AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

AMA ok I will ask

Why don’t you get sterilised then ?

or use condoms every time ?

would you want /cope with an abortion ?

For an adult woman you are a little stupid

you have 4 kids - don’t want a 5th really - had a high risk preg last time and getting life back

yet risk getting preg everytime you don’t use anything pull out

I don’t know why this has derailed into their being no chance of getting pregnant in your forties, but of my great-aunts who had their pregnancies in the 1950s in ireland (no IVF and no donor eggs) they respectively had their last child at 40, 44, and 43 (and there were no older daughters or nieces whose children they were trying to pass off as their own).

i work with a woman who had a surprise pregnancy at 45 with much older children, I’ve a few friends who conceived easily at 42 who I know well enough I would 100% know if IVF was involved. Whatever about statistics at population level, this is a woman who has successfully had four children and is having regular sex, at an age where ovulation can suddenly shift and the body tries to throw o it one last good egg.

im the same age and track my cycles with my watch for my mood and my cycles have definitely started shifting timing. I think you should talk to your husband about the fact you are 100% able to imagine going through another pregnancy and use condoms 100% of the time. A friends husband similarly wanted one more and was wary of a vasectomy- until he realised she was 100% on never having another child and he booked one in.

I think you need to communicate a lot more clearly as you are setting yourself up for disaster.

I had the Depo provera jab for 5 years. The added advantage for me was that it completely stopped my periods. I didn't have any of the side effects I'd had with the pill. I can't have the coil because of a heart thing ( murmur). Would that work for you Op. Its one injection in your bum every 3 months

This.

Tough one.

I think if you are done having children then you have to take the initiative now to prevent another pregnancy.

From your post he doesn’t seem to respect your decision to not want to have another child and this is something I would
address head on.

All in all it sounds like he wants more kids and that might be an issue for you in the future.

Why not use a diaphragm? Environmentally friendly option, always to hand, able to have and enjoy naked cock sex.

We have a couple as always good to have a spare, used them with my dh for 14 years, no problems and max pleasure!

“Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life?”
YES

“Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?”
NO. You’ve done your bit by going through four pregnancies and births and being on hormonal contraception in the past. He can do his bit by going for a very common, quick procedure which pales in comparison to what you’ve been through.

Are you sure you're not 14? of course he should have a vasectomy or you should get on the coil or another long acting contraceptive method.

Have you thought about names for baby no 5?

At your ages I’d be very worried about a 5th child having extra needs. Could you cope with that on top of four existing children? You sound like a couple of irresponsible teens to be honest.

Denial of the risk you are currently running of another pregnancy by using the pull out method.

I know at least 2 women who had an accidental baby at your age. Actually slightly older.

And the risk is greater given your DH doesn’t mind if you get pregnant again so isn’t necessarily going to be all that careful in the moment.

You are clearly quite fertile with 4 kids by the age of 42. You need to be more careful if you don’t want another child.

You are both being irresponsible.

OP you’ve had 4 children. You know how babies are made. You’ve said you don’t want any more babies. Yet you AND your DH refuse to accept that the pullout method clearly risks another pregnancy and continue to do it. I’m not sure what you want out of this thread tbh 🤷‍♀️

I really would be going back on the pill or patch or ring or something until menopause personally. I have 3 kids and would ideally not be taking any contraception

“he’s never said no to me wanting to use a condom”

So then use condoms every time! Why are you taking stupid risks?

You're both being very irresponsible here.
You've said you don't want another, he needs to accept that.You both need to have a serious discussion about contraception.

I am currently pregnant with 3rd baby and wouldn't want anymore after, nor would DH, but he won't consider a vastectomy due to medical anxieties about it.
I don't get on mentally with hormonal contraceptives and won't take combined pill anyway due to concerns about the blood clot and breast cancer risks.

HOWEVER unless we have been trying for a baby, i would never have sex without a condom.I would just prefer to be doubly covered once our family is complete for extra precaution.

