What's the etiquette for this? Birthday party thread!

[chattoaspanishgirl]

Sorry, it's probably been done to death on MN.

Basically, my son's birthday is coming up. I want to do a big birthday meal at a 'nice' pub/play area. This is for my family and DH's side, so about 20 people.

Is it bad form to get other people to pay for themselves?

SIL advises me today that people pay for themselves at these things. Where as, I'm not sure that's right?

Isn't it CF to get people to pay for meals they're having for your party?

SIL insists it is the norm for people to pay for themselves.

MadameButterface summed it up so elegantly.

It's an odd amalgamation of ideas, which is why is seems slightly less clear-cut on the knotty matter of who pays. Sticking themed stuff in to a pub meal celebration makes it more confusing. I think you should stick to one or the other but not try to do both. If you do, it's more like hosting and you definitely pay.

The suggestion of a present table made me gasp a lot bit, I'm hoping the smiley does actually indicate you're just winding us up...

My family would pay for themselves in this scenario. Agree that this is a bit of a strange thing to do for a one year old's birthday though.

Depends on the norm with your family and friends. Just do that.

Ditch the sign. Of course, people will bring gifts but no to making it explicitly clear that you expect them.

In our family, we would pay our own.

However, we now tend to chip in for our retired parents.

I think It’s fine to ask people to pay as long as your clear about it from the start. In my family it’s usual to pay for ourselves at birthday celebrations and if your SIL has said it’s fine then others will probably think so too. This a family meal out as much as a child’s birthday party so it’s not like having a schoolage party and expecting the kids parents to pay.

P.s. absolutely do not do a present table, you really will look greedy if you do!

Some people on here are so pedantic. As has been pointed out, the baby has no preference either way, so why not have a nice meal for grown ups where the baby gets lots of attention and cuddles from grandparents and aunties. If the pub has a children's play area, then clearly a couple of Peter Rabbit signs and some cupcakes aren't going to phase them or other diners. I can't see anyone in real life commenting on 'the theme being confused' for a 1 year olds birthday.

Re payment, you know your own family - in mine, the host would pay for a buffet but for a sit down meal, everyone would chip in. (But then we don't ever expect a free bar at weddings!) If you're worried, put the word out first so people are aware.

If you can't afford to do the adults meal then don't do it. Simple!

It sounds a poorly thought out idea to me. Are the other kids old enough to play unsupervised in the restaurants soft play or will they need supervision? Is baby crawling will he want to join in? Are you going to spend time standing supervising the baby crawling around in the soft play?

Both of mine I did a very simple buffet at home, sandwiches, sausage rolls & crisps. A few party games for the older kids - got the adults to join in- pass the parcel, musical statues, musical chairs etc, prize for every kid. Got the big ones to help blow out candles.

All minimum cost, max fun for the kids, less stress than trying to keep an eye on kids in a restaurant play area and birthday boy isn't confined to a high chair and can actually play with other kids. Also means you can open gifts in front of your guests.

We would do things like this a lot-but it would be a conversation like, ‘it’s dads/my/small child’s
Birthday next month, does anyone fancy going to the x for lunch?’

It’s not a party-it’s whoever’s free going out for lunch. We all pay for ourself and al is well.

If it was a party with invitations etc though, that is different.

In our family there would be a rush as everyone tried to pick up the tab...but we’re all comfortably off (at the moment...when DSis wasn’t then DM and I would French split things). So my take is that you do what’s normal for your family but you make sure everyone is on the same page and if they’re all paying that it’s truly optional!

French split?! Blooming autocorrect. Just split!

I would NEVER expect the host to pay at a family meal out. Whether it's a one year olds birthday party or just a catch up. I don't think you need invites or copies of the menu. People are perfectly capable of looking online for the menu.

So its neither a meal out or a proper party?! Pick one.

In my family and friendship groups we pay for ourselves for a pub/restaurant lunch/dinner. That way if you can't afford it you can just decline. BBQ, village hall anything like that host pays.

I think you are over planning though. It's turning into a home/village hall type party but you want everyone to pay for themselves. Scale back and make it less formal and people pay for themselves. Or go all out and pay for everyone.

Present table is too much.

Baby is too young to appreciate the party aspect anyway

I agree that if you can't afford the party that you want then do something different. Our local village hall is £35 for 4 hours, we often host parties there and make sandwiches etc. Or have the party at home?

I also wondered if you'll spend the whole time in the soft play with the one year old.

Seems a bit of an odd combo, can you not have the meal then back to yours for cake and more chatting? If parents bring kids pjs they can all have a bath, change for bed before the car ride home.

In my books if I invite, then I pay

Depends on the wording:

"You are invited to DS's first birthday party" - host pays and I would expect a buffet or to choose from a limited, fixed price menu, eg carvery.

"We are planning to go out for a meal to celebrate DS's birthday, would you like to join us?" - guests pay and choose whatever they want.

Do the pub know you are bringing a table, signs, etc?

I know (hope?) that gift sign was tongue in cheek, but it’s pretty flabbergasting
The lollipop lady at our school covered a cardboard box in wrapping paper one Christmas, and left it at the side of the road with a sign saying “Claire’s gifts”!
Most people were amused at her cheek, but I didn’t realise it was a thing?

The gifts sign was a tongue in cheek things, but they do exist and I've seen them at friend's extravagant baby showers too, such as 'Fiona's gifts and cards'

One cheeky fucker friend decided it would be a nice idea to do a collection for 'Fiona' for when she went into hospital to have baby, the cash was for her to buy hospital treats, use it in the shop and parking

If you issue an invitation then as a host, you pay. You're the host.

If though you just want people to show up on your child's birthday to eat a meal in a pub of your choosing, and pay for themselves then you make that CRYSTAL clear, send people the menu for their reference - and they'll either attend or not but don't owe you an RSVP as you are not hosting, just co-ordinating, maybe?

Either is fine.

Gifts are irrelevant; people will either give them or they won't.

I think if you are inviting people to a birthday / anniversary / whatever party - you pay

If you are saying let’s get together for a dinner at x restaurant - everyone pays

well you can drop that crass & grabby sign for starters