Dear Mr Cumberbatch
I should very much appreciate your assistance in helping resolve a problem which I have: to wit, my youngest son who, in addition to being the most revolting individual it has ever been my misfortune to encounter, keeps leaving home.
This in itself is not the problem: the problem is that the little swine keeps moving back in.
Having contemplated my options, I am convinced that the only solution is for the little toe-rag, on his next return to Chez Addict, to discover you and I having exceedingly filthy and noisy sex in the living room. Or possibly against the door of the fridge.
Going on his track record so far, his return could take anything from 23 minutes to a month. However, I would be more than willing for you to offer your services for longer than this, as the above-mentioned scenario might also dissuade his siblings from SAS-style swoops on the house at any hours of the day or night in order to completely strip it of anything vaguely resembling food.
The door of the fridge is beginning to look most likely. Surely even they'd notice?
Don't bother to pack - this might take some considerable time.
Love
TheAddict