I am swinger AMA

[AMA097155]

As the title says really. I think there's a lot of misconceptions about my/our choices so I'd thought I'd post.

I am what some term a 'hotwife', although that word gives me the ick.

(A hotwife in the swinging and consensual non-monogamy community is a married or committed woman who has sex with other men with the full knowledge, consent, and active encouragement of her husband)

I have sex with people other than my husband, a a friend with benefits whom I'd seen for a over a year, and friends all within the swinging world.

My husband joins socially and for things like a party but isn't so keen on meeting women solo. We've also jointly attended a club, but the dynamic wasn't for us.

If you have any questions, ask away.

I couldn't agree more! It's really bizarre to see women arguing against female pleasure, and trying to make orgasm seem like some occasional extra women shouldn't expect because our bodies are different (even though in this case, our bodies are actually capable of more pleasure than men, with more careful handling). It's made me think that some vanilla women might be having much better, less male-centred, more liberated sex than many swingers, haha.

If you love your husband why let your most intimate body parts be used by other men...that is not a healthy marriage... at all. Big issues there. How horrible.

It all sounds rather primitive, as though you’re a rabbit permanently at it. I genuinely don’t understand why sex would hold such a high place in your priorities that you’d need to join a group centred around it. Isn’t there something a little more interesting or elevated you could be doing, rather than having sex with random people? The whole thing just seems rather odd to me.

Help me out? What’s the difference between swinging and being polyamorous?

I think polyamorous tends to be relationships with other people.

Swinging is just sex.

It all sounds very exhausting though.

Swinging is just about the sex. No romantic relationship, meeting randoms much of the time, some you may know. Shagging them, often as a couple or with one watching. Polyamourous is about the relationship.

Sigh. Why can't people just live and let live? Let swingers swing in peace. They aren't harming anyone.

I have known a handful of people whose lives were VERY centred on sex. Three men and one woman, although I did once meet a female friend of hers who was the same.

The vast majority of us feel the most safe and the most comfortable in monogamous relationships. However, I am convinced that there are a minority of people who really are wired differently when it comes to sex. They don't get safety and comfort from monogamous relationships. Sex is central to their existence in a way that it's not for most of us. Variety seems to be crucially necessary to them. In my experience, they really do approach sex differently from the rest of us and have quite different needs. As long as they're not deceiving anyone, there's no need for all the outrage and disgust. At least couples who practice consensual non-monogamy don't get their hearts broken by their partner having an illicit affair. And they don't waste their lives in mediocre relationships and sex lives. (I just looked up swinging on wikipedia, and it said there's a study which indicated swingers were happier with the quality of their sex lives and relationships than controls were.)

I imagine that these couples are very close, given that they can talk about their extra-marital desires together and that it's not verboten to fancy someone else or sleep with them. It does actually sound quite freeing to be able to have dalliances with other people while coming home to the person who knows you best. You get all the benefits of a stable marriage but you don't have to give up hot sex with new and exciting people. And you don't have to wonder if the other person is eyeing up someone else or sleeping with someone else, because you know they are and you know who it is!! Maybe there's something to be gained from making the fruit unforbidden, if that's a word. I suppose the danger is that someone might fall in love, but that could happen anyway.

No, no, you're getting mixed up with the free-use kink. Of course hotwives choose who to sleep with! Being a hotwife doesn't mean that anyone can "use" her like an object! It's a woman who sleeps with a man who isn't her husband, with his agreement and permission, and often his presence. But of course she chooses who and consents to it!

Not a swinger and I don’t think I know anyone who is but I’m another who doesn’t get the outrage. Some of the comments are downright nasty. No harm is being done so live and let live. Some people garden for a hobby, others have sex.

Erm, I'm fairly certain people into the 'free-use' kink choose and consent too, and can actually say no, or it would just be rape and abuse. So I'm not really seeing a significant difference.

polyamory is when you turn it into a throuple or more, as in dating altogether

Me too. As long as everyone consents and no one is getting hurt, there is surely no issue?

@CrazyMidgetis correct- these are totally different sexual practices with different sources of turn on.

Hot wifing has nothing to do with indiscriminate sex or being available to everyone in any way, and it does not come from the idea of hot-desking. Some of the language around this in the thread - comparing women to furniture - has been pretty offensive.

Hot wives simply have sex with men beyond their husband. They choose their partners just as carefully as anybody else who is non exclusive. They may have sex like this often or just now and again. Generally it is seen as a very empowered position of sexual choice, confidence and agency. It may be with one or more people- very often it’s just selected one to ones.

