DD1's boyfriend is staying over, but DD2 doesn't want him to. Who 'wins'?

[namechangingforthis18]

DD1 is in her early 20s and just finished uni and lives in a flat-type place, but she comes home when she has time off work. She currently has 2 weeks off, so has come home.

DD2 is going into her 2nd year of uni and lives at home (commutes).

DD1 has known her boyfriend for a few months and he lives closer to our house than her flat-type place, so they have spent a lot of time together. One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here and I said yes (I have met him and he's lovely).

DD2 hasn't met him yet and doesn't really want to, there isn't a particular reason (doesn't really give one) and has said she won't feel comfortable with him here, she doesn't know him and if she needs to walk to the bathroom, go downstairs, has asked if he'll be around and we said well yes, maybe. She has decided she isn't comfy with that and will be booking to stay in a hotel but likes to add "it should really be them booking into a hotel".

I'm undecided really. I still think if she has a problem and I and her dad do not, she should be the one to sort herself out.

She has social anxiety so that's why she's a bit iffy about meeting him, there's no untoward reason.

Thanks.

If she wants to waste money on a hotel then let her do so.
She's using the 'it should be them' to try and make you feel guilty and it's working! Not on.
Why should it be DD1 and her BF booking into a hotel? She's not allowed to bring her BF home to mum because her little sister is throwing a strop?
No.
She doesn't get to make the rules under someone else's roof.

I'd sit them down together and explain you don't think it's fair that dd1 has her life affected by dd2s demands. But what could be done to make it easier and be led by dd2s suggestions?

She could very well be jealous. Her sister having a boyfriend is at total odds with where she is with her life and maybe its something she would like. It could also just be severe anxiety but then how is staying in a hotel with a bunch of strangers any better?

Funny how people who have a terrible attitude to mental health are generally those who are relaying experience of their own illnesses? And no one is saying the anxiety doesn't exist but it's being used as a tool to get her own way! And by giving in to her then dd2s anxiety is going to have a negative impact on dd1 which could easily lead dd1 to feel 'less important' and tgats not fair. The only way I can deal with my anxiety is to listen to my internal dialogue and understand that it's all based on irrational fear and if im uncomfortable I won't die! The more I prove this to myself the better I get at controlling it rather than feeding into it and making it bigger and bigger to the point it becomes unmanageable

Does DD2 know the boyfriends name of anything? Is there a possibility they know each other from other circles and she doesn’t want to bump into him? Just a thought

Well I don't feel the need to write about DD2's mental health history online, but when you almost lose a child to mental health it's extremely difficult. When you walk in on her at 15, unconscious, there is no way to explain that feeling. When you have her crying and crying, throwing up in the bathroom because her anxiety is so bad but she can't explain why which causes her anxiety to build even more.

I've never suffered with actual anxiety (of course we all get normal anxiety from time to time) but seeing my daughter, she can never give a reason, it's not about she's scared of him walking in, but just the thought of the situation makes her so panicked to the point she will be physically sick.

She doesn't live a normal uni life, there are so many systems in place for her (can't knock the uni, have been super helpful). To the people saying she won't book into a hotel, she will. It's sad, but she will. I don't understand the with strangers comment, she will be in her own room, you book in via a computer in reception. She is able to be around people, like I say, I can't explain parts of her anxiety but it's very very real for her.

I don't want to write about when she was 15 and the very personal things around it, but the amount of times she's told me I'm the only thing that's kept her alive to this day, it's difficult to not want to help her in the best way.

This very much will now probably be a "oh poor DD1, clearly coming 2nd because if it upsets DD2 it's not allowed to happen" and no, that isn't true. I've done everything I can to keep both of my girls happy. I like to think I did a good job. DD2 loves coming home and spending time with us. Now she has a boyfriend, she cares less to do so, but I know that's normal and part of growing up.

They both get on well and do talk. DD1 has never understood DD2's problems very well, but they still get on well.

I want to make sure DD1 feels very welcome at home still but of course I don't want to deliberately upset DD2.

Knowing DD2's history and general advice I had from CAMHS and her psychiatrist at the time, shoving things that make her so anxious at her, will not cure her anxiety. The things that actually made her feel that way were tried to be removed from her life. One point she couldn't go to school for 3 months, I was told by the professionals, if that will keep her alive, it's what we have to do for now. I will never forget that. Of course it wasn't the long term solution, but there's a specific way they sort it out, I'm not to sure how but they do do it.

I think the solution is letting DD1's boyfriend stay, but supporting DD2 to go to the hotel.

Thanks for all the helpful replies. Not so thankful for the "she must be 20, but acting 12".

I appreciate how difficult this situation is as I have a younger sister who we have almost lost to mental health problems. I have a husband and children and have had that awful feeling of wondering whether I can go home for Christmas or not because I don't know whether my sister will cope with having my family there. It's so sad for my parents too - the idea that they can't have their grandchildren stay at their house because they have a 30 year old living at home who can't cope with having other people in the house. So far we've always just about managed but there have been a couple of occasions when I've had to suddenly pack up the children and leave because my sister wasn't coping. It's such a tough situation.

