AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

You realise precum can carry sperms?

Youve been lucky. DH saying trust me ill can pull out is wild, and if he didnt want more babies he defo would at least wear a condom everytime

Anyway sorry to derail OP!

I know someone else who did this, yes an accident happened, but then there was a miscarriage. You're less likely to hold at 42 anyway.

If the worse happened, would you have an abortion?

Your chances of conceiving are higher if you’ve already had pregnancies, which the OP clearly has.

OP there’s no way I’d be relying on pull out. I’ve had risky pregnancies and I made it clear to DH if he fancied having full sex then he’d need to get a vasectomy. He waited a little while to decide but went through with it.

In your shoes I’d be saying no way. At least you now know why he wasn’t bothered about getting the snip, as he wants another baby!

Not sure why it is solely his responsibility when you can use contraception yourself - just go and get a mirena coil fitted. You’re covered for 5 years and they are even used as HRT so will support you through the perimenopause with a view to having further could fitted after the menopause. Your body, your choice.

Just rely on the abstinence method

I once went on a date with a 40 odd year old single dad with 4 kids. He told me his ex wife had wanted him to get a vasectomy but he refused as he might meet someone else and wanted more children 🙄

I casually told him most woman wouldn’t be wanting to start a family with a man his age and blocked him as soon as I got home.

I don’t think it’s uncommon though.

So your advice is ‘your husband is abusive, you should leave him’. Slightly extreme response don’t you think? Is there anything you want to share about your life?

Ridiculous, over dramatic post.
Mumsnet at its finest 🙄

Their info. on the chart about chances of pregnancy by age comes from the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. Not sure if you can see the source line under the graph in this snip, but it's there. Looks like less than five percent each month for someone who's 40, the oldest age on the graph, but 42 is VERY different to 40 when it comes to this.

Every stat I've ever read says that the chances at 42 are vanishingly small. I do suspect some people are telling porkies in real life when they say it was natural at 45 or that it was IVF with own eggs. That would explain the gap between what the stats suggest and what some people are seeing around them.

In fact, the NHS and private clinics won't do IVF at 45 with own eggs because the chances of success are too low. Most won't do it past 43, and certainly not at 45. It's possible that the 45-year-old that you know froze her eggs, which is the only way own-egg IVF would be tried. Regardless, I think a lot of people are not being honest, and the most likely scenario is that the 45 yr old used a donor egg. I wouldn't admit to that, either, because the child should be the first to know when they are old enough. But it's a pity for other women, because it gives the impression that things which are possible, aren't.

Chances aren’t cumulative once they have come and gone. They are cumulative when you’re staring at all the chances from the beginning of the time period.
Take the example of tossing a coin. You aren’t more likely to get heads this time just because last time you got tails. Same thing with pregnancy stats. Just because 50% of women aged 40-42 or whatever it was will get pregnant within a year of trying, your 5% chance of conception per month doesn’t improve because you’ve been trying to 6 months and nothing has happened yet.
But similarly the chances of getting at least one heads in 12 coin tosses yet to be tossed is much much higher than 50%. But if you’ve already tossed eleven tails in a row then the twelfth toss is still a 50/50 chance and not a sure thing.

Yes. Just like you have 50/50 chance of having a boy or girl. Doesn't matter that you already have 6 daughters.

Personally I’d find the idea of another baby in my 40s awful for physical reasons and mental wellbeing reasons. I’m definitely maxed out with working full time and my current children who I adore - and would worry they would suffer if I had attention on a baby.

So my DH had a vasectomy. In other circumstances - both health and wealth- we would have had another. But both agreed this was the sensible decision. It was a pretty straightforward process. Apparently more awkward than anything. Recovery took a month or so. But a year later it was definitely a good choice for us.

My DH was more in the pro babies camp but he volunteered to do the vasectomy because the health impact on me of another baby would have been huge and he knows that.

I think you need to confront this or you’ll end up having an abortion in horrible circumstances.

You have to be careful about the different between natural pregnancies at this age, and successful births. Unfortunately it can be not so difficult to fall pregnant but then many of those pregnancies are not viable and result in miscarriages. And no one wants to deal with that kind of stress when more effective contraception is available (including vasectomies).

Knew someone whose husband did this after a similar(but slightly different) circumstances. She was devastated as she wanted to decide as a couple what to do next. It should be a joint decision if you are a couple.

I'm not sure how true that is. Even 40 years ago it was day surgery with a light GA and I was back at work after 2 days with 2 clips on each tube and two tiny holes in my belly, so I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it, but I think you'd find it hard to get anyone to agree to do it on the NHS these days.

But it's a pity for other women, because it gives the impression that things which are possible, aren't.

I got that the wrong way round and now can't edit. It should say "gives the impressions that things which aren't possible, are."

It’s a 5% chance every month. So over a year, the chance of getting pregnant is 1- (0.95 ^ 12) which is close to 50%. The chance over 2 years is closer to 70% (1 - (0.95 ^ 24))

if you have one roll of the dice, you are unlikely to roll a 6, but do it 12 times and it would be odd to not get a six at all. The dice also doesn’t know about your previous rolls.

For the pregnancy, get a non hormonal coil fitted. It took me two visits to my gp (one to ask for it, one to get it fitted) - about 30mins of my time in total, and then you are good for 5years.

My exhusband had a vasectomy when our youngest was 5 months old. The doctors surgery did them on Friday afternoons in a separate area from the main waiting room. Very quick and totally straightforward procedure. I dropped him off and picked him up again afterwards. His testicles were bruised and a bit sore but paracetamol was all that was needed. They did them on a Friday so you were back to work on Monday with no issue.

Yes, you are being reckless and incredibly stupid. No doubt you’ll be all woe is me when you get pregnant, as if some terrible fate has befallen you.

You do realise that sperm live for a week inside you? And possibly more. Using condoms for a few days around ovulation isn’t enough.

Oh yes, falling pregnant and delivering a baby are very different things at 42-plus. Unfortunately the stats don't say if they mean conceptions or live births.

All women should use contraception until 12 months past their last period. Because as you say, who wants to deal with the stress and unpleasantness of a miscarriage?

But if the plan was always to have 7 children (and none of these imaginary children have been born yet) then the odds of having 6 girls in a row is not that high. - a 1.56% chance actually. But then that’s the same odds as having any specified order of six girl/boy births. So you also have a 1.56% chance if your first baby being a girl, second a boy, third a girl, fourth a boy, fifth a girl and sixth a boy. But the odds of having half boys and half girls in any order are much higher, and the odds of at least of the six being a boy are much much higher again.

You’re totally mad, especially if he doesn’t think another baby is a bad thing and he’s the one that you’re relying on to pull out. He also sounds selfish.

I've a suspicion that you're pro choice but you wouldn't want to have an abortion yourself.
And your husband knows that so he's engineering things so you get pregnant again and you can't get out of it. He's got you where he wants you.

You're saying now that the four kids are a bit older life is slightly less relentless etc. Are you perhaps spreading your wings a small bit OP ?? and he doesn't like that he doesn't have you under his full control?
Do you work, or are you considering it?

So you drip fed a bit here. Your initial post sounded like pulling out was the only form of contraception you were using, didn't mention condoms...? Which is why you got some of the initial responses you got.