You need to sort this pronto before a mistake happens, as it would be dreadful to have an abortion for a pregnancy which could have been easily prevented.It's lucky you haven't had it happen already.

There are so many people in threads like this who know lots of women who get pregnant naturally at 42-plus....this is completely at odds with all the stats and I suspect a lot of people are not being truthful about their conceptions. And why would they be - it's private. Also worth remembering that donor eggs are especially private because you don't want anyone knowing before the child is old enough to be told. While not telling the truth about your conception is understandable, it's a pity for women as a whole because it makes older-age pregnancy seem much more likely than it really is.

OP, I doubt you have much to worry about at your age. You must be coming up to 43, which is the age no IVF clinic will even undertake own-egg treatment because the chances are so low that it doesn't work even when you force the egg and the sperm into a dinner date in the petri dish. but of course you should still use contraception until 12 months after your last period, just in case. And to save you the agony of miscarriages, too.

I absolutely understand why you can't use hormone based contraception, not every woman can. You are relying on the 'pull out method', and currently have 4 children. Your husband uses a condom when you're ovulating, but otherwise it's the 'pull out' method.

As you start heading into the perimenopause, your cycle will start being erratic, it will be much harder to track. You could end up with another pregnancy or more than one!

If your husband is refusing to have a vasectomy, then you can't force him to do so. No, you aren't unreasonable to ask him, but he's unreasonable to expect you both to rely on the 'pull out' method, because he doesn't want 'anyone messing around down there'. He's a grown adult, and contraception is just as much his responsibility as it is yours. The only other option, is for you to be sterilised. Yes, the recovery time will be longer than a vasectomy, and your husband will have to step-up to support you. Given the circumstances, it's the least he can do.

Personally, I'd be sterilised, I wouldn't be wanting any more pregnancies. You will be able to fully relax during sex too, without the worry.

Whilst I don't think it's abusive, I do think on some level you must be open to the idea of a fifth child because you must know your method isn't reliable.
HRTFT but did you never agree a permanent solution?
DH and I decided he would have the snip when I decided our family was complete. He started the process when I was pregnant with DC3. She was a newborn when it was done, conveniently whilst he was on paternity leave.
DH was open to a huge family, but I suffered with Hg and high blood pressure with all three DC. Each labour was also precipitous (no time for pain relief) including one back to back birth. He saw how much I went through to bring our DC into the world.
He agreed that because I'd carried our DC, the least he could do was have a vasectomy. It wasn't comparable, but we had also discussed that it was a far bigger surgery for women.
He didn't want me taking unnecessary medication and didn't like condoms. You need a permanent solution and whilst I think it's selfish for your DH not to have it done, if you don't want more DC the book stops with you.

Nobody should be 'happy to get an abortion' fgs! It is NOT a form of contraception!!

Oh I could have written this post OP…apart from I only have 2 kids and neither of us want more. To be honest at our age I think it’s more common than people realise, especially when people aren’t that fertile. Lots of us don’t want to use hormonal contraceptives as we head into menopause and the coil doesn’t suit everyone.

whilst I do wish men would get the snip - I don’t think people saying he’s abusive and you should ltb have their heads on.

Even with scar tissue from previous surgery (for a torsion of the testicles) my DH had his vasectomy done under local anaesthetic at a local community hospital.

Don't be naive to getting pregnant later in life. My friend had her youngest at 49. Her eldest DC was 25 at the time.

If it was me then my my legs would be firmly clamped together until he had the snip.

Men who have witnessed their wives go through child birth but refuse to have vasectomies are selfish arseholes in my opinion.

46% change at age 40 of getting pregnant within a year. The statistics works. Thanks so much for posting. That's an interesting Binomial example.

My ivf clinic used my eggs and I was 42 when had fresh egg collection - that cycle and fet after failed - but the 3rd from that cycle and 5th over all worked when I was 43

mini blondes is 9 at end of month and I’m heading up to 53