DD1's boyfriend is staying over, but DD2 doesn't want him to. Who 'wins'?

[namechangingforthis18]

DD1 is in her early 20s and just finished uni and lives in a flat-type place, but she comes home when she has time off work. She currently has 2 weeks off, so has come home.

DD2 is going into her 2nd year of uni and lives at home (commutes).

DD1 has known her boyfriend for a few months and he lives closer to our house than her flat-type place, so they have spent a lot of time together. One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here and I said yes (I have met him and he's lovely).

DD2 hasn't met him yet and doesn't really want to, there isn't a particular reason (doesn't really give one) and has said she won't feel comfortable with him here, she doesn't know him and if she needs to walk to the bathroom, go downstairs, has asked if he'll be around and we said well yes, maybe. She has decided she isn't comfy with that and will be booking to stay in a hotel but likes to add "it should really be them booking into a hotel".

I'm undecided really. I still think if she has a problem and I and her dad do not, she should be the one to sort herself out.

She has social anxiety so that's why she's a bit iffy about meeting him, there's no untoward reason.

Thanks.

DD2 is being ridiculous.

If she wants to waste money on paying for herself to stay in a hotel, that’s her own lookout. Does she do that when anyone new comes in the house?

Is she jealous?

It's your house so you decide who gets to stay. But you could discuss some ground rules to make things more comfortable for your younger DD. Plus it's only one night.

DD2 needs to grow up. It's not as if DD1's bf will be walking round naked!

I can see both sides. Your DD1 should feel comfortable inviting her boyfriend to stay with you if you're happy to have him stay. You've already met him and are ok with him. It makes logistical sense for him to stay over with you given the early start.

On the other hand, your DD2 has social anxiety, hasn't met this man and has had no say in him staying in her home. It would have been better if she had met him first and knew him before being expected to meet him in her home. Your DD1 has her own place where he could happily stay over without any issue. Your DD2 shipping out to a hotel is an extreme reaction though, she must be very unhappy about this.

Does DD1 know how anxious DD2 is around strangers?

I think DD2 should "win". Its her house, and with social anxiety that makes it her safe place. I have social anxiety too and absolutely hate having anyone at my house, even if I adore them, for more than a few hours and especially overnight. Its only a matter of convenience for DD1, and I dont think that wins out over DD2 feeling safe.

Dd2 is being ridiculous. I thought you were going to say she is much younger then she is.

Assuming DD1 & DD2 don't share a room at your place and you have adequate room for the boyfriend to stay then DD2 is being unreasonable

Does dd2 take umbridge to all guests? Does she have friends sleep over?

Dd2 ‘wins’. It’s her home and she should feel safe and comfortable. I’d hate to have a strange man wondering around, even if it was my dsis’ boyfriend. If DD1 would like him to sleep over, it would be reasonable to let DD2 meet him a few times first.

Won't DD2 be anxious about the strangers she will inevitably encounter at a hotel?

DD2 is being unreasonable, she has the option to meet him beforehand (seeing as you have) so I don't accept that as a sensible argument for her being uncomfortable. It's only one day, she can put up with it.

Can’t DD2 go and stay at DD1s flat for the night?

Could a compromise be reached? Could she meet him first on neutral territory so she feels a bit more comfortable? Perhaps some ground rules about him using the bathroom at x time and being dressed when he leaves his room. Seems a bit odd to stay in hotel surrounded by strangers to avoid one person when you have social anxiety.

Unless DD2 pays rent she doesn't get to choose who you invite to stay in your house. If yor DD1 is in a relationship then it is perfectly normal that her DP comes to stay when she does.

I used to do what DD2 is doing when my sister had my now BIL staying over at my parents' house because I got bitched at for being rude if I stayed in my room and avoided him. It's horrible to be stuck with a stranger in your home when you're not comfortable around strangers in the first place.

Won't DD2 be anxious about the strangers she will inevitably encounter at a hotel?

Maybe I go to strange hotels but I never had to share a bathroom with strangers or sit down for meals with them or make small talk or pretend to be happy to see them. Completely different thing.

I think DD2 should meet him in person before he stays over. I would say that her right to feel comfortable in her own home trumps DD1s right to have her bf over. However I think that she should make an effort to overcome this by meeting him etc. She could meet him for 15 minutes or something first. Is there potentially jealousy issue?

Presumably in a hotel she's got private use of a bedroom and bathroom, not sharing a bathroom with other hotel patrons. Once checked in she doesn't have to see anyone unless it's on her terms.

Dd2 is going into her 2nd year at uni and commutes so deals with meeting people everyday.

It is a person her sister has met and has a relationship with. She will have to learn to deal with meeting him. Why shoukd DD1 not be allowed to.live a normal life

Equally why should DD1 pay no consideration at all to DD2?

Dd2 is being ridiculous. At uni she meets new ppl everyday....

Are there any plans in place to help DD2 deal with her anxiety? This seems to me like the most pressing issue. It isn't a case of "winning" and "losing", but a case of working out how everyone can feel at ease and safe in their home. That means DD1 being able to have people over, and DD2 being comfortable too. Those are both totally reasonable needs.

Would DD2 be more comfortable if she had meet DD1's boyfriend before, and there were ground rules in place about wandering about in pjs etc.?

I think you are enabling DD2 by avoiding her triggers. Would it help to meet him beforehand?

Dd2 is using ‘social anxiety’ as an excuse to undermine you and make her sisters life as difficult as possible.

In dd2's home sounds like a great place to start tackling her issues imo.
The great wide world after uni is full of strangers!

Social anxiety isn't necessarily about being anxious/afraid interacting with every person, or even every new person. I'm absolutely fine going to hotels. The receptionists and staff are there in a professional capacity, which I find way easier to deal with, and I dont have to talk to anyone else. Similarly at uni, I interact with my safe group of friends, and everyone else I interact with in a professional type way. Its definitely not the same as having someone you don't know, or don't know very well, staying overnight in your house.