Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

I find it really odd that you say your husband should put you before your children.

don't worry. her husband isn't putting anyone before himself so it is a moot point. meanwhile the OP is actually and in reality putting her children first. just as well ...

It is so guess. For me I'd rather my Dh put my dc first rather than me.

Or equal.

But me number 1 and dc number 2 just seems off.

Good news about your DH, want2be. Even better news that your trip with in-laws has been cancelled and that your dad is coming.

I think I’ve worked out the little nit that’s stuck out for me in your posts. Are you sure that it’s to you that your DH should be proving himself? I know you’re carrying the consequences of his negligence, but to make him prove himself to you (rather than to his DC or, actually, himself) makes your joint parenting sound transactional. Business-like. Parenting jointly is a labour of love (which is why it’s so hard when the love is replaced with hostility or other when a marriage/relationship breaks down). It’s not a realm for parity or deals being done. Sometimes, I’d say often, one partner carries more than his/her fair share. Sure, in the early days, we trade lie-ins and whatever, but that’s as between adults. The child is unaffected. In this case it was the child who would have suffered. The debt (so to speak) isn’t owed to you.

It’s a small thing, but I’ve finally put my finger on it. By the by, really. This is nothing to do with which of you has the bigger career, or expectations habitually placed on women. These are not the point here from the sounds of you and your DH.

Did he tell his parents what he did? He really needs to own it, not just make the right noises for 6 months.

I really don't know what I could have done with her medication. I got her a cupboard to keep her medication in before she arrived. It's lockable. She left it out all the time and got really angry with me when I picked it up and put it in the lockable cupboard. It was then DH spoke up and told her she needed to keep her medicine out of reach of the DC.

I'm being firm about his family and their involvement. His mother is somewhat similar to his sister. She is upset with me because 'I'm wasting DHs money hiring people to do work they could do for him.'

Basically it's our money. We bought a place for us to stay at when we visit. Honestly they can all fuck off. We made a joint decision to buy the place and hire someone we know who will do a good job. They also want to stay and the answer to that is NO.

He hasn't told his parents and honestly I'm fine with that. His mother is a person who tries to rule by guilt. It's not constructive and I don't need her shifting focus when DH needs to be focused on himself.

I had no idea that this would have developed in the way it has over the past while @Want2bSupermum.
I think you're doing fantastically well under the circumstances. Just make sure that you take time to look after yourself too.

OP is responsible for leaveing her child in the care of her husband.

seriously! She was supposed to know he would leave a child in the car because of her being busy and ambitious? Is there any way women can't be made responsible for the actions of men?

OP is responsible for leaveing her child in the care of her husband.

No, she is not. He is equally the parent, and "DH said he wanted to take DD2 because he was going to have her pick out training pants."

OP doesn't get to take charge, any more than her DH does.

Well he was an equal parent until dyfus clarified he wasn't. That has been lifted and he is a de facto equal parent. He might not do 50% of the work but he is equally responsible.

We are ALL responsible for who we choose to leave our children with

Yeah but most of us think we can actually leave our children with their other parent - our husbands. That you think a woman should believe this is not an option in an otherwise normal relationship - no he had never forgotten a child in a car before this - is astonishing. And you cited her busyness and ambition in your original post. no idea what relevance these have but you seem to think they did.

I gave plenty of advice to the OP. What I didn't do is tell her that her husbands actions were her fault. What I did do is call you out when you said that her husband's actions are her responsibility.

I have no idea where you are coming from zzzz in this discussion - I can only presume there is some history for you that you would give responsibility to OP for her dh leaving their child in the car alone for the first time and then her having to deal with the fall out. because otherwise it just seems cruel to the OP.

Gosh, OP, you've been through the mill and zzzz is not helping with her weird interpretation of family life.

I was going to comment that I have a certain sympathy for your DH, in that he has been living away from his sister for so many years, they are family but you don't have the same techniques for dealing with them after so many years apart.

I left home and country when I was seventeen and when I went back to live there many, many years later there were lots of small niggling issues with my mother that would naturally have been sorted long before if I hadn't left.

OP is responsible for leaveing her child in the care of her husband.

This is just ridiculous. The responsibility is always hers? Talk about a mother's place being in the wrong.

How are things now want2bsupermum?