Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

OP, I don't see any responsibility being anything other than your DH's. You did your best to remind him and inform him, and ultimately he is the parent as well, an adult who was in charge of your DD at that time.

If you don’t want him to now be alone/responsible for your DC’s, it’s going to make family life more difficult for you for ferrying to and from school, after school clubs and weekend sport or music events.

{{Hugs}} to you Supermom. It sounds like a horrenduous situation that they have both left you facing. I'm with Clangers and Queen on where the responsibility lies and the steps you are taking despite it not being your fault. Good luck with DH continuing to take responsibility and working to put it as right as possible.

parker we have 2 sitters working around school hours. I'm also finishing work earlier and working from home after the kiddies have gone to bed. I hate working from home but it's a small price to pay for knowing my DC are properly being cared for.

The other part of this that has really pissed me off is that if I was able to focus on my career like DH has I'd be making at least as much as him. I was trading my own book at 25 at a top tier investment bank and making a lot of money for the bank. At 28 I was selling debt deals and lead my first public high yield debt issuance. My commission for that one deal was about my base salary today and I'm a CFO of a subsidiary company. Had I been able to develop my career I'd be close to being a c suite employee at a much larger company and making a whole lot more than I make now and probably more than DH makes now. Instead I make 3x less than him (hey it used to be 6x), work longer hours than him, take on more of the household admin and he has the nerve to leave our kid in the car because his sister distracted him.

There are a number of occasions in my life when I’ve felt I was worse off for being more competent. It’s not fair. It stings more when it’s a male/female thing. Very easy to slip into “all men are...” and “all women are...” from there. The shitty thing, though, is that whatever you do you could end up worse off. The only decent solution is for your DH to fix this. Hopefully you married a man who’s capable of this. (Sorry for lack of paragraphing, my return button doesn’t seem to work)

It's not just my return button not working! I fear MN is trying to go the way of Twitter.

My goodness. I got halfway through before thinking that I didn’t think my marriage would survive if my dh acted the way yours did. And then it got much much worse. One thing that comes to mind is that I have had times when I’d forgotten whether my kids are in the car. As a result I have excitedly pointed out a police car to the empty car seats. More than once. And I may have got to the second verse of “the wheels on the bus” before I remembered that only I could hear my dulcet tones. Because my instinct is that the kids are always with me. Because they nearly always are. But your husband’s instinct when he isn’t thinking is that he doesn’t have kids with him. Presumably because he spends little to no time with them and even when he does you do all the active parenting. If you decide you want to continue with the marriage then I think perhaps the two of you need to discuss your priorities. Does he really need to work the hours he does? What if he stepped back a bit. Do you need the businesses? Really? Your kids are going to need a lot of support growing up and maybe this is a wake up call that what he is doing - prioritising money and work over time with them - needs to end. (I also have no return button.)

zzzzz- in what way is "being busy socialising" and being driven ambitious and working hard the same thing? I cannot see any similarity at all. Really one of the bizarrest comments if all time...

keep strong OP . Things will get better.

but surely the thing that is so all encompassing is then rather the dh's work than OPs? OP did not forget her daughter, her dh did. Who exactly needs to be change their behaviour and be ruthlessly honest with themselves?

zzzz Its been a very interesting week for DH. I've told him he needs to get paperwork for DS sorted for state provided services. Well he started filling the form out last week and asked me for help last night because he couldn't finish it. I sat with him and helped him finish it after the DC had gone to bed. I was also doing the paperwork for DD to join the girl guides and checking payroll for DHs company.

DH stopped at one point and told me he had no idea just how much paperwork I get through and how much I get done. I had a meeting with school in the AM and went back at 5pm for their back to school night. During the day I did my job which included the launch of our first customer on a new platform. At 9pm another mother called me in tears because her child is being let down badly by the district. I spent an hour on the phone with her listening and then from bed I was emailing school with updates/thank you notes, work and DH was snoring away. He woke up this morning and told me he is getting rid of his terrible assistant as he needs someone who manages his whole calendar not just his work calendar. She refuses to anything regarding his personal life and honestly it is ridiculous when his work life has stepped into our personal life. He text me from work to tell me HR have agreed to let her go for non performance. He also apologized for not listening to me months ago when I told him she was rude to me because I expected her to book DDs ticket with DHs for a work trip back to Denmark.

I really am glad that he’s starting to listen to you. It does sound like he’s had a bit of a wake up call.

My only concern is that the change is sustained. How likely is it that he will go back to normal when all the shit he has caused dies down?

I've been very clear that I need to see permanent changes. He has done well so far and when things haven't gone well we have talked about it and discussed how we can do better.

It is a worry that these changes are short term but I have to be positive when I talk to DH about the changes he is making otherwise he will think divorce is inevitable and totally give up. I don't want that to happen for the DC.

Sounds good - a carrot is always better than a stick!

I don’t think you will because your posts are dripping with determination and strength - but don’t let him pull the wool over your eyes. He’s the problem here, not you.

Has he cancelled his parent’s visit yet? Or is he hoping you’ll change your mind?

He really needs to keep stepping up, he might have a big business but at home he needs to pull together with you not against you.

He needs to accept it is part of his work as much as anything at his paid work. I feel sympathy I have had to tell dh a child related thing for the 3rd time this week and have been told I am sounding cranky. Having so much space for work related issues and so little for family stuff has to be a choice.

I find the need to “champion the little woman” on this thread really patronising.

Do you? I find the need to call women being supportive of another woman "championing the little woman" really patronising. The only person who used the phrase "little woman" is you - the sentiment is yours not ours. But your comments on this thread are downright weird anyway - you seem to think the OP's caused her husband's negligence by daring to be ambitious and busy.

His parents trip is cancelled. His mother is disappointed but she has taken it well. My dad is coming but he stays for a couple of days and then leaves for his home he keeps up in CT and my dad is really good with boundaries. He blends in and helps with domestics not the DC. He also tells us to go out for a half hour walk once the DC are sleeping so we get a breath of fresh air and a chance to talk while exercising. My dad has been extremely supportive of DH but told him straight it's taken him way too long to grow up.

Also my dad helps with homework and reading. When he was here last time I came home once to my dad doing a reenactment of the battle of Waterloo with a bunch of kids, toys, animals and dress up. For a 70 odd year old man who has been quite sick he is absolutely bonkers and the DC (his grandDC and other DC in the neighborhood) love him.

Your dad sounds absolutely bloody ace. I’m glad he’s told your dh straight - if nothing else it proves it’s not just you who feels like you do

I think you do have some responsibility. Unfortunately as parents we always do. You choose to be busy and ambitious and it sounds as though you are very driven. These are qualities that are admirable. They aren’t admirable if juggling them all means children’s safety is compromised. It’s just as neglectful as if you had a slightly feckless husband and are busy socialising and the childre have access to prescription meds, or get forgotten in the back of cars as if you are busy juggling work/therapy/business.

This is what you said zzzz.

If that isn't what you meant or you think this means something other than you attributing blame/responsibility to the OP for her dh leaving their child unattended in the car (an extremely serious thing in the US where the OP is by the way - her dh is damn lucky he isn't being charged with a serious crime) then you might want to think about a course on writing english before posting again on these kinds of threads.

best of luck to you OP. your dad sounds like mine. My MIL tells the story of coming in to a room and overhearing my dad telling a story to my very small very fascinated toddler children "and then Marcus Aurelius thought that no it wasn't right that ... "

I find it really odd that you say your husband should put you before your children.