why you started this thread, when most have said it is unreasonable to expect guests to pay, and your idea is quite frankly odd, and you are going ahead with it, and asking guests to pay.

Generally, if you can't afford to host a party, then you don't. What you are doing is incredibly crass.

Fabricwitch · 22/09/2018 09:55

If you're sending out invites, then you should be paying! I'd get a shock if I turned up and had to pay for myself! I'd think you incredibly rude and wouldn't attend any "parties" in the future.
I'd be happy to pay for myself if I knew that was happening from the start. A WhatsApp group is a good way to let everyone know that you are going for lunch and they are welcome to join you.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 09:55

Just have a small one at home, and put on a small buffet!

BrownPaperTeddy · 22/09/2018 13:16

We were invited to a "milestone" birthday party once. In a hall. No food, pay bar.

Before going we had asked for present ideas and it was suggested money would be best.

So we gave money, paid for own drinks and stopped for Macdonalds on the way home.

If you can't afford a party you don't have one. Don't arrange something and then expect the guests to pay for it.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 13:19

Oh god BrownPaper, what has the hall for then! Just standing around, very rude.

BrownPaperTeddy · 22/09/2018 13:31

Oh god BrownPaper, what has the hall for then! Just standing around, very rude.

It was because they wanted the "show" of having had a party and I'm sure, also as a way of ensuring that they received presents.

This is a real bug bear of mine. If you want a party then you host it and pay for it.

If you can't afford it then you don't do it.

I can't stand the "fur coat and no knickers" brigade - it's all for show.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2018 13:58

The big cheek of some, that is an embarassment. Some people have more front than the Taj Mehal.

Havaina · 22/09/2018 14:11

You sound like a tight CF to me, OP. You want a party, paid for by the guests, and presents, also paid for by the guests. I would regrefully decline the invitation.

And I think this is all you and nothing to do with your SIL. You are hoping someone will randomly offer to get the bill. Do you or DH ever offer to get the bill at these family dinners?

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