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Original poster

Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

268 replies

Want2bSupermum · 30/08/2018 21:50

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 30/08/2018 21:54

Just don't go home for three weeks? I wouldn't.

Branleuse · 30/08/2018 22:04

Tell her that you will not tolerate digs or passive aggressive comments. Shes welcome to leave if she doesnt like it

RedNed · 30/08/2018 22:11

Agree with Branleuse

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HotSauceCommittee · 30/08/2018 22:14

She’s very rude! Tell her to go home. She obviously doesn’t like you, so what’s the point of you being together?

FetchezLaVache · 30/08/2018 23:09

Please go with Branleuse's suggestion. How dare she take so much of you and DH's money and then be so vile to you?

MrsAmaretto · 30/08/2018 23:13

Tell her the truth, she should feel beholden to you and stop acting like a cow.

southnownorth · 30/08/2018 23:19

She sounds vile. I would love you for forever if you had paid off my mortgage.

zzzzz · 30/08/2018 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 23:26

Tell her that you will not tolerate digs or passive aggressive comments. Shes welcome to leave if she doesnt like it

What Bran said.

Being ill isn’t a good excuse for being a rude and ungracious to the people hosting you and supporting you.

I’d be expecting an apology.

Returnofthesmileybar · 30/08/2018 23:28

I really never understand why people let other people treat them like this, especially in their own home, just loose your shit "That's enough Mary, I am done with your rudeness, WE paid for your flights, WE gave you money, WE offered you a bed you refused, WE opened our home to you, now you clearly don't like me because you treat me like shit, that's fine I don't like you too much at the moment either but you will damn well show me some respect in my own home or pay for your own fees to change your tickets and leave"

Seriously don't let anyone treat you like shit in your own home in front of your own kids, people treat you how you allow them to treat you

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 00:08

Thank you guys. It's been so hard for me during the past week to just not say anything. I'm going to speak to DH and have him correct her. I'm very disappointed that he hasn't put her straight.

It's also very challenging because we are high income but we just don't spend the money. We leave for Canada tomorrow and we are driving up, leaving at 4am. It's 7 hours to drive. To fly up would have been $3600 plus transport to the airport plus rental car. It's less than $250 for us to drive plus we have our own car during the visit (something that is easier for us with having autistic DC who are attached to everything including their car seats, seat in the car and travel blankie). Infront of DH she said I was being cheap by making DH drive up instead of flying. I told her I was more than willing to drive but she would be sitting in the back and she found it uncomfortable therefore DH was driving.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 31/08/2018 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 31/08/2018 00:13

Three weeks?!
Couldn't do 3 hours with my sil, bereaved or not, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 00:23

zzzzz I hear you and normally I'd be the first person to answer back and tell them to FO. At work and in my personal life with friends I am quite ruthless about cutting off people who don't treat me with respect. With her every single time I answer back she throws the pity card at me. Earlier this week, when she said she wanted to go to Moma I said DD1 has her art workshop on Tuesday lunchtime. If she could take her in using our driver (he is a taxi driver who drives for us when we need to take the kids into Manhattan) I am 4 blocks away at work, any problems have them call the office and I will come running over. She started attacking me saying 'You keep forgetting I'm sick. You expect me to be looking after your children and doing the housework…' I let her finish her rant and told if it's too much it's ok the sitter can take her. She replied saying you don't even want to go for lunch! Confused

OP posts:
zzzzz · 31/08/2018 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 00:55

She and her mother have always been funny with me. I'm very passive with them both because normally I just have our own plan and crack on. It's only a problem when they stay with us.

Very true about guests stinking after 3 days. SIL stinks from her cigarettes on day one. No one here smokes really so I'm just used to it.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 31/08/2018 01:42

Jesus Christ I'd have lost my shit long before now - how on earth are you tolerating someone belittling you and shaming you in your own home. After you forked out for flights, food and spending money?

I don't give a shit how sick that guest was, they'd be shown the door quicker than it could hit them in the arse.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 02:34

Well I got through dinner. She knows she has pissed me off. Over this morning, when she turned her back and pretended to be asleep while I was on my call for work and our toddler was bawling, she told me I should have asked her for help. I just said 'I thought you were sleeping'.

OP posts:
TacoFriday · 31/08/2018 08:07

She is ill, she lost her husband this year, you have a cat litter box full of shit you won’t touch because your suit is dry clean only, and in every single example you give do force your kids on her.

I still can’t believe you’d leave cat shit in a litter box because you’re wearing something that needs to be dry cleaned. It’s like a bad spin off of Sex and City girls trying to be mums.

guiltynetter · 31/08/2018 08:12

tacofriday at last somebody speaks sense! this post is so strange.

SummerStrong · 31/08/2018 08:26

3 weeks of sleeping on the sofa is a lot to ask anyone....can you not organise a bed and room for her in your home? Perhaps with some privacy and a decent nights sleep she may be a bit less grumpy.

StitchingMoss · 31/08/2018 08:30

Sounds like there are very much two sides to this story.

ArfArfBarf · 31/08/2018 08:41

You won’t ever be right in her eyes. Your dh needs to make it clear that these are his decisions she doesn’t like, not just yours.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 09:25

taco I did clean it out. Just not right then. I had cleaned it out the night before. I have a housekeeper who cleans it out during the day and I clean it out at night, just not when I'm wearing a suit which is dry clean only.

summer we have offered her DDs bed. She doesn't want to sleep upstairs because she says DD shouldn't be sleeping on the floor. She wouldn't be sleeping on the floor. Dds bed is a trundle bed. She then said she doesn't want to sleep in the same room as DD and DS. We have DS and the baby in with us so she would only be sleeping with DD (7).

arfarf I spoke to DH about it last night. He shrugged his shoulders and said he fell out with her for this reason and didn't speak to her for 3 years when he moved here 15 years ago. He said you can't win with her and poor husband is resting in peace having been nagged to death. I told him her Mh issues aren't mine. I'll keep my mouth shut but he needs to tell her to back off. Her DH used to interject and tell her to stop when she would bitch. DHs family have always have a wierd dynamic. DH is the golden child, his sister can't do right by their mother and I'm not Danish, haven't made an effort to raise the DC as Danish, so less than.

Anyway, for anyone who thinks being an expat is all glamorous I give you 4 weeks with in laws.

OP posts:
Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 09:47

taco I don't foist our DC on her. We have a FT sitter, a housekeeper and someone to prep food on a PT basis. Going to moma she would be driven in at our cost as DD is driven in anyway, DD has a therapist who meets her at the entrance. I'm 4 blocks away. It's also absolutely fine if she doesn't want to take DD. I've already got it covered.

OP posts: