I’m a romany gypsy married to a non traveller AMA

[overstimulatedhermit]

For clarification I was married to a traveller and had 3 children. So I did go down the traditional route but he was very abusive and a narcissist and I’m now dealing with the aftermath of trauma and years of abuse. But that’s another matter, I wanted to start a thread because I know people would be curious about a gypsy marrying outside her culture.

Do you still see your traveller family? Do they like / respect your DH?

How old are you now?

Yes we’re very close to my family and do lots together, my family have never treated him any differently.

I’m in my 40s

Are there any traditions/cultural norms which you have kept that (initially) felt strange to your husband?
And any cultural norms which aren't part of your marriage?

I haven’t changed a bit and have kept all of them. He’s had to get used to not talking rudely around women and seeing young people get married but I’d say he’s used to it now.

@recordersaregreatforgot to another the last question. I think he initially found the domestic stuff a little hard at first like the cooking and cleaning and having everything done for him.

When you say “ seeing young people get married “ how young are you talking?

Did you finish secondary school? Do you find it hard seeing girls not doing so and therefore facing their future options limited, or is it something that you personally agree with?

Really interesting AMA, hopefully it remains respectful.

Do you live in a house now? Do your children attend school? Do you find that people are unnecessarily rude to you or judgemental ?

And my final question lol, is it common for women to leave the traveler groups? I was recently in a hotel and got chatting with a young Irish traveler woman who had a baby and the elderly Irish woman who was with them, and of course I didn't pry into her life just chatted and fussed the baby, but I came away feeling she was maybe being housed there due to an issue with a man. So I wondered if it's more common to leave abusive situations now?

16

I left at the end of primary so didn’t do secondary. In my opinion if children want to stay on until the end then they should do and a lot do. But for those that aren’t settled and have to be on the move then school isn’t possible. My children did finish school and even two of them went on to college but that’s because I live in a house.

Could you explain how you feel about the word "gypsy"? You've used it about yourself -- is it your preferred term? When I was a child I had a friend who called himself a Romany gypsy (he came to our school for a month or so every year when his family were in town) but since then I've become worried when I hear people say it's a slur. Is it a word you can say about yourself but we shouldn't say? Or is it fine if the person is actually Romany?

Do you still live within your community or have you moved? How did your family take you leaving your marriage?

Thank you for answering. More questions:

How did you meet your now DH - there's a traveller site near me, and I only ever see the girls in groups/with family. Were the 'rules' different for you as you already had children when you met him, and were, presumably, a bit older?

Are you in paid employment as well as doing everything at home? I confess I'm very grateful for my own DH's contribution.

Thanks!

Why do you tend to marry so young. Is it really consensual at 16, do they really know what they're signing up for. It's practically arranged for them isn't it? Are the guys often older?

Yes I’ve live in a house for 20 years and yes I have two left in school. Yes a lot of judgement and being followed around shops when I’m just browsing, it got so bad in one particular shop that I complained to the managers and arranged a meeting and now they are fine.

I wouldn’t say it’s common but it does happen. A lot of women now are leaving bad relationships because they have the support now, it’s not like years ago when it was frowned upon.

How does that work? It’s a criminal offence in the UK to get married under 18.

Not in Scotland its 16, possibly they take off to Gretna green in time honoured tradition.

no It’s not a slur. Gypsy or traveller is a fine term to use

I googled and it’s 16 in NI as well.

I live in a house in a town with a lot of travellers around, my family live in the same town so I guess I am kind of still living around my own community. My family were relieved to be honest because they could see the horrible state I was in and how I was being treated. But unbeknownst to them I was abused for another 7 years after I left.

You’ve mentioned your husband “having to get used” to your culture’s archaic attitudes towards women, to the expectation that women do all the housework, and to underage teenagers getting married. Why do feel he was the one who “had to get used to” all of this, if it made / makes him feel uncomfortable? Did you do any evaluation yourself of whether “getting used to” these things was preferable, as opposed to you acknowledging why he would find them uncomfortable?

I always feel sad when I see some folk having a go at your community. It’s usually because there’s been some mess left behind - though not any more than gadjes would leave in the local park after a beer festival.
Does your family still travel at all? Do they encounter hostility mostly or are there kind places where they are made welcome. I’ve read Yellow on the Broom and some books by Jess Stewart. They spoke of some landowners who welcomed travellers but it was in a time when there was more manual work available on the land.

When o left I got my own house and made friends with non travellers and I met dh through them. When you’ve been married before there’s no rules, my parents were just happy to see me moving on. No I don’t work atm I had a breakdown 3 years ago and was made medically retired from my job. In the last two years I’ve been diagnosed with bpd and adhd and cptsd