DD1's boyfriend is staying over, but DD2 doesn't want him to. Who 'wins'?

[namechangingforthis18]

DD1 is in her early 20s and just finished uni and lives in a flat-type place, but she comes home when she has time off work. She currently has 2 weeks off, so has come home.

DD2 is going into her 2nd year of uni and lives at home (commutes).

DD1 has known her boyfriend for a few months and he lives closer to our house than her flat-type place, so they have spent a lot of time together. One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here and I said yes (I have met him and he's lovely).

DD2 hasn't met him yet and doesn't really want to, there isn't a particular reason (doesn't really give one) and has said she won't feel comfortable with him here, she doesn't know him and if she needs to walk to the bathroom, go downstairs, has asked if he'll be around and we said well yes, maybe. She has decided she isn't comfy with that and will be booking to stay in a hotel but likes to add "it should really be them booking into a hotel".

I'm undecided really. I still think if she has a problem and I and her dad do not, she should be the one to sort herself out.

She has social anxiety so that's why she's a bit iffy about meeting him, there's no untoward reason.

Thanks.

I can sympathise with DD2 - I'm a fairly anxious person and would probably worry about using the bathroom and feel I couldn't wander around in PJ's etc. That said that's just what happens in shared houses. It's fair that she discusses it with her sister so that DD1 can help DD2 feel more comfortable but I don't think banning an adult from having her partner to stay is a good solution.

I think you're overthinking this. It's your house and your guest policy. You are fine with the bf staying. Your dd2 has therefore opted to fund herself an alternative for the night, so problem solved. I think it's healthy for adult DC to be aware they can live any way they choose if they can fund it but mum and dad's house means accepting and dad's rules and choices.

I wouldn't give it oxygen or fuss about it at all. He's staying, like any friend would stay.

I know she has social anxiety, but this is ridiculous. She'll be in a safe environment, it'll be good for her.

DD2 needs to accept this.

It's your house - and you have allowed DD1's boyfriend to stay over.

It's only for one night.

If DD2 had stayed in halls at uni she would have had to share with plenty of strangers.

dd2 needs to tackle her social anxiety - in the long run pandering to this will not help her and I say that as someone who has experienced anxiety.

her sisters boyfriend is probably going to be one of the easier people to meet of all the people she will have to deal with in her life!

she probably wont even see him that much!

Surely it doesn’t need to be said that DD2 seeing people at uni is completely different to having an unknown person in her home, the one place you should always feel relaxed and safe?

Why will it be good for her?

Will she be ‘fixed’ by the next morning?

If you're lucky then Dd2 will presumably move out soon, and this won't be an ongoing problem.

Sounds like really quite extreme anxiety - has DD2 got any help for this?

One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here

Realistically, if they’re going to be up and out early, not many of the things she worries about will affect her, surely? She can just avoid coming out of her room for the short time he’s there?

*Why will it be good for her?

Will she be ‘fixed’ by the next morning?*

of course not but better to face it than live with crippling anxiety for the rest of your life.

How does DD1 feel about her sister feeling so uncomfortable she has to check into a hotel for the night?

If she doesn't give a crap, then I'd be more inclined to support DD2, TBH. It's not actually DD1's home anymore; it's DD2's.

Honestly, I think DD2 is being silly. Maybe she could meet him first, but other than that I think she needs to get over it a bit. Surely you've had house guests before?!

‘It should be them booking into a hotel” really sums it up. She won’t meet him and progress their relationship behond that of strangers but expects everyone to arrange their lives around her. It’s DD1s home as well - she s coming back at every opportunity and clearly sees her flat( share ? ) as a functional place to operate from, not a home.

Call her bluff, let her book into a hotel.

I would be your DD2 in this situation but I would also be aware I was unreasonable.

Also, your DD2 is an adult now. The management of her anxiety is down to her, not for those around her to constrict their lives to prevent, which is impractical and probably unhelpful. If she wants a home where she can strictly control who comes and stays, then it's probably time for her to find - and fund - her own.

Honestly OP, just leave it. You've made your choice and so has your DD2, she isn't holding you to ransom.

If DD2 has social anxiety you should not consider having anyone to stay without her consent. It will be absolute hell for her!

They are both adults. It is your home. You have said you are happy for him to stay. If DD2 has social anxiety that means she really can't deal with it and is happy to make personal arrangements to stay in a hotel at her own cost then I think you have to let it roll. She is being unreasonable to try and guilt you with her comments that it should be them staying in the hotel...why? They are both your daughters, she does not get top trumps there. What happens if DD1 ends up marrying this guy, does she still want him excluded. Totally unreasonable.

She needs to be an adult and take responsibility for tackling the anxiety, she can not expect people to bend over backwards in their own home to ensure she is never put in a situation she is uncomfortable with.

Feel for you though OP, hard to make the choice, but try to not see this as one of them winning, and more just making the decision over what is a perfectly reasonable request from your DD1.

You've said he can stay, if dd2 isnt happy with that then let her book the hotel, shes an adult and can sort it out herself.

DD2 is being a dick. Presumably you have never ever had a guest over before? If so has she had to leave the house when said guest is over?

They are both adults who live at home. If she wants to sleep in a hotel then so be it.

I'd let the boyfriend stay

I have had bad anxiety in the past and mollycoddling such as she's asking for would have got me nowhere. She needs to be putting herself in uncomfortable situations to grow confidence and see for herself that they are actually not so scary. She shouldn't be letting her world grow smaller and smaller - not even being able to have her sister's boyfriend in her home will be a part of that.
Is it an option to move out for final year?

I'm with @shumway. Things like this bother me on a regular basis and I think you maybe have to go through it in order to know how distressing it can be. But I know it's not fair to let my problems seep out into others' lives.

I make the conscious decision to take steps to cut down on the impact on others. In this situation, as an adult with (presumably) some money or the capacity to earn, I would remove myself from the situation politely and pay my way into a hotel. No fuss, just do it.

If DD2 is diagnosed with social anxiety then yes, of course this situation will make her feel awkward. Is she still having treatment, does she have any coping strategies? as for using social anxiety as an excuse, its not an excuse, its an actual REASON.

Or is this self-diagnosed? In which case, get treatment for her.

If DD2 has social anxiety you should not consider having anyone to stay without her consent. It will be absolute hell for her!

Don't be silly.