Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

How the hell you didn’t bellow SHUT THE FUCK UP at her is beyond me..

Seriously I don't know how I haven't lost it. She has completely gone nuts this afternoon. It's 5pm and she has decided we are having movie time. I made popcorn but drew the line at lemonade. I'm not giving my kids sugar water two hours before bedtime.

I wanted to go do a stealth purge but DH told me SIL is livid I'm not sitting down with the DC. So now I'm sitting down with the DC while I MN. DH has gone to Home Depot to get keys cut and a new extender to stop the puddle forming outside the back door. I don't have time for this shit. I've got a full week of work and I'm not asking my housekeeper to purge wardrobes.

I have been reading from the beginning and have not posted until now as I expected she would have been given an earful and sent packing by now, economy class. How that has not happened, I do not understand.
You, OP, are a saint. Considering all you are juggling, you have more reason to have mental issues, depression, or stress than she does. Lost her husband?! I sympathise, but that does not give her the excuse of acting like a rude bratty entitled teenager. What an absolute piece of work. How are you just complaining on here and not literally kicking her out of your house for being so vile. And your husband, who should have your and your children's best interest at heart, should stand by you whether this is his sister or not, especially as he knows what she is subjecting you to. Who needs all this drama and stress when life is hard enough on its own. This woman is jealous of you, resents you, and possibly even hates you. Maybe she is getting more insane, and as a result your 'domestic setting' is not conducive to a good recovery, is it now OP?! I would think going home is in her best interest. Indeed. Plus, she is driving you mad and having a very negative impact on your children. I would be putting my family first. Your husband needs an ultimatum. Either his sister goes home now, as clearly she is not doing well here, or you are moving her into an Airbnb, as you should not have to subject your children to any changes to get rid of an issue, when the issue is moveable.
This is YOUR home, and this is YOUR family. This bitch has overstepped her boundaries. You have pandered to her every demand and been overly patient. Time to go all guns blazing. Grow a backbone and get her the fuck out of your house.

FFS, can't your DH tell his sister that she has no right to be "livid" about how you choose to deal with your children, and if she doesn't like it she can leave?

Are you sure her H didn't fake his own death? I would have done if married to someone like her!

Another weekend down, and only 1 more to go!!

{{Hugs}} for not having lost it, and good luck for keeping the cool for one more week.

And when she is gone, I'd have words with DH about who decides what constitutes family time activities, and who "must" participate in these. Particularly when there are other tasks, which are important to the smooth ongoing running of the household, that are being postponed because of other people's refusal to accept your decisions.

DH has gone traveling until Thursday and then is home until Friday afternoon and leaves until next Wednesday. No airbnb will take her because of the smoking. DH has said 'it will be a week on Wednesday and she is gone'. I told him it's a week on Wednesday until you are home arsehole.

Promise yourself this will never happen again. And then keep that thought in your head. Keep thinking 'you will never set foot in my house again.' over and over.

If she does, you leave and your DH looks after her. She's not your responsibility, and she sounds extremely trying.

want2be I don;t have a solution to your dilemma, but I wanted to say I feel for you. I find you as a poster over the years on MN to be resolute, thoughtful, and very reflective. So reading how frazzled you sound..... I feel for you and as someone who has had my hospitality abused soundly more times than I care to admit (we live in a lovely tourist hotspot) I know how galling it is to feel as if you are being used and under appreciated.

God, want2be, every time I read an update it gets worse. I can't believe the entitled bitch is telling you what to do with your own time in your own home. Who the fuck does she think she is.

When my lovely mil stays with me for 3 weeks, I find it hard going - and she is lovely and spends most of her time telling me how wonderful I am and desperately trying to help. My own mother was a bit demanding in that I had to give her meals at the times she was used to but that was all - and she was delightful to the children. And even then I was a basket case after 3 weeks.

Your dh owes you big time for putting up with this - because you are the one getting the venom here. I would expect a heartfelt thank you at the end of this for not kicking her out or having a meltdown. I would never have her to stay again. And frankly, if I were you, I'd leave the kids with your dh in Denmark over xmas and head off for a few days someplace nice in Europe/UK with a friend instead.

I've already decided I'm going to boycott the Christmas dinner. I'm Jewish and today is a major holiday for us. We normally recognize the holiday at home but my SIL refused to allow this. DH pandered to this. I'm furious about it.

The good news is I found an apartment which came on the market on Friday. I have one of the wives of another executive at work who I get on with going to view it for me tomorrow. If I can buy this in the next month I can have my team from my business go get it ready for our visit between now and mid December.

They celebrate Christmas on the 24th. We are doing movie night with popcorn. Why in England and America it's the 25th. Thank goodness Hanukkah is on the 10th this year.

