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Original poster

DD1's boyfriend is staying over, but DD2 doesn't want him to. Who 'wins'?

145 replies

namechangingforthis18 · 20/08/2018 12:00

DD1 is in her early 20s and just finished uni and lives in a flat-type place, but she comes home when she has time off work. She currently has 2 weeks off, so has come home.

DD2 is going into her 2nd year of uni and lives at home (commutes).

DD1 has known her boyfriend for a few months and he lives closer to our house than her flat-type place, so they have spent a lot of time together. One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here and I said yes (I have met him and he's lovely).

DD2 hasn't met him yet and doesn't really want to, there isn't a particular reason (doesn't really give one) and has said she won't feel comfortable with him here, she doesn't know him and if she needs to walk to the bathroom, go downstairs, has asked if he'll be around and we said well yes, maybe. She has decided she isn't comfy with that and will be booking to stay in a hotel but likes to add "it should really be them booking into a hotel".

I'm undecided really. I still think if she has a problem and I and her dad do not, she should be the one to sort herself out.

She has social anxiety so that's why she's a bit iffy about meeting him, there's no untoward reason.

Thanks.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/08/2018 14:46

'I think she's being jealous anyway not socially anxious. That's an excuse.'

Actually, Twistella, that went through my mind. It feels as if there's something here about her wanting to limit her sister's life to the same extent her own feels limited. Or it's about her sister having a boyfriend.

Original poster
namechangingforthis18 · 20/08/2018 14:48

I appreciate all comments and don't want to side with either of my daughters but it harsh to say her anxiety is an excuse, I've seen the struggles she has had with anxiety since she was 11 and it's been quite difficult throughout her teens, etc.

DD1's boyfriend is staying, I've already said he can. I just wanted to double check I wasn't outnumbered with my opinion.

DD2 obviously doesn't expect her sister to pay for the hotel.

DD1 lives in a rented place, it's not quite a flat, but she has moved out, although yes, this is her 'home' and she still has a room here.

Hard all around.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 20/08/2018 15:22

Umbridge ha ha haGrin

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Families
LayOfTheLand · 20/08/2018 16:07

I'm with those who say this is a good opportunity for DD2 to be exposed to what makes her anxious and would be good. It's not reasonable for her anxiety to excessively limit the lives of those around her.

LemonysSnicket · 20/08/2018 16:17

DD2 needs to grow some resilience and get used to dealing with other people. she's being selfish and ludicrous

LemonysSnicket · 20/08/2018 16:17

Also she's what? 20? She's acting like she's 12

BackToTheFuschia7 · 20/08/2018 16:34

Some of the attitudes to mental health on here are revolting Shock Hmm

FWIW, CBT isn’t about throwing yourself into situations that make you anxious. You map out a hierarchy and gradually work your exposure up to your most frightening situations. All while guided by a professional and slowly building your confidence with the challenges lower down the hierarchy first. The fact DD2 is leaving the home and booking herself into a hotel to avoid it, indicates it’s a pretty scary situation for her.

Twistella · 20/08/2018 16:42

FWIW, CBT isn’t about throwing yourself into situations that make you anxious

No its about controlled exposure, this sounds a perfect opportunity to learn that nothing bad will happen if a family friend visits your house.

Twistella · 20/08/2018 16:45

And I've had CBT with success for a debilitating phobia before you start mouthing off about people's attitudes to mental health

My brother is an ex drug addict with lots of phobias and anxiety. He lives with my parents. If they did what he demands they'd have a bloody miserable life. Like the op, they look after him and he lives at home but sometimes they have to do things he doesn't like, including having friends over, otherwise their quality of life would be utterly shit.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 20/08/2018 16:51

How do you know it’s the perfect opportunity without knowing what the OPs daughter is struggling with and where a situation like this ranks for her?

As for your second post about ‘mouthing off’. Vile.

shumway · 20/08/2018 16:52

I agree with @BackToTheFuschia7. Telling someone they're being silly and to just get over it is so unhelpful. This thread is making me sad how misunderstood mental health conditions can be.

Twistella · 20/08/2018 16:59

Yes, mouthing off and accusing people of having no understanding. You have a different opinion, you aren't right. I'll bet that every one on here has experience of RL mental health issues. Don't be so judgemental.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 20/08/2018 17:08

U ok hun?

