Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

taco I don't live in Manhattan. I certainly don't lead a sex in the city life. Far from it. I work hard and spend whatever time I can with my family. The reason for me posting about socio economic background is because I was responding to a PP.

At this point I'm dreading Christmas. My SIL is normally ok and and my MIL the nightmare. We are due to go back for two weeks and I don't see it being a harmonious trip.

@TacoFriday You flush after a shite or a piss.

Actually many countries, where water shortages can be a problem, use the phrase : "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."
www.greenideareviews.com/2012/04/18/if-its-yellow-let-it-mellow-review-does-it-work/ is a blog explaining the logic.

I'm not making claims that it's a good or a bad thing, just that people do have different way of looking at things for very logical reasons, and don't consider not flushing the toilet the instant one urinates to be "boak".

Hi OP, I have seen your posts for a long time and can also vouch for the details of your lifestyle that have been questioned on this thread ...

Having a sitter might sound posh to some, but I think the US school holidays are long - 12 weeks? There also isn’t the infrastructure of holiday clubs etc, particularly for children with SEND. So it’s hiring someone or nothing...

Unfortunately the set up you are describing doesn’t sound beneficial for anyone. Your house is very busy and, if you don’t have a guest room, is not big enough to host someone long term - especially someone who is ill and grieving. She isn’t unreasonable to need her own space.

On the other hand, in a house with toddlers, she is always going to need to lend a hand. So if you are expecting her to distract your child while you are on a call, then that is asking for her help.

Her personal manners are dismal, to be fair.

If you want to host her, you probably need to find a hotel room or airbnb nearby.

I've suggested to DH that we get her a hotel room. The local hotel is $180 a night with discounts but they don't allow smoking so she doesn't want it. There isnt anywhere on airbnb that allows smoking. I've asked two friends who have airbnb units for a rescue and they gave me a link to a place in the next town over. The reality is that a household with 3DC is going to be loud and chaotic at times. However no one is home between 8am and 4pm.

Where we live, it is crazy and I've often talked about how we try to raise our DC in as normal a setting as possible. It's not uncommon for people in our community to have a sitter 7 days a week. I've fought hard to not have a cleaner and the reason DH has pushed getting the housekeeper is that his calendar is insane. He is home for about 20 nights between now and the new year. I have my own demanding job.

Summer holidays here are long and I didn't want my elder two in a specialist camp. They had the extended school year until August and school starts next week. Over the summer we added therapy sessions for both DC and our sitter has a car. It's worked out brilliantly.

For today my godmother is taking her to a winery while DH and I take the DC to a local zoo and fishing at the pier in the afternoon. At my godmothers home she has her own room and my eldest loves that room. During the night she has snuck in and slept in there. Apparently I should be able to control this. Again, something blamed on me which I had zero control over because I was sleeping. DD has been told off and told not to go in there but she did it again last night. DH isn't expected to wake in the night to check on the DC. Just me. Absolutely bonkers.

Well, then she needs to get used to standing on the street and smoking like other people who stay in hotels do! I hope she doesn’t expect to smoke around your DC?

The fact of the matter is that she wants to stay with you, but she doesn’t like what you are offering and it stresses you out - is anyone actually winning here?

Honestly, she sounds like a demanding bitch. You don't smoke in a non-smokers home. You don't stay with someone as a guest, refuse the bed arrangements they offer and then complain that you don't like the sofa. You don't call your host lazy. You don't demand that they clean the second they walk in the door.

I appreciate she's unwell, but she's also making no effort at all and treating you like crap. Being unwell doesn't mean you can just behave atrociously towards someone and expect them to just keep taking it.

taco do shut up, you're fooling no one. You just sound incredibly jealous.

Every time you post I get a knot in my stomach just hearing how tense and impossible the situation is.

How the hell are you going to do this all again at Christmas? Could there be some political flu on the horizon?

I am another person who wouldn't be doing this again at Xmas, the plus point of being far away is getting to disengage with the crazy sometimes. I would honestly let DH go by himself if he was determined to and have a lovely Xmas at home with DC, ideally you could all stay at home.

Well she just got out of bed and it's lunchtime here. I've been up since 7am with the DC. She told DH last night that I'm rude to her because I don't engage. He asked me to be nicer to her. I made her breakfast and she was nice back to me. I'll have a word with DH later about this being the problem. I'm not here to serve her, DH or anyone else. I'm running my own business, my job, coordinating therapy for 2DC, running a household which includes managing 2.5 domestic employees and I don't have the capacity to run around other people making them breakfast and pandering to their whims. I am happy to meet needs but draw the line at whims. I had left pancakes, bacon, chopped apple and tomatoes from the breakfast I had made for the DC. DH, myself and my godmother ate from that. She decided she needed boiled eggs, a bread roll, ham and cheese. That's fine but expecting me to cater to this is not ok. If DH feels so strongly that I should do this he can run around after her or pay extra for help. I'm not running a hotel and I'm not here to serve her.

I'm on the Christmas arrangements. I've changed the hotel booking and flights so we spend less time in Denmark and more time in munich. I've reserved two extra rooms for my PiL and SIL to come down and stay. This way our stay in Denmark is reduced to 7 days but his family don't miss out on seeing the DC. It's a nice hotel with a pool and breakfast is included. If they want to come they are welcome and I fully understand it's too expensive for them so it's all paid for by DH and I if they want to come.

