DD1's boyfriend is staying over, but DD2 doesn't want him to. Who 'wins'?

[namechangingforthis18]

DD1 is in her early 20s and just finished uni and lives in a flat-type place, but she comes home when she has time off work. She currently has 2 weeks off, so has come home.

DD2 is going into her 2nd year of uni and lives at home (commutes).

DD1 has known her boyfriend for a few months and he lives closer to our house than her flat-type place, so they have spent a lot of time together. One day they are getting up early and going on a day out, so she asked if he could stay here and I said yes (I have met him and he's lovely).

DD2 hasn't met him yet and doesn't really want to, there isn't a particular reason (doesn't really give one) and has said she won't feel comfortable with him here, she doesn't know him and if she needs to walk to the bathroom, go downstairs, has asked if he'll be around and we said well yes, maybe. She has decided she isn't comfy with that and will be booking to stay in a hotel but likes to add "it should really be them booking into a hotel".

I'm undecided really. I still think if she has a problem and I and her dad do not, she should be the one to sort herself out.

She has social anxiety so that's why she's a bit iffy about meeting him, there's no untoward reason.

Thanks.

She's willing to spend a night with complete strangers in a hotel??

Hotels have ensuite bathrooms and no expectation of small talk at the dinner or breakfast table!

Your dd2 will need to experience just these sorts of situations very soon. She needs exposure to build her confidence and slowly face her fears. Tbh I would have thought having her dds bf over for the night would be a good way to do this in a safe environment surrounded by people, who love her.

Instead of calling her bluff about the hotel, I would talk to her about strategies the three of you can put in place to make this happen. If she still won’t budge, so be it. She can fork out for a hotel. No way you should live your lives to fit her agenda. One thing you haven’t mentioned in this is your partner. Do you have one? Are you living with / married to their father? If not, you want to be able to have someone yourself.

If she doesn't confront her problems head on, they will only get worse. They certainly won't improve magically.

As her mum you have to help her confront those problems in a gentle and sympathetic way. This is one such instance that you should do this. It won't help her to enable her to avoid all scary situations. With her counsellors help, help her to face this head on. Starting with perhaps meeting the bf briefly first. Encourage her to not go to the hotel but accept that this might be the outcome - this particular time, it might be too big a first step.
If she can't do it this time then persevere. Try taking baby steps. Meet the bf for 5 mins and then gradually build up the time. Then do the same with other friends of yours to gradually desensitise her to strangers in her home.
You can't continue to ignore the problem. Burying your heads in the sand won't fix this.

Tbh OP, I was DD2 in this situation.

I stated all the reasons you've quoted about not being comfortable walking around the house in the night/bumping into him on the way back from the shower/just generally not feeling OK with it, but the reality was that I just didn't want to deal with the change. I wanted it to be just me, my sister and our parents when she was home, and looking back, it wasn't fair of me at all.

So I would let DD1 and her boyfriend stay, definitely. DD2 needs to accept that time moves on and things change, which she will come to terms with in time.

It's also unlikely DD1 will continue to come and stay if her boyfriend is not welcome, plus if you do decide not to allow him to stay then he will likely feel very uncomfortable visiting at all, which is not what you want.

DD2 needs to suck this one up, I'm afraid. She can't avoid getting to know her sister's boyfriend, and hopefully once they do meet properly she'll feel less uncomfortable.

By dbf's brother was highly socially anxious when I first went to stay with them, he would walk out of a room as soon as I came in and eat in his room. I thought this was strange but over the next 20 plus years he has got used to me.
Having people over is a normal part of life, dsis could use her CBT to work through some of her issues. One day your other dd may settle down and go on to have dc with one of the boyfriends she brings home, you want to have a good relationship with them both.

DD2 is being controlling. My aunt used to behave like this in my GPS home.

Your home, you must be able to have DD1’s partner to stay And be welcoming and supportive of DD1s relationships.

I think you need to discuss what exactly it is that is worrying her and what can be done to make that easier for her. EG Is she worried he might come into her room(unlikely to happen but it may be one of her irrational fears)? If so, can you put a small bolt on her door so she doesn't lie awake all night. I assume the bathroom door already has a lock so there shouldn't be any embarrassment there. Does DD2 have a longish dressing gown she can use for trips to/from the bathroom. I'm sure she can manage for 1 night to not go wondering around the house before getting dressed.

I agree that you would be pandering to her and not helping her if you just banned DD1's BF from staying at all. My DS has ASD and some associated anxiety. He had sole use of the main bathroom EXCEPT when we had visitors. Never occured to me not to have visitors - just to advise DS how to cope with them being there.

If DD2 had asthma and DD1 wanted to smoke in the house, would you let her?

