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Original poster

Venting - I have a SIL who is driving me batshit crazy

268 replies

Want2bSupermum · 30/08/2018 21:50

We have 3DC ages 7, 5 and 2. Our eldest 2 have autism and we are extremely fortunate that they are high functioning. However they are hard work. The 2 year old is a 2 year old. Love her dearly but she is into everything. We are expats with DH and I both working FT plus we run two businesses. We are BUSY. We have a FT sitter over the summer. I've hired a housekeeper and I have a lady help with cooking 3 days a week. I'm sharing this because my SIL has come to visit us. She is very passive aggressive about everything. Has to be the martyr. I get that she is very sick. I get that she is hurting from losing her DH early this year. It's so hard not to react to her actions though.

I've told her to take my eldests bed she said no because she doesn't want to sleep with the DC. Meanwhile she is complaining about sleeping on the sofa and wants DH to buy her a mattress topper. I don't have time for this.

She keeps accusing me of foisting the DC on her. I have a FT nanny over the summer and I've said join in when you want, I've told our nanny she is sick and can't really fully participate.

Most of all she keeps calling me lazy. 'Well you have a housekeeper now I'm here I guess because I'm the only person filling the dishwasher' and 'the cat litter boxes stink you must clean them out now' as I stand there in an expensive dry clean only outfit. When I didn't do it right away she started telling me how it's wrong that he brother works so hard and I wouldn't have the house etc if it wasn't for him. It's really taking everything in me to not open my mouth and tell her WE paid for her flights, WE gave her $1000 spending money when she got here and WE have provided for her stay. Basically it's been me who has told DH we must support her financially because she can't work. It was me who pushed DH to pay off her mortgage, give her a credit card to pay for food etc and things when she can't afford it.

Anyway I'm rambling. I've got another 3 weeks of this. I'm miserable. It's too stressful at home. Everything is disorganized because she refuses to follow our plan.

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 31/08/2018 10:12

I agree with ArfArf - you'll never be right for her. She's looking for things to pick on.

Know that you've made the effort to treat her well. Count to 10 when she says something stupid and think of her poor DH (for his sake).

If she wants to do something, offer her the choice - "well, DD will be going to her therapy anyway so the driver will be going in at X time if you want to go with them, or else you can make your own arrangements when it suits you but you'll have to pay for that yourself."
"I see that the tray is full again - housekeeper cleaned it earlier, and I will clean it out again in a little while once I have changed into suitable clothes, but if you are worried about it, the bags are here and the fresh litter is there. Oh, and could you please make sure that you empty the ashtray while you're at it, thanks so much" (smiling all the while)
"I know you prefer to sleep on the couch rather than a proper bed, but we don't have space to store a mattress topper for the couch so I'm afraid we won't be changing that, but DD likes sleeping on the other bed so she would be happy for you to sleep in hers if you can't sleep properly."

And put a spare cushion into your room. So that you can go into your room, close the door, and either punch the cushion or stuff it into your mouth to silently scream. Maybe have a lot of lavender oil in there too.....

Enjoy your weekend in Canada.

zzzzz · 31/08/2018 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiddyPop · 31/08/2018 10:19

Oh, and refuse to engage with her on not following the plan. Just sort out the rest of the family and your usual plan, and she must tag along with that or sort herself out. You have enough going on with work and the DCs so, while you will make some accomodations (like having a bed for her and offering ideas for her to do things when you are all busy, or for her to join you on family events at the weekend) - you won't be changing your own plans wholesale to fit around her, as you have a family with complex needs.

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Families
Parker231 · 31/08/2018 16:30

Want - I think you are an expat family? Are you OPOL? We are and have found that family visits work well when asking the visitors to do games with the DC's local to their own country. Would this work with your DSil - it would mean the DC's were occupied and she had a chance to play with them in her own language and customs?

Both my family and DH's bring games from home with them to play with DT's (still do it now even though DT's are Uni age).

Elementtree · 31/08/2018 16:41

This should really be your dh's problem. Idk what to suggest, she doesn't want to like you, you can't win.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 20:23

We are almost at my godmothers house. I've survived the insults without knocking her block off. I had a work issue and had to resolve it before we drove over the border. She was upset with me for dealing with it because I wouldn't fetch her a drink from the cooler. I'm sorry but no one died from waiting for a drink for 30mins. I was balancing my laptop, payment token and phone on my lap and the top of the cooler. DH was driving 90ish mph. No I can't get you a drink 'right now' and if you have an issue with dry mouth use an OTC mouthwash.

parkerwhat is OPOL? Yes we are expats (well DH is. I'm an immigrant).

OP posts:
MsForestier · 31/08/2018 20:39

want2bsupermum opol stands for one person, one language. It's a strategy for bilingual families, I think.

I'm an expat and having my own family for weeks is hard going.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 31/08/2018 22:53

Ah yes when it suits her, obviously when she wants to complain. She will speak to DH in danish and then expect DH to tell me what they said in Danish. She thinks this means there is zero input from me for plans.

Just now, infront of my godmother, she told me she paid when the sitter took her and the kids swimming because I didn't give the sitter money. I lied and told her DH is in trouble because she is supposed to give her $50 a week for activities and treats! Of course I paid. She said it when DH wasn't there and she wasn't expecting me to say it was him who should have given the sitter the $$$$. She really is exactly like my MIL. I'm so happy that when we go back to Denmark via Munich in December we haven't told her we were planning on having her flown to Munich for a short break with us. It's not happening now and DH is in total agreement with this. We booked tickets and a hotel room. I'll donate it to charity before I let her have it. At least the charity can auction it off and someone will be benefiting from the trip.

