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Original poster

Paying for Nephews University

222 replies

PetitFilous123 · 22/08/2017 23:00

Have NC so I don't out myself 😳

My brother has always been really good to me, looked after me after our parents died when we were young.

As things have worked out I have a good job and have saved quite well and generally just had a bit of good luck where finances are concerned. He and his wife struggle a bit financially and had been worried about how they would pay for their son to go to uni this year.

I spoke with my DB and suggested maybe I could pay his fees for the next four years and help out with accommodation costs etc. All fine. Didn't have the conversation with SIL because I wouldn't have wanted her to be offended or anything like that.

SIL has now just text to ask if I can give her the money she needs for a new car.

I could do this, and I probably will, I just sort of feel a little bit meh that she has asked me this. I don't know if I'm just being a bit daft though. I don't mind to help out, and I don't want to be rude, just sort of feel a bit out of sorts about it and can't tell if I'm being a bit unreasonable.

In my situation, wwyd? I'm not struggling for money, but equally I don't have a massive amount stashed away.

OP posts:
Rhubarbginisnotasin · 23/08/2017 19:35

Just thinking maybe your sil felt that seeing as it was your brother who sacrificed so much for you that it's them who should reap the benefits and not your nephew who by the sounds of it is set up to have a high earning future career?

There's absolutely nothing to say the help was given during his marriage. But even so you'd think a parent would be only too happy to know that their child was going to be helped through uni. You'd not even think of yourself. You'd only think of your child.

LexieLulu · 23/08/2017 19:38

You're a lovely auntie and sister! Flowers but I really don't think you should pay for the car too x

Chestervase1 · 23/08/2017 19:40

It is lovely to help your family if you are able. However, this is a large sum and a big commitment. No one knows what your position will be in 5 or 10 years time, things can and do change. Your nephew could well be the high earner in the family then.

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Higher education
Whatsforu · 23/08/2017 19:53

I was thinking the same as lexie you sound like a genuinely lovely generous person. I wouldn't be buying the car. It's lovely to hear a person who has done well for themselves and so willing to give back. Flowers for you

Pemba · 23/08/2017 19:54

I don't know why some posters are having a go, I think it is a lovely generous thing to offer - wish I had a sister like you!

Yes, your SIL has some brass neck asking you to gift her the money for a car, on top of what you are doing for your nephew. But could it be that as you say your DB and SIL 'struggle a bit financially' she is wondering why you are offering this help to DN, when DB and SIL could actually have done with help themselves over the years? You say your brother didn't go to uni so he could support you when you were young, so presumably he's still not a high earner. Maybe SIL is making a kind of passive aggressive point about this? Apologies if I have missed something and you have in fact been giving them assistance.

And if your DN will be doing dentistry and likely to achieve a good salary very quickly, maybe he's not the one that actually needs the help?

If he starts earning well it will be no hardship to him to pay off student loans, as Martin Lewis and others say, it should be regarded more like a graduate tax. A monthly allowance, or paying his accommodation costs would be helpful, and then (if you really can manage it) giving him the equivalent money to 5 years of tuition fees after he gets his first job - he could then use this as a deposit on his first home. But as I say, he may not be the one who requires help.

Deemail · 23/08/2017 20:06

There's absolutely nothing to say the help was given during his marriage. But even so you'd think a parent would be only too happy to know that their child was going to be helped through uni. You'd not even think of yourself. You'd only think of your child. *

I agree but it seems strange that the sil made request for a car after money was offered for her son's education. The op genuinely believes her brother didn't advance as well as he could've career wise due to making compromises in order to care for his younger siblings. When she used this point of view to persuade her brother and his wife to accept her help for their son maybe she was so convincing that the wife convinced herself that she and dh were owed as if he hadn't sacrificed his opportunities he could've been the well off one and the op might not have ended up as financially secure as she is.
I definitely wasn't saying she was right to ask let alone to do so by text. I was just trying to come up with a theory of how she convinced herself this was justified.
And yes I'd agree I would only think of my child and feel very happy on their behalf that they were benefiting from a very generous offer.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 20:19

He is registered and had previously submitted all his student finance papers but we can change this to self funding up until the date of the first payment

I missed this earlier - his student finance will be in his name, with his customer number, password and security number. Unless he's given the OP these details she will not be able to log into his account to make any changes to his details without his knowledge.