I'm Jewish and today is a major holiday for us. We normally recognize the holiday at home but my SIL refused to allow this. DH pandered to this. I'm furious about it.

Seriously? the day the SIL leaves, I would have the fight to end all fights with dh if he did this to me. He is as disrespectful to you as his sister is. Don't just boycott the dinner - don't bother going to Denmark at all.

No matter what you do, she is going to regard you as a piece of shit and tell your dh this. From now until she leaves I would talk to her exactly as you want, fight back if you want, ignore her if you want. People like that get away with their behaviour because people like the rest of us are usually too nice/shocked to behave the same.

Shana Tova. :)

I don't need anyone's permission to celebrate anything. Celebrate away, just organise it and do it.

Hold ON! Your H isn't even there today, so do wtf you want and celebrate the holiday you want to and tell that awful woman to stay in her room if it so offends her

I'd tell her to go home - at her expense - and be done with it. there literally is NO WAY BACK from this now

Your DH does seem part of the problem here, is he doing anything for a quiet life or does some part of him agree with some of the stuff that dsis is saying?
I can't believe that she has been allowed to stop you celebrating your religious festival day. How has she ended up with this much power? Don't have her back ever.

If your "d"H has gone travelling, then it is not up to him how YOU celebrate YOUR religious holiday in YOUR OWN HOME!! And that's so far above any consideration that any guests to your home get about your personal observance in your own home.

If YOU want to do what you normally do, then that is up to YOU to decide. Not DH. And CERTAINLY not SIL.

So (and if I get this wrong, my apologies), on the way home, stop at a grocery store and pick up your apples and honey, and sit down with the DC tonight and welcome in the new year.

I think you are entering dangerous territory with your DH going away as she will be able to spin any incidents entirely her own way.

I really, really recommend that you get her a hotel room. She can negotiate her smoking arrangements (i.e. none!) directly with the hotel.

On another note, do you ever think you take on too much? I would have done the apple picking thing just with the two eldest and refused to take the baby, hungover DH or not. It was stressful because you had, quite literally, bitten off more than you could chew.

Sorry you missed Rosh Hashanah.

It's not about asking permission although it does look that way from what I posted. The plan was to celebrate yesterday evening. The DC have school today and I wasn't going to pull them out for the day. My family has adapted to western norms and neither rosh hashana or tom kippur are official holidays. My family have always celebrated around work and educational commitments. My SIL has come out with some real howlers about Jews being rich, about hiding their wealth in their teeth by having gold inserted etc. I've just ignored it or responded in a way as to educate her. I come from a family who are very wealthy and my grandmother was an aristocrat, a junior one. Being Jewish has nothing to do with my family being wealthy and it's amazing what has been accomplished consider the oppression they have faced over the past centuries.

I was so mad last night and my post was me minimizing otherwise I would have exploded. DH is avoiding conflict and I know I can't win if I put his sister in her place or on a plane back home. I will forever be painted as the bad guy.

I've vetoed his parents coming. DH was like 'oh we will have a month to recover' but I was resolute about them not coming. I need some peace.

maybe The elder two loved the apple picking and I couldn't leave the baby with my DH and SIL because she would have been miserable. I would have come home to a disaster. Our schedule is set weeks in advance. It's hard to change it beyond what I have as rain out plans.

I think anyone with 3DC under 7 with 2DC with autism is taking on a lot. The plan was for DH and SIL to be included in the apple picking but they went off plan when they decided to go drinking. I could have asked my sitter to come in and help but honestly it's not fair on her or her son. She needs a break too.

Want I'm Jewish too, and how can you bear to have the old, antisemitic stereoptypes thrown at you in your own house, by someone you have supported and continue to be civil to, despite her not deserving it? These things are never benign.... and nowadays can't just be 'ignorant'.

My FIL once made a stupid nasty comment about rich Jews. My DH told him; 'Not only is my wife Jewish, my children are too, and you are not welcome in my house'.

It's not on.

No it's not on but I've got all the ammunition needed that she never visit again. I know it sounds awful to say this but I found myself thinking that at least her illness is terminal and she won't be around for much longer and also that at least with Trump as president immigration of people like my SIL has come to a standstill. It's taken a while but I found a silver lining to Trump.

Those weren't "howlers". There is definitely an anti-semitic angle to her attitude to you.

Just when I think it isn't possible for your sil to get worse she does. My guess is that she is envious of you and is throwing everything mean and spiteful at you that she can. That doesn't make it okay, she knows what she is doing. I would be inclined to drag her round your nearest Holocaust museum if you can face it. She appears to have significant gaps in her education.