Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

[Want2bSupermum]

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

You don’t have to justify your life choices!

She’s judging you by her standards and finding you wanting, you’re judging her by your standards and finding her wanting. The reality she is a widow with disabilities on no income, you’re a high-earning mother of 3 with her brother as a DH. This relationship is never going to be smooth sailing.

It’s difficult to treat her as you would others because she’s your DH’s sister. But that’s what she’s obliging you to do with her behavior. You don’t need to be the bigger person, and even if you did it would just end up in resentment. Put a distance, for your sake and hers. Treat her as you would any other person, consider your duty done by all the things you’ve done for her on your own terms already (having her to stay, financial contributions etc).

I often find brothers marry the complete opposite of their own sister(s). Makes the SIL relationship difficult.

What has you dh said to her about her lying and complaining.

@MorrisZapp

Your husband needs to tell her to leave immediately.

How can he accept someone in his home that is so vile to his wife? Has he even said anything to her?

I'm sorry but I cannot understand why you are being so passive about This?

Why are you not telling her how rude and unpleasant she Is? Sick or not it doesn't give someone the right but you are currently letting her behave this way

Stop beating around the bloody bush and stand up to her

You don't need to aggressive or shout but stop being passive aggressive and handle it!

Some of this stuff is subjective, your house with pets, dc, two super busy parents and no cleaner may well be in a different condition to a house with one person in it. I'm am really surprised you don't have a cleaner to be honest. That doesn't mean it is dirty, my house isn't dirty but it's not my mil's flat. Your sil may have done some cleaning during the day while you were out and overplayed this in her head.
Are you over invested in trying to create family bonds that aren't there in reality?

DH was very upset with her but downplayed it with her so not to stress her out. He told her she needs to understand that 3 DC under 7 means the house will get untidy and messy during the day. We can either spend our day with our DC or doing housework. We choose to spend our time with our DC and do the housework after the DC have gone down for the night.

I'm trying to let DH handle his sister. DH has asked me to speak back to her when she says things. I've done that and she stopped speaking infront of me and started talking about me to my godmother.

Right now she is upset because DH didn't stop at duty free at the border. DH was going to turn back but I told him you can't buy from duty free on a visit less than 48 hours. Going back over the border the clock starts again. They are very strict about this. Now it's my fault DH missed the duty free shop because I should have pointed it out. It wasn't well sign posted and I was dealing with the elder 2 DC, one having a meltdown and the other recovering from one. I told her the stress from her expectations is setting off the kids because they sense it from us. I asked what she wanted to buy and it's cigarettes. I said we can stop in Pennsylvania as they are cheaper there at about $40 a carton. She told me we can pay the price difference. I was a bit at the comment.

zzz when I say weekends are planned, I schedule breaks into our weekends. The elder 2DC have four therapy sessions each at weekends and the baby has a music class. We then have family time, trips/excursions, birthday parties and work events. I'm very careful to not overschedule at the weekend. I'm on my own for quite a few weekends between now and NYE. I've got 2 long weekends (fly out weds night, arrive Thursday am, doctor appointments for my dad thurs/Friday and fly back Saturday AM) in England where I'm taking all 3DC on my own. I've got childcare help when I'm in England as I've got some work to do too. At least my father is very thankful for me visiting and helping him with his health.

to be quite honest, at this point, I would arrange for myself and my children to go somewhere else and would leave her with her brother.

DH told me gently this morning that she told my godmother our home was filthy and she spent all day cleaning. She told my godmother I was sleeping in while DH took care of the DC and I was hiring people to do work in the home that I should be doing.

your dh should have kept his mouth shut.

Honestly how have you not told her to STFU? She is beyond rude and clearly gives zero fucks about upsetting you so why are you all pussy footing around her. Her bereavement and disability is not an excuse to play the cunt card constantly.

Your dh needs to gently tell his sister to stop moaning to people. How come he's happy gently telling you things but not her.

feefee I'm pussyfooting around her because she has told me twice how she can't handle any stress and anytime I challenge her with a reply to her rude comments it stresses her out and stress sends her the hospital. Basically she doesn't allow me to respond to her ridiculousness.

pallisers DH is also totally fed up of her antics and none of what he said surprised me at all. My godmother is lovely but she was being super sweet with her and balling her eyes out. DH was like WTF. He told her that her critiquing me was her critiquing him because it was his choice to marry me and create a family with me.

