I am swinger AMA

[AMA097155]

As the title says really. I think there's a lot of misconceptions about my/our choices so I'd thought I'd post.

I am what some term a 'hotwife', although that word gives me the ick.

(A hotwife in the swinging and consensual non-monogamy community is a married or committed woman who has sex with other men with the full knowledge, consent, and active encouragement of her husband)

I have sex with people other than my husband, a a friend with benefits whom I'd seen for a over a year, and friends all within the swinging world.

My husband joins socially and for things like a party but isn't so keen on meeting women solo. We've also jointly attended a club, but the dynamic wasn't for us.

If you have any questions, ask away.

Making excuses and saying orgasm isn't the goal of sex (it's not the only goal, no, but why on earth wouldn't it be a goal, when it's literally the climax), makes it sound like you don't orgasm a lot, which isn’t surprising.

It's really sad that lack of orgasm is so normalised and accepted by even sexually 'open' and 'confident' women that it gets brushed aside. Women can be multiorgasmic, unlike men – someone so sexually unihibited should, you would think have at least four or more orgasms in a session, and yet... Nope.

Do the men orgasm as infrequently as you? Or do they orgasm pretty much every time?

Messages on their phones, or overhearing conversations, would be the most likely reasons. Children can be perceptive, especially as they go into their teens, and a lot of my peers had overheard conversations they shouldn’t have, found things in bedside drawers, or read texts (prior to smart phones). As they get older, noticing when their parents go out, or who their friends are might make them suspicious. But really all it takes is one conversation when the children are home, or one notification coming up on their phone, to be caught out.

The same principle applies to using dildos, practising anal sex, cross dressing, bdsm, watching porn, having a threesome, enjoying a good ol spanking or anything that involves consenting adults having a sex life.

I can't understand the anger and vitriol on here at all. I can understand people being disapproving, but why angry? OP doesn't sleep with married people and everyone is consenting. I don't get it. Reminds me of how parents can get really angry with people who don't want kids. There's clearly something deeply psychological going on with both these disproportional rage reactions. 🤔

It's not anger for me. It is disgust.

😂😂

Do I know you

Yes, it does. But you generally don't have to have conversations while the children might be awake, or get phone messages, in order to organise using a dildo later that night, or pegging your DH. Going to parties and organising dates with FWBs, or meeting up with other couples, is a bit more involved.

But porn is misogynistic and hugely exploitative, threesomes are just picky swinging, and I'd argue that being heavily into bdsm while you have young children at home isn't good due to the possibility they might find out. Have fun being wild when you're young (before you get good enough at sex that you don’t need 'extras' to enjoy yourself), but don't risk your kids stumbling across something upsetting.

Yup. Fair comment. If it's not shameful tell your family and encourage your kids to try it too.

I do find swingers gross, like most of us. I think though that for me it's mainly related to the fact that they just won't shut up about it. I should never have to know what someone's sexual choices are, unless it comes up naturally somehow in conversation, which it does not unless they are close friends. I dislike boastful people with main character energy, and those who ignore conversational boundaries with those around them are so ill mannered.

I was working under a team leader who insisted on telling everyone who would listen about their polycule. Mate, I give zero fucks about who you fuck. Just get on with it.

It's the exhibitionism I find truly gross. I find the swinging bit pathetic and boring tbh.

Yes, people who do odd stuff are always claiming normals are "vanilla" "angry" "jealous" and claim they are sex "positive" in order to try to paint standard, healthy sex as negative. They try to control language as a way of controlling the narrative.

I don't even feel strongly enough about swinging to be disgusted, though that does change when in a face to face conversation. I find it disgusting when anyone forces their sex choices into other people's conversations, and the choices themself are generally a bit pathetic and dreary, if that makes sense.

It's not anger for me. It is disgust

I too have an 'Eeeeeew' response.

Ugh you know people really do this when their kids are at home?
That’s a step too far in my opinion.
although I do know a couple who are very open about their swinging lifestyle, very well known locally and their house has obvious ‘signs’ of sexual activity such as heavy duty hooks above the bed etc , their kids will definitely have an idea of what’s going on and will learn more as they get older, probably via gossip.

@AMA097155 I’m not sure how alternative/ not vanilla swinging and swapping etc is anymore.

id say at least half my friends/ associates have some form of swinging or non monogamous lifestyles and relationships and that’s just the ones I know about.

im very liberal (for want of a better word), very experienced and adventurous and have partaken in group sex scenarios as a much younger person but I don’t now, I feel I just outgrew it, no judgement at all from me , but I feel positively puritanical nowadays with all the shenanigans going on around me.

someone upthread mentioned monetisation, this seems to be the way a lot of couples go, either hosting events, creating content or being in other peoples productions, do you do any of this ? If so is it lucrative and if not, have you considered it?

Yes, that's normal of course. Swinging does bring with it a lot of relationship issues, far higher risk of rape, sexual abuse, diseases, lower social status, and nobody in a commited relationship really wants to be around people who they know for a fact could be interviewing them to be a potential fuck partner, it's a bit ick at best.

"Disgust triggers fall into a surprisingly small number of categories, and almost all of them trace back to one evolutionary job: keeping you away from things that could make you sick, weaken your reproductive fitness, or damage your standing in a group. Rotting food, bodily fluids, open wounds, cheating spouses, corrupt politicians. Different surface, same underlying alarm system."

...Most emotion researchers classify disgust emotion as one of a small set of basic, biologically built-in emotions, alongside fear, anger, joy, sadness, and surprise. Disgust checks every box researchers use to define a basic emotion: a distinct subjective feeling, a measurable physiological response, and a recognizable facial expression that shows up across cultures with no need for instruction.

...Cross-cultural studies going back over fifty years found that people from vastly different societies, including some with no exposure to Western media, identified the disgust face correctly at rates far above chance. That kind of consistency is hard to explain as learned behavior. It points toward something wired in at a deeper level, part of understanding disgust as one of the primary human emotions that operate largely outside conscious control."

Now, unlike the tired old swingers trope, the ins and outs of why we feel disgust is actually interesting, I think :) neurolaunch.com/disgust-emotion

That’s a really strong statement. Can you elaborate on what’s disgusting about it?
genuinely question?

im not a swinger and its not for me , partly because im too jealous and I am definitely a monogamous person but I don’t find it disgusting.
orgies and the like have existed at least since humans started documenting history.
Greeks, romans etc. it’s nothing new.

monogamy isn’t for everyone and just because monogamous couples are traditionally the norm it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the only way and that all other ways are ‘disgusting’.

this is consenting adults, obviously some are pressured or coerced into it but that’s no different to some monogamous relationships.
having sex with lots of people at once or swapping partners is no different to having lots of one night stands or a series of short term relationships or ‘flings’ whilst dating.

Yes, that kind of adventurousness/experimentation always seemed the preserve of the young to me - when you're still figuring things out, having fun, and haven't yet got very skilled at sex. Like wild partying and getting plastered, it seems the sort of thing a person should grow past wanting as they mature.

I know a couple into BDSM who used to have sex parties while the woman's very young DD was at her father's house - they'd let other people use the DD's bedroom to practice BDSM in, and insisted it was fine because they covered/changed the bedding 🤢

The DD eventually went to live with her DF full time, and I'm not sure if it's because she put two and two together as she got older, but she doesn't see them much. They try to make money off it now, but I think if anything it costs them more than they make, as they're forever in debt. A lot of their friends in the scene are the same way - including having articles online about their rather extreme kinks, with their real names, that their children will be able to see