AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

Very strange thread and I’m not quite sure your reason for posting or what responses you are looking for.

To answer your questions

Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life?

Yes, obviously. Do you really need to ask?

Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

How can you possibly question if you are unreasonable to suggest a vasectomy? I do wonder what is going on in your marriage that makes you question this.

He doesn't want anyone "messing about down there" with him but is quite happily risking you having another high risk pregnancy that he's fully aware you don't want - and his response is "your body your choice", as in he'd support someone "messing about down there" with YOU to terminate a pregnancy if you didn't want to go through with it!? Unbelievable. How can you feel sexually attracted to him? He's all about himself with zero care for you. He won't have a simple low risk procedure but doesn't consider the (high!) risks to you at all.

My cousin got pregnant recently at the age of 42. She and her husband had used the pulling out "method" for many years without a problem - until suddenly there was a very, very big problem. They went through the absolute wringer and it affected both of them and their relationship a lot. Then she miscarried, which was another ball game to cope with emotionally. Stop needlessly risking something like that.

After having four children and spending years on contraceptives, I would find it very, very hard to respect a man who would not go through a bit of discomfort to protect his wife’s health, mental well being, finances, happiness and comfort.

I think it’s an easy trade off for what the OP’s body has been through.

50% of women age between 41 and 43 will fall pregnant within one year is the latest stat. Even if you look at 5% per cycle cumulatively, it gives a much higher percentage over a period.

Many of my friends and previous antenatal groups are having babies in their 40s. It’s not a risk I’d want to take if I had four kids already

After 4 kids I refused to go anywhere near my husband until he had a vasectomy. There was not going to be any more sex because I could not have any more children. He had the vasectomy fairly quickly.

56% age 40-45 became pregnant in one year https://www.naturalcycles.com/cyclematters/average-time-to-get-pregnant-by-age

I think a lot of the ivf studies are unfortunately from people who already have fertility issues. As OP has easily had four children, I wouldn’t be taking chances.

Do you have a source for that 50%? That's not what I'm seeing. One of the links above says 1-2% in a year of trying. ETA: Actually, that's for women aged 42-43. Your stat includes women who are 41. Big difference - although I'd still be really surprised if it's 50 percent at 41. That's at odds with all the stats I can see and have ever read, which is quite a lot.

The chances aren't cumulative. That's not the way the maths works with this. Because each time your try, your body doesn't know or care how many times you've tried before.

The older I get the more I see how unfair the whole contraception thing is on women and how many heterosexual men manipulate women. Whether casual sex, married sex both people should take responsibility for stis and pregnancy, not just women. It really makes me upset and worried as I have two daughters and can’t see this getting any better for them.

Condoms are only like 82% effective with normal use btw.

But that's including 40-year-olds, which is a far cry from 42-plus, reproductively speaking. And there's a big difference between 41 and 42, as well. One of the links I posted has stats for 42-43, and it says 1-2% in a year of trying with no help.

I would stop having sex, you know exactly what could happen.

Some of the responses on here are mental!

OP you can't force him to have a vasectomy in the sane way as he can't force you to be sterilised.

Condoms is the only option even though they're awkward. I am a similar age and we do a similar thing, ie no condoms when I'm on my period / just after or when my period is due. Occasionally he's pulled out if no condoms available but we don't make a habit of it.

Tell him you don't want him messing about down there until he takes responsibility.

You sound like another one with your head in the sand.

DH had a vasectomy after our 4th was born, I'd had a stillbirth and 2 sections and was told that another pregnancy would be extremely high risk. My body didn't do pregnancy/birth that well in truth. I don't even think we discussed it, he just went off to the GP and arranged it.

You're playing with fire, OP. And it's you that will get burnt.

Get a copper coil fitted! I hate hormonal contraception with a passion - copper coil has been great.

If they are 42-plus, I expect some froze their eggs earlier or are using donor eggs. To have a lot of women 42-plus being pregnant naturally is not what the stats would suggest, at all. There's a much, much greater chance of pregnancy at 40, and even to some extent 41, but at 42-plus, natural pregnancies are quite rare. They don't seem to be because of all the individuals that pop up and say they got pregnant at 42, 43 etc. but that doesn't change the fact that it's rare at 42-plus. Your eggs die pretty fast the older you get, so a few months can make a real difference, which is why there's a big difference each year at 40 and over.

If the OP is 42, I doubt she could get pregnant naturally even with all the trying in the world. But she should use some form of contraception to be sure, absolutely.

Exactly. That's a daft suggestion 🙄

People are saying that condoms are the only option, but please don't forget about the diaphragm-with-spermicide option!

I wouldn’t discard the Mirena coil OP? Minimal hormones

I don't think it's reason to leave. And furthermore imagine all the children affected by an unnecessary divorce. People just tell others on here to leave their partners without proper info

"The chances aren't cumulative. That's not the way the maths works with this. Because each time your try, your body doesn't know or care how many times you've tried before"

Ah, somebody who understands statistics. Informative post.

He won't get a vasectomy because he's quite like another child. OP doesn't want another child so needs to take control of her fertility. Condoms every time seems the fairest approach.

He’s told you he wouldn’t mind one more! I think you’ll find yourself pregnant soon enough, unless you change to a more reliable form of contraception.

@FloofBunnyno the ones I know were all natural conception, but for two women who did it alone with their own eggs and sperm donors at 43 and 45.

The link you provided is from an egg freezing company. I clicked into the actual study, and it was studying only those who were already receiving help for infertility problems. That can skew the results.

And by cumulatively, it’s a way they often look at the stats here. So roughly 5% per cycle, is roughly 50-60% a year. It’s not saying your body knows, it’s looking at the chances of multiple 5% a months happening