What a bizarre post.

Rosemary46 · 20/08/2018 17:09

Can you work on a compromise, like DDS having her meals in her room so she doesn’t have to make small talk with this man ?

And work out a time for bathroom use in the morning ? If DD1 and Bf are going on a day out then won’t they will be up early and away before DD2 gets up ?

RubiksQueen · 20/08/2018 17:12

I don't understand this concept that once you leave the family home in any way it's no longer 'your home'. When I went to uni I lived away but my shitty student bedroom didn't become 'my proper home', it was just where I lived for uni. My parents would have been gutted if I had announced I didn't see their house as home any more and I know I will always be welcome there as will all my siblings.

All the people saying 'she doesn't live there any more' - I know some peoples' parents throw them out without a backward glance at 16 or 18 or whatever but in real life, MOST people's parents don't do that. There is a staggered 'moving out' where their university-aged children come home in the holidays etc. You don't stop being your parents' child just because you go to uni a distance away. If DD1 had stayed home for Uni would that mean she would never be allowed friends over or a boyfriend over because of DD2? I think that's extraordinarily limiting and hard on DD1.

DD2 is running the risk of ruining her relationship with her sister.

Jaxhog · 20/08/2018 17:17

As it isn't essential that DD1s BF stays over, I'd go with making DD2's life comfortable. She doesn't have another home to go to, your DD1 and the BF do.

What does DD1 think about this? Would she really drive her sister out of her own house to a hotel just for a bit of convenience for herself? Not very sisterly.

ashtrayheart · 20/08/2018 17:22

My ds(high functioning autism with ocd and social anxiety) used to just stay out of the way when dsd occasionally had her boyfriend to stay. I can't see that your dd2 and dd1's boyfriend will have much to do with each other anyway. I don't think you are being unreasonable saying that the bf can stay for one night.

Floralnomad · 20/08/2018 17:32

Those people saying it will do her good to face up to her anxiety obviously have very little understanding of mental health issues or how to deal with them , would you tell someone with depression to just cheer up . Unless the OP has enough ensuites for her younger dd to not risk bumping into someone she doesn’t know on the landing I can fully appreciate how she would rather stay in a hotel and I genuinely hope that some of the posters on here never have a child with mental health issues ( it’s hard )

Ariela · 20/08/2018 17:32

I would just find out what specifically is worrying DD2 eg lack of lock on her bedroom door/worrying about clashing for the bathroom etc and see what can be done to work together to make the bf visit OK for her.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/08/2018 17:37

Another aspect of this is that if dd2 'wins' this time, it sets a massive precedent. You will in effect be handing her a veto on any visitor, in perpetuity (and I am guessing her anxiety may mean she stays living with you for longer than may otherwise be the case), because she will always be able to (and she will) say 'But you didn't let George stay that time, why do you expect me to cope with Rob and Belinda?' And it'll be hard for you to answer that. I am also guessing dd1 may have missed out on a few things because of her sister, or had to fight for some of them, if this has been a long-term issue. I do think it's best to start as you mean to go on.

midgesforever · 20/08/2018 17:39

I am sure having a dc with mental health issues is hard, for dsis 1 as well as the parents. Asking dsis2 for specific concerns and trying to work round them makes sense but family life is built on compromise. Having people to stay is a normal part of family life for all family members.

Onthebrink87 · 20/08/2018 17:57

Ive siffered with panic disorder and social anxiety for years. I also as a pp said thi k that dd2 is using it to manipulate and get her own way. If you let her 'win' she will get worse at insisting her rules are the house rules!

Onthebrink87 · 20/08/2018 18:03

And people can and do suffer from genuine mental health issues but still use their diagnosis to manipulate people into getting their own way (Not all - some! I know of 2 myself) I would personally see the hotel comment as a flounce and would be surprised if it happened.

Onthebrink87 · 20/08/2018 18:09

And sorry to bang on but even if it was because of her anxiety, by saying he can't stay would be validating her irrational thoughts. It may be uncomfortable (Not hell) but she has to learn to understand what is and isn't rational or she will never learn to cope with her illness. You would in effect be saying 'yes that strange man staying may be risky I will say no' so the thought of such a thing will get bigger and bigger and will have a negative effect on the long run

EvaHarknessRose · 20/08/2018 18:10

Ask dd2 to discuss it with her therapist.

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