Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

I know she is using her MH as an excuse. I just drove most of the way back from Canada as DH has a big meeting tomorrow and was preparing slides in the back of the car using my hotspot. It's all just one big effort by her to have her way. She told me in the car that I should be much more supportive of DHs career. It was a uh huh kinda conversation.

As I said earlier I would normally have nothing to do with someone like my SIL as a colleague. I've always been very good at managing people who aren't good team players from my teams. If it's a lack of personality fit I find them the right team they can be successful in or it's a performance review with the goal of improvement or removal. This is family and she throws in the Mh card, which I do believe to be true, at me every single time. She is totally fucked up in the head. It's very sad to see but it's not my problem and I don't have the capacity to take on her problems. She needs professional help. This is why I've been handling her with kid gloves.

If you aren't able to move out with your children for the next 3 weeks (and I would) then I suggest you practice

"uh huh"
"why bless your heart"
"interesting"
"yes indeedy"
"you are a funny one"

And tell your dh to stop telling you the awful things she says to him - you don't need to hear them. You already know. His response to her should be "I'm so lucky to have want2be aren't I" over and over and over.

the woman is toxic.

Don't invite her again. It isn't fair on your children. They are going to have 3 weeks of mum and dad being stressed out of their minds. We are immigrants to the US too and often have (lovely) family to stay and it still affects the kids (especially when they were younger - and mine were more or less without sn).

The good news is that DH and I went through the calendar last night and there is a week less than I thought of her being here. In my head its two weekends and I'm done. DH is changing his travel/work plans for the second weekend so he can be home. DH is the first to say she isn't welcome again.

Oh that is good news Supermom! Sending you positive thoughts to keep it together for 2 weekends and glad to hear you have managed to rearrange Christmas as well.

That's something, at least.

You have to wonder what goes through her head. She can hardly think she's ingratiating herself with anyone? Maybe she's too jealous of you to be able to control herself.

babiescomewithhats Thank you. It's important to DH and I that our DC are raised with a somewhat normal childhood. It's so easy to get caught up in the small and insular world we work/reside in but there is a whole other world out there. The DC love fishing. They hate it when they don't catch anything but we play I spy games and 'tell the fish about our trip'. It's an important life lesson that you have to wait sometimes to get your catch and sometimes your catch is smaller than you hoped for.

whocansay I have no idea what is going through her head but from what she has come out with she has a mental illness far worse than anyone has suspected. I've asked DH to call her doctor in Denmark. I have a suspicion she is masking a lot when she is in Denmark and there is a whole lot more going on. She really needs a lot more professional help than what she is getting. I've told DH that if she wants to see someone here we should encourage her. We are fortunate that we can afford to pay for it and the care here for mental health is top quality with zero wait times.

I genuinely don’t think you should get involved

Grin and bear it, call her out on any crap and drop her off at the airport and then that’s it. You’re done, you’re out

If you get her help near you she may stay!

fuzzy

Exactly what I was worried about!

I must say, if it were my sister, the second she started lying about me to my godmother she'd be on the plane home. OP, perhaps you and the kids should move out to the airbnb?

She sounds a pain, but I think you could be more empathic. It can be a strain sleeping in someone else’s house and people need privacy so I understand she doesn’t want to share a room with your DC no matter how lovely they are. Quite apart from anything else she is newly widowed - perhaps she wants to cry herself to sleep every night or lie into the small hours reading. And a sofa for any length of time can be hard on the back, it would take less than 2 minutes to order a mattress topper on Amazon.

Your tone comes across as very old fashioned, like something from an Austin novel. You enumerate in some detail how much you have paid for this poor relation to come and stay and so she should be grateful to you. It all seems a bit ‘Lady Bountiful’. She should know her place and help the staff out with the DC whilst you and DH are doing more interesting and important things elsewhere. I’m not saying that’s exactly how things are, but maybe that’s how it feels to her.

Do you what you can to make her as comfortable as possible and then treat her like a family member. Tease her a bit. If she nags about the litter tray give her the scoop. Perhaps introduce her to local people/activities she can do on her own to get ther out of the house (yoga/worship/craft classes etc) to give her some conversation that isn’t criticism. Defer to whatever her areas of expertise are and make her feel valued.

Have a great trip to Canada - I hope it all shakes down soon and you find a way forward together.

What a nightmare. I think part of the problem is you're giving her too much and she feels like a charity case = resentment and jealousy. I wouldn't be so generous in future. Best of all is to limit her time as much as possible.

She is using MH as an excuse. She's clearly got it in for you and you both have to present a united front to her, which you are clearly doing since she's bitching to your godmother.

I think my MO would be to treat every conversation as an 'uh huh' one. Everything is a mind game with her. I think you have to go grey rock.

loon I put it all in the OP so as to not drip feed. Also, we don't expect her to do any work or childcare. We have people we pay to do that for us.

I was working until 1am last night and DH called me to tell me she had cleaned the upstairs bathroom (had been cleaned on Friday just before we went away and vacuumed Monday night by me when we returned). He was furious with her because she is only going to use it against me to tell everyone how she did the cleaning to everyone who will listen. The housekeeper needing managing because she thought we were unhappy with her work. After driving back from Canada on Monday DH spent 4 hours on a plane yesterday. The last thing he wanted was to deal with this.

I did think about moving out the airbnb but it's too much change for the DC. They really don't do well and we have school starting tomorrow. I need them stable in their own home as they struggle with changes to their schedule.

