Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Paying for Nephews University

222 replies

PetitFilous123 · 22/08/2017 23:00

Have NC so I don't out myself 😳

My brother has always been really good to me, looked after me after our parents died when we were young.

As things have worked out I have a good job and have saved quite well and generally just had a bit of good luck where finances are concerned. He and his wife struggle a bit financially and had been worried about how they would pay for their son to go to uni this year.

I spoke with my DB and suggested maybe I could pay his fees for the next four years and help out with accommodation costs etc. All fine. Didn't have the conversation with SIL because I wouldn't have wanted her to be offended or anything like that.

SIL has now just text to ask if I can give her the money she needs for a new car.

I could do this, and I probably will, I just sort of feel a little bit meh that she has asked me this. I don't know if I'm just being a bit daft though. I don't mind to help out, and I don't want to be rude, just sort of feel a bit out of sorts about it and can't tell if I'm being a bit unreasonable.

In my situation, wwyd? I'm not struggling for money, but equally I don't have a massive amount stashed away.

OP posts:

cromwell44 · 23/08/2017 16:49

I'm amazed by PPs reactions to OP helping her DN with the cost of his university education, your post really has rattled some cages. Good for you OP! I'd do this like a shot for my own children if I had the means, my DS has just finished with a huge debt which is accruing interest and has been from day 1.
It sounds like you have a lovely family who help each other out,
from your comment about your DB helping you out when you were at uni.
I can see how the SIL's request might seem a bit grabby coming after your offer to your DN so it's good that it's been sorted out.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 16:52

Actually, OP, this isn't about supporting your children through university.

What I feel uncomfortable about is the way you've completely excluded your nephew from this discussion, when it's actually all about the debt you feel you owe to your brother.

I think it's a real shame you can't think of a way to repay your brother without involving your nephew and risking him feeling forever in your debt and even possibly
angry with you for considering him a "kid" and not worthy of being consulted.

Original poster

PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 16:52

I didn't intend to start a riot

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Higher education

Original poster

PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 16:57

I know my nephew pretty well, and am confident he would welcome the gesture and accept it in the manner in which it is intended. I think it would have been more disrespectful to my brother and awkward for my nephew if i just approached him directly and offered £xxx to him without ever speaking to his father. As far as i'm concerned it's up to my brother if he tells my nephew that I've provided some money or not. I don't understand why it should make a difference to him where it comes from, it's not like i'm a stranger who has just decided to throw money at a random child for his education.

Would those who find it all a bit objectionable feel the same if my brother was just paying for it all himself?

OP posts:

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 16:58

I'm sure you didn't, OP. You sound exceptionally generous with your money.

I do hope you have a change of heart and include your nephew - and his mum - in the conversation you plan to have with your brother this weekend.

Deemail · 23/08/2017 17:02

Just wanted to say I think you're doing a lovely thing for your dn. I would keep the whole thing transparent and let your nephew know of any involvement you have and why.

I'm gob smacked by your sil texting asking for money for a car, what was she thinking? Did your brother know about this?

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 17:05

If you're so certain your nephew would be happy with your plans, why not involve him in the discussion?

And I wasn't suggesting telling the nephew instead of his dad, I think you should tell them both.

zzzzz · 23/08/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 23/08/2017 17:11

Petit, we've done this umpteen times over for family because we're in the position to. We're not in the Uk and if we didn't an international further education would be out of their reach. I see nothing wrong in doing what you're doing.

We've also provided a few cars to other family members but people are told beforehand thats it, there will be nothing else. Some then say ok, they wont have the car just in case they need a help in the future but others still take the car and that's Ok.

We're more than happy to share what we have - just don't think we're stupid.

Janus · 23/08/2017 17:11

OP if you can comfortably afford it then I think it's a wonderful thing you are doing, just wanted to make sure you were definitely ok. What a wonderful thing to offer and be able to offer, he's a very lucky buy and you are very generous.

Original poster

PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 17:21

If my brother wants to tell my nephew about the arrangement he can, but if he decides not too that is fine as well. It is his family and as far as I am concerned it is his decision. I don't see where the rudeness comes from in any of it.

I think if most people where offered an interest free "loan" with no strings attached they would jump at the chance to be honest. At any rate we will make the decisions we make and that will be that.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 23/08/2017 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PersianCatLady · 23/08/2017 18:04

I definitely applaud her but if nephew is earning 35K a year and will probably be single or without children then how could HE not afford to pay it back? I just don't understand why you should pay it all and give away a big chunk of your money when he should very much be able and responsible to pay the loan. That's just my opinion. What if you were to become sick and need money yourself? I think you need to protect your own nest egg too
I was just about to post this myself but now I don't have to because you already did.

PersianCatLady · 23/08/2017 18:07

I don't understand what the point of this thread was as the OP asked WWYD but had already made up her mind what she was doing??

Belindaboom · 23/08/2017 18:12

She was asking about a car not for the internets opinion on paying her nephews fees.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 18:14

It is his family and as far as I am concerned it is his decision.

How come even though you feel so indebted to your brother that you want to repay him by giving ten of thousands of pounds to his son, you are unable to see that your nephew, in turn, is likely to feel just as indebted as you did, possibly for the rest of his life?

And you still feel he shouldn't be consulted?

Original poster

PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 18:19

I think i've probably covered my reasons pretty well in relation to the fees, I also haven't said he shouldn't be consulted, I've said that's a matter for his dad. If people want to continue to be obtuse about it that's totally fine, but believe me, I get the message, you don't agree parents should support their children financially after they reach the age of 18. You don't believe we should anticipate their success and you don't believe we should contribute towards fees when we can just because we "might never have to pay it" at any rate.

I asked about the car, and have dealt with it in line with some helpful posters suggestions. So many thanks for that.

OP posts:

Original poster

PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 18:21

P.S I don't feel indebted to my brother, I feel grateful for his sacrifices.

OP posts:

Belindaboom · 23/08/2017 18:27

Petit, honestly you sound lovely. It's a really nice thing to do for your brother and nephew.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 18:30

I get the message, you don't agree parents should support their children financially after they reach the age of 18. You don't believe we should anticipate their success and you don't believe we should contribute towards fees when we can just because we "might never have to pay it" at any rate.

Don't know who you're referring to, but you clearly haven't got the message as no-one has said any of those things!

Deemail · 23/08/2017 18:52

QuackDuckQuack · 23/08/2017 19:13

It might make sense to offer him a lump sum on graduation to use as a deposit on a property.

But back to your initial question - you have offered, very specifically, something for your nephew. Your SIL has completely misinterpreted this and asked for cash for herself. You just need to be clear so that she knows that the answer is 'no' and she doesn't keep asking.

PersianCatLady · 23/08/2017 19:19

Just thinking maybe your sil felt that seeing as it was your brother who sacrificed so much for you that it's them who should reap the benefits and not your nephew who by the sounds of it is set up to have a high earning future career?
I wish that I hadn't thought this thought but if the SIL is as grabby as she sounds then perhaps not all of this money will get to the DN.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2017 19:24

The OP will have to give the money to her nephew because all matters to do with student finance are addressed to him, not his parents.

Which is why I think she's mad to think she and her brother can do all it all behind his back.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 23/08/2017 19:32

I dont understand the Op doing it behind the lads back. The lad is going to Uni, the Op can pay for it, end of. That really is all there is to it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread