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Original poster

Paying for Nephews University

222 replies

PetitFilous123 · 22/08/2017 23:00

Have NC so I don't out myself 😳

My brother has always been really good to me, looked after me after our parents died when we were young.

As things have worked out I have a good job and have saved quite well and generally just had a bit of good luck where finances are concerned. He and his wife struggle a bit financially and had been worried about how they would pay for their son to go to uni this year.

I spoke with my DB and suggested maybe I could pay his fees for the next four years and help out with accommodation costs etc. All fine. Didn't have the conversation with SIL because I wouldn't have wanted her to be offended or anything like that.

SIL has now just text to ask if I can give her the money she needs for a new car.

I could do this, and I probably will, I just sort of feel a little bit meh that she has asked me this. I don't know if I'm just being a bit daft though. I don't mind to help out, and I don't want to be rude, just sort of feel a bit out of sorts about it and can't tell if I'm being a bit unreasonable.

In my situation, wwyd? I'm not struggling for money, but equally I don't have a massive amount stashed away.

OP posts:
Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 22/08/2017 23:36

It's really just so he doesn't get saddled with a lot of debts and I'd rather he didn't have to work part time jobs etc so he can focus on getting his exams.

I totally take the point about him learning financial responsibility, just seems a lot of pressure on kids these days.

OP posts:
BumWad · 22/08/2017 23:38

Do you have any other dependents? Are you mortgage free?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 22/08/2017 23:39

Oh in that case I would reply that you're sorry but you're already committed to helping nephew so you can't afford to lend her any money.

What a cheek she has!

Glad you've taken on the point about fees. It would be a shame to end up paying money you don't have to.

Interested in this thread?

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Higher education
Copperbeech33 · 22/08/2017 23:45

Oh in that case I would reply that you're sorry but you're already committed to helping nephew so you can't afford to lend her any money.

absolutely do NOT text back apologising or justifying why you won't give her the money!

Just text back a single word

No.

( with the full stop!!)

end of conversation!

if she texts back anything else, just ignore

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 22/08/2017 23:50

I don't want to be rude to her, just probably feel a bit uncomfortable that she text.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 22/08/2017 23:53

Why not talk to nephew about it? See what he would be eligible for in the first place and whether he would like a top up for living conditions or some money put away for after uni, house deposit etc.

When I went to uni I got no financial help from my parents, lived off student fees, maintenance loans etc all to be paid off when I earn x amount of money. That was 10 years ago and Ive never earnt that much yet. I worked in the holidays but never had to work at uni, learnt to budget well and never went without. It was a good experience and I learnt lots of skills and also the value of money.

Can he drive? What about investing in some other things that will help him in future. Costs approximately £1000 to learn to drive that'd be a nice gift and maybe top his living expenses up £100 a month, that would go far on a student budget and maybe a supermarket delivery occasionally.

Ignore Sil comment, I would have taken it as a joke more than anything else.

Copperbeech33 · 22/08/2017 23:53

why not? she has just been incredibly, unbelievably rude to you. No. isn't rude anyway, it is just a simple factual answer to her question. Personally, I would be a lot ruder

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 22/08/2017 23:55

Absolutely DO apologise (it's polite and you don't have to mean it - in fact unless she's a total buffoon she will know you aren't sorry) and DO justify your point because she will get the real message (i.e. She is coming across as an ungrateful money grabbing chancer) but without any nasty falling out having to happen.

Or, you know, punch her in the face and shit in her handbag Smile

zzzzz · 23/08/2017 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cavender · 23/08/2017 00:00

I think paying for the fees is fine as you've kindly offered.

Paying for the car is different and I would politely decline. It doesn't speak well if your SIL that having been offered 40k for her son her first though is how much more she can ask for, rather than just being eternally grateful for your generosity.

Where would it end?

2017SoFarSoGood · 23/08/2017 00:01

Or, you know, punch her in the face and shit in her handbag

^^

She is incredibly rude to even consider asking this of you. I'd be quite short with my response. "No." That seems to cover it. Not "no, sorry" because I would not be sorry - other than sorry I have such a rude SIL.

Original poster
PetitFilous123 · 23/08/2017 00:06

I'm sure she meant no harm, and I didn't offer to help with my nephew for any other reason than just to be helpful, so I don't expect them to feel indebted or anything like that, it did just seem a little bit rude.

My little ones will be fine when it comes time for university if they go that direction, so genuinely not worried about that side of things, the money is sort of just spare right now, so I was hoping he could benefit, since the reason my brother isn't in a better position in his career and things is probably down to him having left school to support us when we were still quite young. Anything I have is because of him, and if he wanted/needed a car i wouldn't even hesitate.

OP posts:
Nettynet12 · 23/08/2017 00:17

PetitFilous123 your brother sounds lovely. His wife not much. You owe her nothing, the cheek of her! Unbelievable

BackforGood · 23/08/2017 00:26

I agree with everyone else.
She has been very rude to ask you.
Just reply 'No - I'm not able to do that'.
I agree with everyone about the fees too - it doesn't make sense to pay his fees up front - or at all unless he is going straight into some higher rate tax job. Invest the money and give it him at 25 or something for a deposit on a flat or house.

BubblesBuddy · 23/08/2017 00:30

It is far more sensible for you to top up his maintenance loan because the loan is never enough. Do not pay the fees. He may never need to pay them back if he doesn't get a very highly paid job. A job like teaching doesn't pay it all back. Or nursing. So he willl have to earn a great deal before he pays lots. The money is far better used for a house deposit or a car to get to work when the time comes. You really should do a lot more research on the best ways to help young people and paying off fees is not it, except for the high earners. I would certainly see how his career goes before I had the conversation about paying off anything. The fees will be 3 years x £9000 plus maintenance of about £15,000 for three years plus the top up - many parents top up another £3000 pa on top. So about £50,000 minimum.

Belindaboom · 23/08/2017 00:36

I don't get why you're getting lots of judgement on the fees etc.
PPs, the OP has told you about the fees for background - it's quite apparent she made this decision and it's what she wants to do. It's a really lovely thing as well.

On the subject of the car which is what you've actually asked about, she's having a laugh and taking advantage. You sound really lovely but please don't give her the money.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 23/08/2017 00:40

Not judgement, advice. There's a difference which the op has noted.

RebelRogue · 23/08/2017 00:40

Why don't you ask your brother what he wants/needs right now given that they struggled?
It's lovely that you want to help your nephew. It's even lovelier to consider your SIL's request given the rudeness of it all. But given the sentiment behind it all, wouldn't it be better to make your brother's life easier if you can?

AJPTaylor · 23/08/2017 00:40

Can i just say how lovely it is that you are paying forward the sacrifices your brother made for you.

Singleandproud · 23/08/2017 01:07

Why dont you wait a while, if nobody actually needs the money right now there may come a time in your brothers life when he falls on hard times and does need it.

Maybe, if its a considerable amount put it in premium bonds or stashed away elsewhere and pass on to your brother any winnings/or interest. Or treat him to a a holiday or experience to say thank you. Tickets/flights to the World Cup final, good tickets at monaco for the grand prix or whatever his interests are in.

purplecorkheart · 23/08/2017 07:27

I am beyond shocked at your SIL. Please do not give her the money. It will be the start of a slippery slope and can lead to conflict and could cause a falling out.

In regards to your nephew maybe consider paying for books and accommodation. A rainy day may come for you and your family and your nest egg maybe needed

IdaBiscuit · 23/08/2017 07:34

Oh gosh don't pay his fees, that makes zero financial sense.

I could pay my DCs easily but I'm certainly not going to.

It would be lovely if you topped up his accommodation fees and gave him an allowance every month. This will help him budget and will stop his parents worrying about him having enough to eat etc.

You've very kind by the way.

InfiniteSheldon · 23/08/2017 07:44

Paying his fees is a great decision feel free to ignore posters giving you advice on something you've made an educated decision on and ignoring your actual question: tell SiL robustly that you are offended she would ask. Gift to dn is just that and if she wants a new car she can pay for it herself.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/08/2017 07:49

I think paying his fees will be very freeing for him, no loan plus extortionate interest rate he'll need to pay off. What a lovely thing to do.

I'd tell your sister in law to get lost. Cheeky woman.

SavoyCabbage · 23/08/2017 07:54

It's not a 'great decision' and she hasn't made an 'educated decision' on it at all!

People aren't telling her not to help her nephew they are saying paying the fees is not the best way of doing it as he might never need to pay them anyway.