DD1's boyfriend is staying over, but DD2 doesn't want him to. Who 'wins'?

[namechangingforthis18]

DD1 is in her early 20s and just finished uni and lives in a flat-type place, but she comes home when she has time off work. She currently has 2 weeks off, so has come home.

DD2 is going into her 2nd year of uni and lives at home (commutes).

DD1 has known her boyfriend for a few months and he lives closer to our house than her flat-type place, so they have spent a lot of time together. One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here and I said yes (I have met him and he's lovely).

DD2 hasn't met him yet and doesn't really want to, there isn't a particular reason (doesn't really give one) and has said she won't feel comfortable with him here, she doesn't know him and if she needs to walk to the bathroom, go downstairs, has asked if he'll be around and we said well yes, maybe. She has decided she isn't comfy with that and will be booking to stay in a hotel but likes to add "it should really be them booking into a hotel".

I'm undecided really. I still think if she has a problem and I and her dad do not, she should be the one to sort herself out.

She has social anxiety so that's why she's a bit iffy about meeting him, there's no untoward reason.

Thanks.

DD2 doesn't have friends over, no. She has friends at uni, but doesn't ever meet up with them. I'm unsure how her anxiety works, I try to understand. She has CBT therapy weekly, so I can't agree with it being an excuse but I'm not sure, it's difficult.

Both DDs actually get on well, so I can't imagine either are trying to annoy each other.

I know that it's my rules and that's fine, but I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing.

DD2 will genuinely book herself into a hotel and it just made me feel a bit sad, so wanted to double check.

Poor DD2. She doesn't want to have to listen to her DSis and new boyfriend shagging, or to bump into a total stranger in the middle of the night and all of you lot think she is being unreasonable.

No mention of a supposedly independent young woman using her parents home at her own convenience, regardless of the opinions of those who live there full time!

OP has been told that until DD2 pays rent she can't have an opinion, but no mention of DD1 using 'home' for an easier life, presumably not paying rent. Now she wants her new boyfriend to stay over, for her own convenience, and no one thinks DD1 may have a point about it being a bit uncomfortable (even if they don't have sex) having an unknown male in the house!

Another one of those "Only on MN" things, I think!

DD2 will genuinely book herself into a hotel and it just made me feel a bit sad Ye gods!

And you don't think that DD1 should now be living her life in her own home and not pressurising DD2 (deliberately or incidentally) just because she wants her love life to be a bit more convenient?

He's only an unknown male because DD2 hasn't made any attempt to meet him or get to know him. He's been on the scene a while and she deliberately has avoided getting to know him. Now the consequence is he's a stranger to her. But that was her choice. Looks like she doesn't want to ever meet him either so expect this dance to continue.

DD2 is being unreasonable but if she wants to waste her £ on a hotel that's up to her (as long as she doesn't think you will pay for it).
When she has her own house she can choose who she has to stay.
As PP suggested why not DD2 stay in DD1 flat?

Have you asked her what makes her anxious about this visit, and if there is anything you can do to make it possible for her to stay?

Does she have any friend she can stay with, not uni mates, but from school or wherever? If you could get her to be around when her sister and the boyfriend arrive, then she will at least meet him, have a cup of tea with them, and then can go and stay elsewhere.

DD2 is being irrational, which is understandable due to her Social Anxiety.

What would DD2 need to happen to feel less anxious?

I'm thinking perhaps meeting BF first, having some ground rules about being fully clothed etc - but really it is up to DD2 to articulate what would work for her. If she is having CBT could she work through some scenarios at her next session?

This approach will benefit DD2 and stop the rest of the family being held to ransom!

Most people move out when they go to university.

If DD2 had moved out, her flatmates would have had random people over ALL the time. One night stands. People that might be a bit dodgy. Who the hell knows who. She's chosen to stay at home, so she won't be exposed to that, but similarly it is completely unreasonable to expect all other members of a household to stop living their lives because of one person's condition.

There could conceivably be a very real situation where DD1 and her BF get married, and come and stay - but that would be 'unacceptable'? Or DD1 and BF have a baby and the three of them come to stay as a family - but that would be 'unacceptable'?

I have had bad anxiety in the past and mollycoddling such as she's asking for would have got me nowhere. She needs to be putting herself in uncomfortable situations to grow confidence and see for herself that they are actually not so scary. She shouldn't be letting her world grow smaller and smaller - not even being able to have her sister's boyfriend in her home will be a part of that.

This - and not living your normal lives such as having the bf over, is enabling her.

And if she really can't take it, then the hotel is a good option. She wouldn't be allowing her anxieties to impact on others, as another pp said.

Also agree with PP about the not pandering to the anxieties. Everything I've ever read says be sympathetic but don't give in to the 'problem' as the world gets smaller and smaller for the sufferer.

She needs to learn to cope with people being around. I don't love people coming to stay with me BUT I recognise there's a difference between my siblings' partners and a random friend or acquaintance.

If she's having CBT, this would be a great opportunity for her to have limited exposure to what scares her (and it is limited - it's one night) and try out her coping strategies.

Having guests to stay is a normal part of life. Your dd2 doesn't get to demand her family give up normal parts of their lives in order to enable her anxiety and it would also be doing her no favours.

Will she be seeing her therapist before the visit? She should discuss this with him/her.

Dd2 needs to realise she cant stop dd1 or indeed you or dh having people over because she is uncomfortable and doesnt want them there. Her wishes dont overrule everyone elses

Is there a middle ground to be reached?

DD2 meets BF first?

it is completely unreasonable to expect all other members of a household to stop living their lives because of one person's condition.

^Yup

Don't enable her further let her go to hotel if she's going to be that awkward
What If their relationship continues? When will she deem it suitable to meet him? On their wedding day?

Speaking as someone with an anxiety disorder myself, it is weird having someone new in your home. However, I do think it's a bit silly to expect her sister to get a hotel with her bf when she has been offered free accommodation for one night at your house.
I think what needs to happen is have a private conversation with DD2. Tell her you would like to understand it a bit more and is there any way they could use this situation to help her. Make sure she knows you're not annoyed or anything, you realise this is her natural reaction but part of CBT is (from my experience) putting yourself in mildly anxiety-inducing situations and learning from them. Perhaps she could talk to her therapist about this situation and see if they think it's a good idea for her?
I don't think a hotel is really a good idea for the same reasons she would be uncomfortable having her sisters boyfriend in the same house... and then you can't be there to help if it goes wrong.

^ agree, this is exactly what CBT is for. I have had it for my anxiety in the past, and it really really helped me being able to talk about situations before they happened, discuss my worst fears for them, and agree with my therapist on how I was going to act. I felt so much safer in these situations knowing that I had already been able to look that anxiety in the face (as it were), discover its source, explore its limits and how I might control it.

I know that social anxiety is so, so hard but your DD2 can't let it control her life, and definitely not the lives of her family members. This time she might have to check into a hotel, and if she does that's OK, but that doesn't exclude also acknowledging that that's a slightly irrational response in the circumstances - it's also sad, since it excludes her from what might be a really pleasant experience. After this she could start moving towards dealing with her fears one little bit at a time. I totally get that it's hard to feel safe and secure in this world, but otoh the world is not always going to bend for her, and she needs to find things to help her function in it, and enjoy it. This includes giving herself permission to withdraw from it sometimes, but that should be an act of considered self-care rather than a kneejerk flight response.

Unless your daughters sleep in the same room, DD2 is being absurd.

Other people's lives should not be halted because of her problems.

By the way, I assume DD2 doesn't have a boyfriend. Might that have something to do with her refusal to meet her sister's BF?

It's just hard as her mother. Of course her problems shouldn't dictate other's lives. But when you are her mum it's hard to have that view.

Just want them both happy.

She definitely doesn't want a boyfriend (has been invited on dates but declines) so definitely not jealousy.

She didn't move away to uni because of her anxiety, so yes, she isn't used to the uni life.

I think your dd2 is being controlling and unreasonable.

She's willing to spend a night with complete strangers in a hotel??

The poor bf 'Where's your sister?' "oh she's paid for a hotel in case she has to meet you"

Ridiculous

It's fine for her to have social anxiety but not fine that others have to suffer because of it. She needs to learn that she doesn't have to be in control of her environment and the world won't fall in.

She can wear earplugs if she doesn't want to hear shagging.

DD2 is having CBT, so the chances are this is a very real problem...and well done her for getting help! I suspect that going from 'never met' to DD1's bf staying over is just too big a step. DD2 needs to work towards meeting the bf, that's a discussion for her to have with her therapist.

I feel sad for DD2; depending on how severe her issues are she may be working hard day after day at uni, for her to feel she has to leave her sanctuary must be unpleasant. Had she not been having treatment I would possibly be a bit less sympathetic, the therapeutic process can be emotionally brutal.

Did you talk to her about her anxiety and what could be done to help her feel able to deal with this?