This thread has saved me. Thank you so much to everyone who have listened. I spoke to DH about us doing less and not giving her money. We gave her cash because her Danish credit card we have her has very high fees. I didn't think to use a prepaid credit card because so many of the smaller shops only accept cash and a prepaid credit card would be attached to our checking account and we could see the activity. I don't care but DH does and I know he would make a comment in her response to her digs at my spending. That's something he needs to work on. We are extremely fortunate to be able to give the gifts we have given but it's only a gift if you expect nothing in return. Expecting my SIL to be civil has nothing to do with what we have given. It's basic manners.

OP I think you're my new hero. Not because of the SIL issue, which sounds dreadful, but because when DH and I next think our lives are running in 6th gear too much I'm going to come back and read this thread. And I'm not being sarcastic at all. I absolutely love that you have this incredible lifestyle in NY and yet you're taking your kids to watch a swing bridge and go fishing off a pier. Enjoy. You're my type of parent, and she'll get on a plane soon

This may be harsh but if she was in hospital at least she wouldn’t be in your home being rude. If she’s that ill I would make a journey of this distance the last you facilitate. You can’t possibly take responsibility for someone so sensitive. And I still think you should send her home.

But in real terms I do understand why your being so supportive- I’m not criticising you and I know what I’m saying is easier said than done. She’s just managed to piss me off and I’ve never even met her. Smoking is no good for stress either maybe you should mention that..

You really can't choose your family and some people confuse kindness for weakness, it isn't. Grit your teeth, disengage and remember that whatever is making her so miserable isn't your fault.

She sounds a total bitch and you need your DH to step up and speak to her. Lying about you to other family members, etc isn't on.

How about putting the trundle bed in the living room if it means she won't be on the sofa?

want2bsupermum. I always love reading your posts and I'm sorry you're having all this nonsense from a guest. I've been there with my own family, called them out on it and they stormed out. I just felt relief.

I think you are amazing, a great mum and wife and career woman and you are being very kind indeed to your relentlessly obnoxious SIL.

Op. I’m sorry. I take it all back.

I'm pussyfooting around her because she has told me twice how she can't handle any stress and anytime I challenge her with a reply to her rude comments it stresses her out and stress sends her the hospital. Basically she doesn't allow me to respond to her ridiculousness.

This is purposeful and organised manipulative behaviour

My (abusive) ex was exactly like this.

These people behave like this because they want to upset and hurt you, and then they use the “illness” as a reason you can’t haul them up on it

Fuck her.

fuck her sideways.

Tell her to stop bitching about you, stop complaining and stop lying and making problems for your family.

Tell her that she’s being accommodated at great expense for this trip - which will be the very last you’ll ever pay for - and that if it doesn’t suit her then she can call HERSELF a cab, get her sorry arse to the airport and back home to people who will put up with her abject rudeness.

Seriously, her affect on the kids is crossing a line. She has to go to a hotel at her expense, go home, or stfu.

Oh... and you’ll be emailing EVERYONE you know to give the correct side of the story before she even opens her mouth.

She’s a bully

She’s a threat to your family, your wellbeing and your marriage

She either Stfu Or ftfo.

Again, I’m sorry.

I’d be driving her to the hospital myself

Let THEM put up with her.

As you have twigged your SIL is using her mental health issues as an excuse to get what she wants. And everyone to frighten to say anything in case she has another 'episode'.

I'm not sure how you go about changing other then grin and bear it and spend as little time with her as possible. Or start treating her how she treats you, speak to her in the same tone as her, and hopefully she will get the hint about her behaviour.

And never every have to stay with you again for the length of time again.

Having read your last update, she is completely playing you.

I think that you are an intelligent, highly competent woman who is completely stymied by the fact that she is ‘family’ and therefore supposedly has a hold over your DH. How would you respond to a colleague who treated you with such contempt?

Book that hotel or AirBnB for tomorrow. She can see you for meals and outings, but you all need some space.

What is stopping you? Fling money at the problem fgs.

I am closely related to someone who has tried to take their life more than once, but I would still pull them up on bad behaviour.

It's awfully convenient that she can be as vile as she likes to you, but finds it too stressful to be challenged herself! What a load of old bollocks. She's playing the lot of you.

Send her home. And if your DH is too spineless to do that, book somewhere for you and your kids until she's gone. They don't need to be inflicted by her either.

I'd be very angry with your DH too, to be honest. He seems to think her well being is more important than the rest of his family put together.