DD2 has anxiety, an illness, and DD1 wants to do something that makes that illness worse. So what makes it different?

Erm
Because dd2 presumably wants to get better and this would be a good way to start?

DD2 has anxiety, an illness, and DD1 wants to do something that makes that illness worse.

It's DD2 who wants to do something that will make her illness worse, i.e. avoid a normal social situation. Your analogy does not fit the situation.

Everyone seems to be missing the point that DD1 doesn't live at home anymore.

It's one night!

I really don't understand why there wasn't a conversation about DD2s social anxiety around this before it was agreed. There may well have been some simple things that could have resolved this, rather than DD2 feeling like staying in a hotel is the only option.

Everyone seems to be missing the point that DD1 doesn't live at home anymore. That's pretty much where I started from too, Sadie!

Even without any social anxiety issue I think DD1 is taking the piss and DD2 is just pointing it out... taking it a bit far maybe, but she is entitled to say what she doesn't feel comfortable with, in her own home,

As an introvert with anxiety I want to point out that being able to meet and spend time with strangers at uni or work is totally different to having someone stay over. I can do the former but by the end of the day I'm completely exhausted and home is my safe place with very familiar people. Having guests over is really stressful, even when I like them very much, have invited them myself and planned for it.

A hotel room has some of the same 'safety' feelings - when I go to conferences I can talk to strangers during the day, but I wouldn't attend if I had to share a hotel room, because I need that downtime.

I'd be fine in your DDs situation, if the boyfriend was only staying for one night, but I'm also much older than her and have developed coping strategies for anxiety. People pressuring me to do things I wasn't ready for never helped. I'd say going to the hotel this time is reasonable for her under the circumstances, but I'd encourage her to meet the boyfriend after that - starting off with just saying hello, or talking for a few minutes.

There may well have been some simple things that could have resolved this, rather than DD2 feeling like staying in a hotel is the only option Yep, like DD1 and her boyfriend staying in DD1s own home, maybe!

With social anxiety that she's having therapy for, I don't think it's dd2 who's being a dick.

I really don't see why dd1 can't stay in her own place with her bf for the night. She's not very independent, is she?

'If DD2 had asthma and DD1 wanted to smoke in the house, would you let her?

DD2 has anxiety, an illness, and DD1 wants to do something that makes that illness worse. So what makes it different?'

Exposure to the trigger only makes anxiety worse temporarily. Done in a controlled and consistent manner, it makes it better. Asthma and smoking are a very different kettle of fish.

Also, it is entirely possible - normal these days, indeed - to go outside to smoke. It's not normal to have to give up having visitors to your home.

I think DD2 should "win". Its her house, and with social anxiety that makes it her safe place. I have social anxiety too and absolutely hate having anyone at my house, even if I adore them, for more than a few hours and especially overnight. Its only a matter of convenience for DD1, and I dont think that wins out over DD2 feeling safe.
Agree

Is it because he is male?

Part of me is thinking there might be more to dd2's aversion to him staying.

I also think people are being astonishingly hard on the older sister.

She has a small flat (or 'flat-type place', so maybe more of a bedsit) and still essentially considers her parents' home 'home' (if I understand the OP correctly. There is obviously a room that is still hers). She would like to be near her boyfriend, which is normal. They want to stay over together one day because it makes their plans. Again, normal. All perfectly normal things that the dd2 is - tbh - being extraordinarily selfish over. She seems pretty clear that it's everyone else's role to revolve around her and her wants ('they should be the ones getting a hotel'). I don't doubt that her social anxiety is very difficult for her, but she really, really cannot control other people's lives to this extent. Was she expecting her sister to foot the bill for their hotel too?

...makes their plans easier.

It is important for you to have a normal interaction with your DD1. This includes her being able to bring friends home.

This is the moment where adult relationships really begin. Don’t let DD2 weaken the bond between you and DD1 - it could have long term consequences.

God people are odd.

If you want to have dd1 and her bf to stay (how nice that they want to) it's YOUR house, not dd2s.

I think she's being jealous anyway not socially anxious. That's an excuse.

If DD2 manages to function in society (which it appears she does - she goes to uni, is capable of booking and checking into a hotel alone), then I really think she's being a bit over the top.

Could you sit your two daughters down and have a chat about managing the visit? Eg explain that DD2 can eat dinner in her room, the boyfriend will be gone by 8am etc. If she feels comfortable she could pop into the living room and briefly say hi, and doesn't need to stay and socialise, but there's no obligation on her to even do that. But since she gets on well with her sister, and if this boyfriend becomes serious, presumably she'll need to meet him at some point. I hope you can find a way to let the visit happen and for DD2 to stay (and maybe even realise it's not too terrrible!).