OP posts:
TacoFriday · 31/08/2018 23:07

“taco I did clean it out. Just not right then. I had cleaned it out the night before. I have a housekeeper who cleans it out during the day and I clean it out at night, just not when I'm wearing a suit which is dry clean only. ”

What the actual fuck. If a cat shits it a litter box and you see it, you sort it. Just like you flush your own turd. Not when you get to it. Not when the housekeeper comes round. You don’t flush a toilet twice a fucking day. You flush after a shite or a piss. When you see a shite or a piss in a litter box, you clean it.

No wonder your sister in law thinks you’re lazy. Boak.

pastaandpestoagain · 31/08/2018 23:18

I feel your pain OP, long family expat visits can be a real struggle. Detach as much as you can, whatever you do it will never be enough. I see no reason why SIL couldn't empty cat litter if it bothered her, my lovely MIL does when she stays over with us. She is a family member not a hotel guest. If she is well enough to fly long haul she is well enough to poop a scoop, if she is bothered.

Elementtree · 01/09/2018 06:58

I don't have a cat so I had a quick read of the RSPCA guidelines. It says to spot clean daily and change the litter once a week. So taking a few minutes to get changed into suitable clothes seems entirely sensible to me taco, I'm failing to see the issue.

zzzzz · 01/09/2018 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 01/09/2018 19:08

taco Are you my SIL?!?

Well I've married an amazing man. Last night he went nuts with his sister. After her comment about me not paying the sitter for activities he was very upset with her. Today he has taken her to the mall to go shopping while I take the kids to the beach, going to watch the lift bridge and playing in the splash pads. I'm now at a battlefield with the DC.

I really am lucky to have a DH who has stood up for me because if I stood up for myself I would have lost.

OP posts:
TacoFriday · 01/09/2018 20:13

No OP. And that isn’t some sort of an amazing snappy comeback that puts me in my place. Just a twattish thing like the infamous tinkly laugh and head tilt.

RedNed · 01/09/2018 20:26

Taco OP said she got changed and then cleaned the litter tray. She works FT and has 3 dc, fucking rude of sil to say she's lazy.

zzzzz · 01/09/2018 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 01/09/2018 20:51

I think taco thinks it's AIBU. I specifically started this in chat because I know it's not me.

I know I'm not lazy and we tried the self cleaning one but just couldn't get on with it. One of the cats doesn't like it and DH said it was too loud. It's also a 2min job that is easy enough done.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 01/09/2018 20:58

Multiple cat owner not seeing the issue with taking 5 minutes to get changed when you come in. The turd has been sitting there for however long, it's not going to burst in to flames or start running around the room smearing itself on everything in the time it takes OP to change in to something a bit more appropriate for crouching on the floor scooping crap. If SIL is so bothered she could do it herself; if you chose to come and stay in a house with cats you accept they're going to crap and you either clean it yourself or suck it up whilst you wait for someone else to do it.

pallisers · 01/09/2018 21:11

omg want2be, I read this thread without realising it was you! then looked at the username. you are so not like that on any other threads you post on - you always seem confident in speaking your mind in real life etc. She is doing a number on you.

If I remember correctly, your dh comes from a culture famed for "speaking their minds". I think you need to be just as forthwright back to her as she is rude to you.

good for your dh for taking her on ... eventually.

Taco, the point is, even if the OP should have cleared the cat litter without changing out of her suit, it isn't up to the sister or you or anyone to call her on it. She isn't an employee hired to mind the cat. It is her house, her cat, her decision and the world and his sister doesn't get to give a review.

Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 01/09/2018 21:26

pallisers I know I normally speak my mind and it's been driving me crazy not saying anything. I haven't said anything because it's very clear that mentally (as well as physically) she is really sick. If I responded to her she would be back in hospital with another relapse and be blaming me.

I have normally done my own cleaning and cooking and hired the housekeeper and PT cooking help this summer because DH insisted we hire the help. I'm really happy we hired help but it doesn't mean there isn't housework or cooking to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Want2bSupermum · 01/09/2018 21:27

DH comes from a family which is very working class. Mine is middle upper. DH and I are middle upper. She is on disability so not working. When she did work it was in a cafe.

OP posts:
TacoFriday · 01/09/2018 22:52

Whatevs. It reads like the OP was picturing herself as a character from sex and the city 3 and to me it reads like complete embellishment and BS. Now with the class stuff, yawn. It’s a public forum on the internet, why on earth would I get upset at what she writes? I just don’t buy the embellished crap.

pastaandpestoagain · 01/09/2018 22:55

I have seen OP on posts for a long time, if she is leading a fantasy life, it's very well researched and long standing !

Havaina · 01/09/2018 23:34

Taco you sound a bit jealous.

And you're guilty of embellishment when you said OP has foisted her kids on SIL in every example she gave. The only example OP gave was asking her SIL to take her dd to art class and OP took it gracefully when SIL objected, saying it's ok, the babysitter would take her.

I'm sure you'll make a snappy 'whatevs' comeback to this post too. 🙄

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/09/2018 23:42

Whatevs. It reads like the OP was picturing herself as a character from sex and the city 3 and to me it reads like complete embellishment and BS. Now with the class stuff, yawn. It’s a public forum on the internet, why on earth would I get upset at what she writes? I just don’t buy the embellished crap.

Awww, look at you all contorted, trying desperately to find a way to blame then mouth off at the OP. It's pathetic.