Anyway, happy I closed on one of my deals last night. Came home and had a snuggle with my toddler who was sleeping in the buttercup (middle of the bed - we call it the buttercup when a baby is in it).

If she wants to clean let her, don't waste time getting stressed about her choices. I know this is easier said than done but it may just be part of her mental illness. It may make her feel more useful, she may enjoy it. I clean when I visit family, to be helpful and because it never seems as bad cleaning other people's houses. I know her previous actions don't suggest she is being helpful but maybe you could just choose to consider them as that regardless.
She was going to moan at others if you had housed her in a Ritz-Carlton.

I hope your snuggles helped, and that you managed to persuade housekeeper that it wasn't her - it was your guest who you are unhappy with (and that her time here is limited!). Congrats on closing the deal. And looking forward to hearing what fun you and the DCs get up to over this weekend - then you only have 1 more to deal with!

I'm absolutely exhausted and crawling into bed at 10pm here. DH and I had drinks last night and his sister kindly offered to look after the DC once they were sleeping. She offered this because DH got free box tickets for the soccer game tonight from a supplier and has taken her. It's Brazil vs usa I think. Anyway he is pissed off with her because she drank too much. Its been nice to have the evening at home. I've caught up with my paperwork for my business and read another white paper for work.

The DC have not had a great start to the year. DS doesn't have an aide and DD hates her teacher. I've got a meeting at school on Monday as well as an important meeting with a board sub committee and CEO. SIL is pissed with me because I'm using our driver to get me between the two locations and then back to work. I told her to either come in when he is on his way in or take the car in when he is taking me back. Apparently I should be able to take the bus. Whatever.

What is worrisome is DD1 starting to verbally express her dislike for SIL. DD1 was very naughty and sprayed water on SIL while she was sleeping. SIL never said anything to DH or I but was very nasty to DD1. After DH had left for work she told me what happened almost accusing me of setting DD1 up to do it. I had no clue this had gone on and was furious with DD1.

So she’s a bitch to you, about you and to your h.

Now she’s starting on your kids, and you’re just going to turn the other cheeks

Her time is up. Enough.

This trip is a disaster and now that it’s bronging your dc into it, she absolutely needs to go home, or to a hotel

I think the time has come to give her those options as an ultimatum for her to shape up or ship out. Last chance.

look, your children are picking up on the immense additional stress in the house - precipitated by your SIL.

Honestly, I think your first duty is to your children. If they were easy-going children with no additional needs you maybe could expect them to suck it up knowing you will never inflict this on them again. But they are not and this is having a big effect on them. The first weeks of school are hard enough for every child. I have neuro-typical children but one has more emotional issues than the others. There have been times I have felt that I have really imposed on all three of them by having family staying at difficult start dates - September is a particularly hard one. As am emigrant you want to stay in touch with everyone but your children didn't chose to be "emigrants" they just want the same smooth start to the school year that the other kids have. And the same normal family holiday.

I think your sil needs to go home in a few days - change the tickets, absorb the costs and get her home. You and your dh need to prioritise your children here.

I also think your SIL is miserable in your home - what on earth does it bring to anyone to have her stay longer?

Well my window for booking her a ticket home has closed. DH is in the dog house after going out late both Friday and Saturday nights. I've been in bed at 11ish and the one who is up with the kids early. We went Apple picking yesterday, well the DC and I and DH and his sister stayed home because they slept in. After we got home our friends were having a block party so I took the elder two over to burn some more energy on the bounce house before the rain started.

This morning I took the DC to church on my own and DH rescheduled lunch with friends for 2pm without telling me. I had baked apple pie and apple bars for lunchboxes with the DC this morning for us to bring for dessert. Of course DH was running around after his sister after both of them slept in again until lunchtime and forgot the pie. DS was so upset and I quietly asked DH to go home to get the pie. My SIL interrupted and told me I should go home to get the pie because DH is tired. I told her to stay out of our conversation. I know tonight when I tell DH to rebook her ticket for the cheapest day this week he will say no. They have 'bonded' now. I'm kicking myself while reminding myself it's 9 days left.

No one went home to get the pie. I'm beyond furious at DH for being so very rude. He also forgot the wine. He said he has a hangover. I've come home early for DDs therapy session and put the booze in the laundry room where he will never find it. He won't have the excuse of a hangover again.

Yep and the kids did a great job making apple pie. Yesterday was hillariously awful with the 3 of them apple picking. I had the toddler in the stroller eating an apple to keep her busy. Meanwhile DS decided he would pick up fallen apples from the ground and throw them. DD was climbing the tree to get the good apples with me standing under ready to catch her. I was spotting DD while tackling DS. Somehow we managed to collect 15lbs of apples. I think the toddler ate 4 apples in total!

Other families were passing us and avoiding us. I overheard someone make a comment about single parents and another about how I was clearly out of my depth! It just would have been so much more fun for everyone If DH had been there. When I told him and SIL about it the conversation was shut down because apparently it wasn't funny. Well I thought it was hilarious to have one child half hanging out of a tree, another one trying to throw rotten apples while mummy runs after him and the baby strapped into the stroller eating yet another apple which was a literal gob stopper!!!!

On the way home I stopped at the winery and picked up two cases of wine and a block of cheese. I've hidden it from DH and my SIL in the laundry room with the other booze!!!