AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

Use condoms every time or consider using the copper coil (non hormonal, but it does make your periods heavier). With perimenopause coming up, you might end up on hormone adjustments anyway, so it's worth thinking through your options now.

I would not want another child in my 40s either. You're just getting your life back.

Are you saying that your friend had a baby naturally at 49? If so, you do realise that the chances of her fibbing about how the conception came about are vastly higher than that actually happening! It's MUCH more likely that she had IVF with her own eggs frozen years before or that she used a donor egg. Delivering at healthy baby at that age with no help is textbook rare.

I think there are a lot of older mothers out there who are being economical with the truth about their conceptions, which I get, but it's also annoying and frustrating because of the false impressions it gives other women - especially younger women who think that because three women at work apparently conceived naturally at 43-plus, they can wait, too.

The chances of falling pregnant at age 42 (mother’s age) for a couple who have already had 4 babies with no need for fertility treatment are not going to be the same as for the majority of fertility clinic clients who have probably been trying unsuccessfully to fall pregnant with their first child for months or years already.
And the definition of good odds/ acceptable risk is not the same when you want to fall pregnant and when you want to avoid falling pregnant.

Because he’d be quite happy for you to put YOUR body through another pregnancy but not have someone’mess about down there’ on his?

nice.

He said he wouldnt mind trying for one more! Of course he wouldnt ,hes not the one going through pregnancy ,morning sickness ,BF and of course Childbirth itself. TBH OP I think you are being naive here.Unless you want an unexpected pregnancy, you have to protect yourself .DH needs to use condoms if he doesnt want a Vasectomy, which hes entitled to refuse but only if he uses condoms all the time .I think a chat with GP for your options would be best .

Why is this AMA?

This doesn’t sound like a nice relationship to me, like there is an imbalance somewhere and not an equal partnership.
If he doesn’t want the snip and you are happy using condoms then fine, but having unprotected sex and pulling out means you have to accept you might get pregnant again.

@bigyellowduster Yes this.
Because "messing about down there" for a simple vasectomy is far, far more painful, riskier and invasive than giving birth. It's also far more mentally difficult than becoming pregnant with an unwanted baby.
Rubbish.
He is selfish. End of.

Women keep being told that and it may be statistically less likely but I seem to know several.women who conceived in their 40s. 42, 44 and 45 actually.
You are clearly fertile.
I mean if a 40 + woman gets pregnant the fact that others don't wont make them less pregnant.

You absolutely need some sort of help with this book an appointment with the nurse and they will find you something that works! Don’t have an accidental pregnancy at your age you don’t actually want. Until your appointment use condom every time.

Wouldn’t the copper coil be a suitable contraception? That’s non hormonal.

Yeah, I'm beginning to realise that the huge gap between what the stats say and the fact that lots of women on MN know so many women who had natural pregnancies at 42-plus means that most women who conceive at that age are not being truthful about how it happened.

I mean, 43 is the cut-off age for IVF because it won't work even when the sperm is forced into a pre-vetted egg, so how likely is is that all these dozens of women that have been mentioned on this thread have conceived naturally at 42,43, 44 and, in one case, 49? I just don't believe it.

"You are clearly fertile."
No, the 42-plus lot are clearly lying.

Sex with a condom EVERY TIME or no sex. Very simple and obvious.

I am sure he had no issue with you being messed about down there 🤢 when you gave birth to his children. Or indeed, likes messing about there himself 🤢 🤢

I’m sorry but him not wanting to be “messed around with down there” but he’s quite happy for you to go through pregnancy and birth (likely high risk given your age and the last experience) is the most ridiculously selfish thing I’ve heard on here for a long time. Of course he’s not fussed about another, it has absolutely not impact on his body or heath but he seems very blasé about your health and wellbeing though.

The choices are

No sex
Dh has a vasectomy
You go back on the pill or other more reliable contraceptive
You get sterilised (don't see why you should though)
run the risk of pregnancy

Can't think of any more

Put a condom on every time. It's that simple. Another baby or an abortion would be much harder than taking a moment to put a condom on. I cannot understand how someone in your situation would risk it.

I got sterilised for this very reason. It's the most liberating thing I've ever done 😊

Yes of course you are mad. You already have 4 children which, let's be honest, is a lot and yet you are risking having more!

Your husband is selfish and even more stupid to even think about another child.

If he won't have a vasectomy then I would not be having sex with him. Thankfully my husband is not selfish and it was him that suggested he have a vasectomy.

I think there are some very odd takes on this situation. You have four children, your husband would like a fifth. You wouldn’t. You don’t want to use the pill or have your tubes tied (I assume). He doesn’t want a vasectomy. There are still other options, that don’t involve winging it. Nobody is evil or controlling.

This could have been written by me. What happened next was an unexpected 5th at 43. It has been tough, although of course we love her. After this pregnancy I had a coil fitted. I also had reacted badly to hormonal based contraception. The coil has been life changing. Also noting that it is the first thing you need if you need HRT going into the peri-menopause as it gives progesteronewhich may be on the horizen given your age. Have you ever thought about a coil? You really don't want to be pregnant at 45+ (if your family is completeno judgement for those who choose this.)

You’re not unreasonable. I’m sure lots of people are saying his body his choice, but he’s being downright disrespectful and isn’t showing much love towards you is he? Don’t ignore it, his actions are telling you exactly what he thinks of you.

People do conceive naturally in their 40s. The stats are low but it's very possible. My grandaunt had all her 3 kids in her 40s. My grandmother had 3 in her 40s too, the last one at 45. I have a 95 year old friend who had a baby at 43 and then another at 49. These were all pre the existence of IVF.
My best friend had a surprise baby at 44 (didn't know she was pregnant, went to doctor with abdominal pain and had a baby in her arms 8 hours later)

Funnily enough, your example isn’t as clear cut as it seems. After two same sex children there’s an increased rate of the same sex in any subsequent children. (If you Google, the AI answer may tell you it’s 50/50 but if you look down the results you should see the studies.)

I did conceive naturally at 42 and gave birth at 43. I'm not saying it's common--just that it did happen to me. I think the narrative that it can't happen can be very easy to believe, but nature doesn't work in certainties, hence my own surprise baby at 43. I had pretty much thought it couldn't happen.

For everyone who believes that pregnancies in much older women must be medically assisted I'll tell you about an old friend's MIL. Very strict Catholic lady, so no artificial contraception ever used. She had 8 children and her last 2 were born when she was 50 and 52! My friend's husband was the one born when his mum was 50. His younger brother (the one born at 52) had Klinefelter syndrome and a lot of associated problems. This was all in the 1960s so obviously these conceptions were all totally natural. I always felt so sorry for that poor woman. Fortunately for her she'd married "late" by the standards of the time so hadn't started having children until 33 or God knows how many she might have been forced to have!