Sometimes, the more you do for (and give) people, the more resentful they get of you. You have paid off her mortgage and given her a shedload of cash / credit card, then free accommodation for a holiday AND spending money on top. PLEASE stop it! You are feeding the troll!
And this is how she thanks you? Perhaps she hates being gifted all this but has no option but to accept? (Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.)
Try doing a whole lot less.
I'd be tempted to keep well away from her and MIL, who I think you said was even worse? Why you want these horrible people around your children is a mystery!
You sound like superwoman, BTW, with all that you are juggling!

She sounds like a nightmare to deal with. You need a medal for keeping so calm in front of her and letting your DH sort things out.

blue The problem is I can't win. I want my DC to know their family and I know they can't afford to join in. DHs family have no idea how much these things cost and we know they have absolutely no way of affording these things. It would be unfair to have them stay in a hotel somewhere further away with less time with the DC. We live in a really expensive town. SIL is on disability. She has very little income to support herself and certainly can't afford to order lunch in or eat out when she doesn't feel up for cooking for herself. The only social interaction she gets during the day when visiting us is if she leaves the house. She isn't comfortable with the housekeeper. It's painfully obvious she isn't comfortable with us having paid help. I grew up in a household with staff so it's not hard for me to adjust. I can empathize with her that it's difficult if you aren't used to it. This is why we gave her spending money. Also, I don't want her having to ask us for money. We are doing things well outside of her budget.

The other major factor with us paying for flights and hotels is that we use points. Our trip to Munich will cost us about $1000.

Perhaps the fact that you ARE handing her pocket money exacerbates the divide?

Not sure what else to suggest, other than a prepaid credit card so it’s not so in her face?

That said, she seems determined to have a problem with anything you set up.

In terms of breakfast, it may be prudent to ASK what to get in for HER to sort herself out when she gets up, then there is no “staff”, no food being left etc, and while I travel well, muck in with anything, I would choose to eat pancakes for breakfast, and danish breakfast is even further away from British breakfasts and further from US breakfasts.

This is all so entrenched now.

If she’s there for longer, then I think a proper conversation with ALL adults to ask her if she’s happy, or would she want to go back to Denmark? She’s supposed to be there to enjoy herself, but it seems like she isn’t, so no hard feelings if she’d prefer to go back, she doesn’t have to stick it out, it’s ok to change her mind.

IF however she wants to stay and is happy to do so, then to actively muck in and stop being so dismissive of everything you’re trying to do.

FWIW, if I had to wait over half an hour for a drink in a cool box on your lap, within your reach etc, then I’d think that it was rude and mean. Wtf was your H doing driving 90mph with everyone in the car too? You could and should have got her a drink, your H could and should have slowed up so you could have passed her a drink.

Your lives sound totally over stressful, they are unsustainable at this level. I get that you have big salaries, but as you say, you don’t get to spend it, everyone and everything seems so rushed, high octane. it all seems so tense and unhealthy.

Take some time to slow down and enjoy your family, kids, marriage.

hissy This is how bad it is. We had the items in she wanted for breakfast. We just didn't have them on a plate for her. She expected me to fix her breakfast plate even though I had already made breakfast for everyone. Apparently it's the woman's job to do this work. DH shouldn't be doing this sort of work because he 'works so hard'.

DH told me gently this morning that she told my godmother our home was filthy and she spent all day cleaning. She told my godmother I was sleeping in while DH took care of the DC and I was hiring people to do work in the home that I should be doing.

DH refuses to change her flight to leave earlier. To be fair it would mean buying a whole new one way flight and we had her fly over business class without points because of the airline. However I'm happy to pay it. She has insulted me repeatedly. I have friends with young DC and I've visited their homes and they are messy, a bit dirty but filled with love and the joy DC bring. Never would I tell someone. I pick up, clean up and give the parents a break when I visit. I get it and most people can't afford the help needed to keep their home in show room condition. Heck we have help and with 3DC and 3 pets it's a FT job. I steam clean the floors at 8pm and by 10pm they are dirty from DH, myself and SIL walking in and out of the kitchen to the garden.

As for our life being busy. Yes it is. If I stopped working it would still be just as busy. DH has a senior management job plus runs his own business. I would still have my business. My job is what I enjoy and it gives me a break from working for others. Not working didn't work for our marriage. I also like that it pays well and should anything happen to DH I could keep everything going on my income alone. We have had a few people, like my brothers wife, confide that they thought our lives were very glamorous until they stayed with us and saw how much work it is and how planning is key. We have one free weekend between now and the new year. I'm looking at Q1 scheduling already.

What did your DH do when he found out about her critising your behaviour and your home?

Criticising, even.

Ask her to leave the vile liar. If your day doesn’t back you up ask him to leave too.

This thread is epic. It's one part inlaw moan and two parts lifestyle blog.

It's mumsnet meets Instagram.

I'd do anything for a housekeeper but I won't do that.

She sounds jealous and bitter. She's gotten used to you ignoring her digs and is upping the ante.
What did you dh and godmother say about the blatant lies?