Free use, yes it is consenting, but the point of it is to put yourself in the submissive position of serving others, as they like, within the pre agreed boundaries…Men or women might have this as their kink. The agreed boundaries tend to be relatively wide in order to meet the concept of ‘free use’, but the boundaries are established in advance, then within those guidelines, the person can be ‘used freely’ by the people they have agreed can do this. The person can of course always say no or change their mind, but this would be more of a ‘breaking the scene’ scenario. The turn on for the person in free use is generally about a sense of abandon/ surrender/being used etc…. It is far, far less common and has made it into the popular imagination due to its shock factor. But the key to it is surrendering within agreed boundaries. A person could even do it with their spouse alone, within a boundary of a two hour space…. It is basically handing over trust and saying “the choice is yours!…. (Until I say stop/ change my mind).”

Where does the term 'hot wifing' come from then? I've been told recently by people I know IRL that the term comes from hot bunking, so I'm curious to know what you think it is?

In the context of the previous discussion, pp basically implied that in 'free-use' the person isn't required to consent, and doesn't choose their partner, which obviously isn't the case given that at any point they can say no - which makes it their choice that they consent to. So aside from some theatrical role play, it's not really significantly different when it comes to having sex with other people (not regarding the rest of the practice) - it's still just a person consensually having sex with people who aren't their spouse, with the spouse's full consent.

I would have thought presumably OP does it because she really gets off on swinging and enjoys it. It's not my thing but each to their own.

However, now I've read she doesn't orgasm from the swinging then I sort of agree with you. I don't get it 🤷‍♀️

The sex people on the Sex board seemed to think that was the definition of hotwife.

Surely the woman consents whoever she is having sex with whatever the term is.

This seems harsh. Otoh I personally wonder where people get the time! Same for people very into BDSM and definitely polyamory.

Yes, I think there's 2 things here. One is sociosexuality, wanting to have sex with different partners, who you may not know well or at all. Men tend to have higher sociosexuality, but sometimes women do.

Having high sociosexuality doesn't mean someone wouldn't want monogamy though. I think people like OP are rarer , in that they want to keep having casual sex within their relationship and presumably don't feel jealousy etc as most would. Rarer still, probably, are people who want multiple committed relationships, ie polyamory, but they exist.

Re this claim upthread : 'men are biologically programmed to orgasm and it can be harder for women.'

It's true male orgasm is biologically programmed to be very likely during PIV (although men can ejaculate without orgasm and vice versa)..

But the clitoris exists for a reason. Natalie Angier wrote a great book in 1999 called Woman : An Intimate Geography, and it describes the clitoris in this way :

'The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibers, to be precise. That's a higher concentration of nerve fibers than is found anywhere else on the body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice the number in the penis. All this, and to no greater end than to subserve a woman's pleasure.'

The female potential for orgasm is definitely biologically built-in. The difference from men is that it isn't necessarily built-in to be easiest to achieve via PIV. But PIV isn't the only kind of sex, so it's not that female orgasm is very hard necessarily no matter what you do.

As pp pointed out, there's also the issue of the distance of clirotis from urethra. If it's nearer, it's easier for a woman to orgasm via PIV.

We don't know for sure but it makes sense biologically for sex to be enjoyable for women too, as humans pair bond and it promotes pair bonding. Some think that orgasm often requiring stimulation beyond PIV could be-at least partly-so as to encourage women to prefer committed mates who are invested enough to do stuff beyond PIV. Female orgasm occurs in many other animals, probably for similar reasons.

Is also was under the impression hot wifing was from hot bunking or hot desking. So if that’s wrong , curious what it is.

reading rhe ops posts, she was very young when this started, and it does appear her husband likes to watch her have sex with other men, or go and have sex with other men and come back and tell him about it.

she says it was a mutual fantasy but a 25 year old female fantasising about swinging and shagging men when her partner watches will be very rare. A man in his 30s, with a cuckold fetish is much more common,

AI’s take…

Hotwife

Etymology and Spread

• Word Combination: The slang term combines "hot" (meaning sexually attractive or desirable) with "wife".
• Early Internet Usage: It first appeared around 1996 on early internet message boards and newsgroups dedicated to alternative lifestyle choices.
• Personal Ads: The phrasing gained wider circulation by 1997 in online personal ads where husbands sought to showcase or share details of their desirable wives with others.

Ew 🤢 Wives as sexual objects, graded as meeting some pervy men's standard of 'hotness', to be shown off by their husbands like prize dogs for their sexual satisfaction... Gross.

Very true! Especially given it started so early into the relationship.

My brother, who travels a lot for work, told me that among the reasons he doesn’t cheat on his wife is “It’s hard enough to keep one woman happy. And lying is just too much work. Anyway, I love her and I know it would kill her if I cheated.” OP doesn’t seem to lie, and her husband, oddly to me, seems to encourage her to have sex with other men and likes watching it. It just seems a lot to juggle and seems sad and empty to me. Not saying she’s a bad person. Just saying her and her husband’s choices would not be the ones my husband and I would make.