I'm very sorry you've been through all that, OP.

AIUI now, your dd2 is stable-ish, no longer suicidal (thank goodness)? Then it's now that the long-term solutions (which - you are right - keeping things away from her aren't) have to be tried. If she wants to go to a hotel, that is her decision - she shouldn't be 'forced' or put under pressure to be at home that day. But her comment that it should have been dd1 and boyfriend checking into a hotel did concern me. It indicates that she is used to, and expects, accommodations to be put in place around her, to the extent of affecting other family members' normal lives. What should (IMO - and E of adverse mental health myself, FWIW) be happening here is that her decision to avoid the situation/go to a hotel is of course accepted, but that it's made clear to her that the rest of the family is going to go about their normal lives - and having people to stay is part of that. Put simplistically (perhaps too simplistically for your taste), if her condition always affects others' lives rather than hers, she has no incentive to keep working on it.

OP, you are clearly a loving and thoughtful parent. But you should not ‘support’ DD2 going to a hotel. It will not benefit either of your children.

If DD2 stays at a hotel, how will DD1&BF feel? They may be pleased that you wanted to have them but they won’t be back next week. Too much fuss and drama, they will think, and start pulling away from you and your DH a bit, widening the gap.

You can’t stop DD2 but you can tell her that you won’t validate the feelings of insecurity. Having someone to stay is a normal part of life. You must be free to make that decision without consulting her (except in cases of exam time or illness etc).

I agree with AnElderlyLady above, your DD2’s assumption that other people should fit around her and they should go to a hotel is a concern for your whole family.

You win. It’s your house, you decide. DD2 needs to deal with her anxiety not be indulged.
I say this as someone who had it, but I got rreatment and now manage it.

Surely as time goes on DD1 and a partner staying will become a necessity for family events eg. Christmas? What is DD2 going to do then? Decide how the rest of the family spends their time together?

Depends if you want DD2 to have social anxiety all her life really or push her a bit to become more confident and get over it.

Sorry, I reacted to the first post and have now read all the issues you've had with DD2, so can understand your caution.

I would say though that in future please put all this in the first post instead of drip feeding, and maybe post in the appropriate topic, and you will get more helpful responses.

DD2 going to a hotel is a good solution.

Anxiety is awful and our natural impulse is to avoid it because it's so horrible and frightening. She's not ready to face this challenge yet and that's okay as she's found a solution for this time.

It wouldn't be a solution for you as a family to not have overnight guests as that impacts on other people and wouldn't, in the long run, be helpful for your DD with anxiety.

Presumably if DD2 expects to be accommodated in this manner and basically put a veto on any friends/family staying over she'll be quite happy to have the same restrictions put on her when the time comes that she is ready to have a boyfriend/friends to stay. Somehow I think not.

Of course you need to work around her issues but you need to do so in a way that means the rest of the family can live normal lives, and she needs to understand how important that is.

And as the for those suggesting DD1 shouldn't be treating her family home as her home, that's just awful. I don't even get on that well with my parents but I know that there's a home for me with them if I need it however old I am, and hope my daughters will always see my house as a home for them, whether they need it or not. What cold families some of you must have.

Is there perhaps a compromise here? Could you offer to pay for DD1 and her BF to stay in a hotel if DD2 would agree to a family meal and to meet the BF? I’d be more concerned about her refusing to meet the new BF than the overnight stay as that is going to have far more lasting implications in family dynamics. DD2’s mental health sounds quite severe so it does seem a bit unfair to expect her to tolerate a stranger staying in her home. However I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to make efforts to get to know the BF so then he isn’t a stranger if DD1 wants to bring him home in future.

@actualpuffins not a drip feed at all, I clearly said she had social anxiety. You decided to take that as not very serious and something she can get over. This is also in chat... I don't want this to stay on the internet forever. Can't think which topic would be better for that...

@QuoadUltra why would I not support her in going to a hotel? I don't know what that would achieve.

There has been no drama, so DD1 and boyfriend won't think that. They won't be back next week anyway, DD1 lives in the town she went to uni at, she comes home when she has time off work, her boyfriend never stays here.

OP - chat is staying forever now. MNHQ have a thread on the change. Maybe ask them to move it to 30 days only.

Considered how this will appear to your DD1’s BF.

You might think that is none of your concern but actually he is more of an influence on DD1’s life and view than you are now she is in an adult relationship. He will view them coming to stay as a hassle to you and disruptive. However welcoming you intend to be, of them coming to stay has cost someone a hotel for the night, he is not going to find it easy.

Have any non-immediate family stayed over recently, or even for a meal/visit? Or when was the last time someone else came to the house? Just wondering if this would help following this visit as pp have said for some form of graded exposure?

Poor Dd2. But I also feel sorry for Dd1.

It’s very likely that dd2 will have to accommodate either this boyfriend or another long term partner for your dd1.

It is probably a good idea to arrange for dd2 to meet the boyfriend and start getting comfortable with him being around.