I’m a romany gypsy married to a non traveller AMA

[overstimulatedhermit]

For clarification I was married to a traveller and had 3 children. So I did go down the traditional route but he was very abusive and a narcissist and I’m now dealing with the aftermath of trauma and years of abuse. But that’s another matter, I wanted to start a thread because I know people would be curious about a gypsy marrying outside her culture.

Thank you for replying. I guess I’m never going to understand that fully as it’s not my background.
To me it just seems the same as people sometimes having to make a house move they don’t like for practical reasons- my grandma had to move to a retirement static caravan site from a large house for several reasons and it was just something she had to do, yes she missed her big house and space but that wasn’t an option and she had to put up with it, eventually she got used to it. Or someone who has to move a long distance from their ‘home’ for work- they may be very homesick but sometimes it’s just something that needs to be done.
However I can appreciate it’s a way of life I know almost nothing about so I’m sure I’m missing something in my comparison.

What do you mean that your husband had to get used to not speaking rudely around women?

So it's not quite the same. It's about being able to have your community around you as well as the type of place you live, and as you know there are plenty of folk who'd object very loudly if gypsies moved in to a house next door.

I've known Romany folk who would find living in bricks unbearable. My mum was from a Romany family but as the youngest was raised in a house, my aunts and uncles travelled a bit but it was made almost impossible by the police in the 90s. I think most people have no idea how hard travelling is, no rights to stop anywhere (slightly better in Scotland) and constant aggro from small-minded locals calling the authorities on families parking up for the night. There are problem families in the community, same as every community, but the handful of people I know still on the road travel responsibly and just want to be left alone. Plus have you seen the mess left after festivals and football matches?

Sorry for the rant...

I'm guessing it's not "rude" so much as avoiding any smutty jokes or swearing/bad language. Think of the "ladies present" mindset we all used to have, that's my experience anyway.

Thanks for answering. What did you spend your time doing between 11-16? What did your days l look like? You didn’t have a formal education in school, but was there any type of learning happening, in terms of reading, numeracy, history, general knowledge, … How do you feel you developed your skills and knowledge, even if it wasn’t through structured teaching?

I worked with/alongside the G&T community for many years and admired a great deal about the culture. I counted many as friends.
However there were concerns I had.
The absence if opportunities for girls and the tendency for the men to settle differences with their fists.
What are your thoughts?

That's really interesting - I sort of knew that but hadn't really connected the dots.

Is there a feeling in the community that more people would like to settle, if there was appropriate opportunity to do so?

Now that online learning is more of a realistic option, is there any drive within the community for travelling children to receive a secondary education through that route - for example, if an 'online' school was offered as a service, would many sign up for it?

In terms of abuse and DA, there is a perception of higher levels within the traveller community, but also that a lot of it is 'hidden'.

Obviously, massively generalising here and appreciate you can't speak for everyone but...

Do you feel that there is more abuse within the community, or is it the stereotyping that leads to that perception?

Where there is abuse, is there a tendency within the community to look the other way or to solve the problems from within?

From your experience did anyone know about the abuse you were suffering at the hands of your first husband and did they do anything about it or was the expectation that you just got on with it?

Traveller/gypsy men don’t speak infront of women and girls how they would speak amongst themselves.

This really isn't specific to travellers AT ALL.

Helping my mother at home, helping my granny, socialising with my friends. At 14 I was earning my own money working full time in a factory with some of my friends. I did that until I was 16.

In terms of learning, I feel like I learnt life skills that we all need. How to run a home, how to take care of kids, cooking. Money management. Great work ethic is taught to us very young, the men will take their boys as young as age 5 to work with them in the school holidays to show them that this is what you do to make money and get them used to it. Trying to teach an older boy this after they’ve experienced PlayStations and phones isn’t as easy because they’ve become complacent and lazy.

what opportunities do the girls not have? As for fighting, that’s how we deal with things and I’m fine with that.

I think people would like a place they can call home yes. As for online learning I can’t answer that on behalf of thousands of people.

Do travellers pay taxes? This is probably the biggest potential slur I hear people say when talking about the traveller community.

No I don’t feel like there is more, and people don’t really get involved in married relationships unless it got physically then a man would step in.

yeah he’s family knew but didn’t get involved.

I don’t know how in this day and age people are thinking travellers get away with paying taxes. I can’t even send £50 to my husband without it being held for 48 hrs while they investigate lol how the hell are travellers getting paid for the work they do?

@overstimulatedhermit

could a gypsy girl go to uni and become a doctor or solicitor or whatever she wanted?

Yes, why would she not?

@overstimulatedhermit

just because of the cultural norm to leave school early. And the expectation of girls getting married young and looking after the home etc.

We don’t tie are girls up they are free to have careers if they want to. Many do.

@overstimulatedhermit

thats great to hear! 😀

Why on earth are they investigating you giving your husband £50? Because you are a gypsy? Is that not considered unlawful and discrimination?

How old are your children? If they’re older do they prefer to do things the gypsy way or gorger way?

apologies if someone already asked too lazy to read the whole thread

No not because of who I am I think it’s just what they do now, they say it’s to prevent fraud incase someone is using your bank.

Why do fewer want to then? Do you think it’s mostly cultural or is it more a result of poor experiences in the education system (due to bullying or lack of support etc)?

I think it’s something like 7% Roma enter higher level education vs 37% young people overall. Not sure of the breakdown between the sexes. So I think it may not be as simple as they can if they want to if you see what I mean.