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 20:27

Oh my word. I'm not planning on trying to hack the poor boys financials. I will give the money to his father, who will transfer it to his son when his fees are due, and his son will pay the fees etc...it's not some dastardly scheme! I promise. 😂

OP posts:
Smileyeyes68 · 23/08/2017 20:28

Hmm, my uncle in the U.S. has offered to pay DD's university fees, primarily to help us out. While I'm very appreciative of it,and I hope it makes a difference to her in the future if she gets a well paid job, at the moment it isn't any direct help to family finances, we still have to fund all living costs as we would have done anyway and she'll still have to take out a maintenance loan for accomodation,so will have a student loan to repay (albeit a much smaller one!) . Also DD is one of four children and it is unlikely the younger ones will get the same gift. Given the choice ,if we had access to that money over the next four years we would probably distribute it differently/ fund a car for DD at Uni/possibly keep it for a house deposit for her, but there's no way I'd insult my uncle by saying that when he's being so generous and it's his money to spend as he sees fit.

purplecorkheart · 23/08/2017 20:53

I am the first to admit I am clueless but is there a tax implication in this matter? Gift tax etc?

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 20:56

purple no tax implications 👍

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 21:05

Who mentioned hacking? Hmm

All I'm saying is, as you've no intention of telling your nephew about your decision with respect to his student loan (instead delegating the decision to his dad), someone is going to have to tell him so he can log into his student finance account to change his details.

So you may as well tell him.

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 21:31

Rhonda ...or...his dad can tell him he's transferring money to him and he can change his details. You are getting yourself way too overinvested in this to be honest. I don't see why it matters to you whether he knows the money is from me or from his dad.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 21:53

"Overinvested" = you're saying things I don't want to hear.

abigailgabble · 23/08/2017 21:59

Shock the bloody cheek!

in all seriousness OP, financially it makes much more sense for him to soldier on with uni fees etc and your money is used for a house deposit.

i would tell the SIL to take a bloody hike though, what nerve!!

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 22:09

suburban I'm not going to tell him unless that's what my brother wants to do. That's basically where we're at with it. I know you disagree, you've made the point multiple times. Thank you for taking the time to post, I didn't mean to sound snappy or ungrateful, don't worry about it though. I'm confident in my decision, and I have the benefit of knowing my family really well, so it's probably easier for me to see the entire picture. Thanks though. I have appreciated the food for thought.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 22:25

It's not so much that I disagree, more that you haven't explained why you won't tell him you're paying (not that you have to; just that I and the other posters who think it's odd would understand better if you could explain your decision not to tell him).

You have said you think he's not capable of making the decision himself yet he's an adult, about to leave home and manage his life, finances, everything by himself.

And what is his dad going to say - yes, son, imagine my surprise, your mum's car is on its last legs but suddenly we've acquired over £40,000 to pay your way through uni?

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 22:26

Btw you weren't snappy - I'm just puzzled!

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 22:29

suburban sorry if you don't feel I've explained things enough. The car thing is sorted and that was my main concern 😁

OP posts:
NanooCov · 23/08/2017 23:18

Who the hell texts to borrow money?!? She's being grabby. Reply No.

SittingAround1 · 24/08/2017 13:47

Dear OP I think it's a lovely thing to pay your nephew's fees. it'll be such a relief to graduate debt free.

I think a lot of people have mistaken the 'might not have to pay back all the loan' to mean you should definitely take it out.

Unless your nephew is not planning on working much, it will be cheaper to pay the fees up front.
Not paying back the loan over the 30 years doesn't necessarily mean you pay less than if you paid the fees upfront as they add interest from the moment you take out the loan. So a lot of the repayments are covering the interest.

The terms & conditions, including the earnings threshold can change anytime.

It's money knocked off your salary so he'll have less to spend on mortgage, pension savings etc.

I really don't get why people think it's no big deal for young people to start their working lives with such a huge financial commitment already made.

LexieLulu · 24/08/2017 13:52

Did you respond to text about car?

oldestmumaintheworld · 24/08/2017 13:56

It's lovely that you want to help your nephew and I'm a great believer in helping the young when they need the money rather than leaving it to them when you've gone.

However, I would ask you to consider a couple of things. Firstly, he will be better off in the long run if you put the money for tuition into an ISA for him to use as a deposit for a flat once he earns enough. He can borrow the money and it is effectively a graduate tax (see Money Saving Expert which explains it very well.). Secondly, if you want to help immediately then pay his room/hall fees. This will make a real difference to him whilst a student.

Do not give/lend your SIL money. This leads to resentment and issues. Speak to your brother about this.

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 24/08/2017 14:01

We've decided to pay the fees because I think he will most likely end up paying them back, and as others have said it makes sense not to saddle him with the debt when we don't have too. We are also going to pay the accommodation and give him £500 a month to budget with, plus money for his books etc.

Hopefully it'll all work out well. SIL is going to take a finance agreement for her new car so that part is sorted out as well 😁

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 24/08/2017 14:01

I really don't get why people think it's no big deal for young people to start their working lives with such a huge financial commitment already made.

Perhaps if you read the link from Money Saving Expert that I and another poster linked to several pages back, it will explain it for you.

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