I'm a virgin and celibate by choice - ask me anything

[Vampirette]

As the title says, I'm a (very much adult) virgin who has chosen celibacy as a way of life for various reasons. If that's something anyone might be curious about, feel free to ask questions.

Some info about me that might be relevant to keep in mind (because I know there are a lot of negative stigma and stereotypes about adult virgins):

• I'm heterosexual (woman attracted to only men)
• Yes, I'm religious - but no, my religion is not the reason why I have chosen celibacy (as it actually very much discourages it!)
• I live in a European country I'm not native to. I originate from a Slavic country
• I'm not asexual, or lack sexual drive in any way. On the contrary, I have an extremely high sex drive
• I don't suffer from any mental or physical illnesses or disabilities that prevent me from physical intimacy. I'm in fact a very tactile person who loves to be close to people
• I'm not neurodivergent, shy, autistic, or anything else similar
• I don't have low self-esteem. Quite the opposite...
• I lead a very normal life. I have a family, friends, I went to Uni, have a great job, get on great with everyone I come across, I have lots of hobbies, and I spend a lot of my time travelling
• I don't have any issue with attracting men. Men do show a lot of interest in me, so my celibacy also does not come down to not having options

If 'so many' are doing that , it's just a fad, that's all .

Ah so I’m not the only one. We may be wrong of course but I was wondering this myself.

But no, I don't share your opinion that sex with men is hugely enjoyable

This is getting daft. From you OP. How the heck do you know if you haven't tried it?
If you had sex with a few men and said that... OK, fine. But you haven't even had sex with a man once!
It is hugely enjoyable with the right man I promise you.

Close to 0%, of course. But again, I'm not waiting or looking for any man, so I'm not concerned about the things you mentioned. Men can do whatever they want, I'm genuinely not complaining or asking of anyone to change their way.

Thank you for your post.

This seems to go much deeper than a near 40 year old virgin. If you’ve never had a relationship. Never been kissed. And never even met a man who you find physically attractive from what you’ve said, never even lived independently, your still with your mum and dad. You don’t pay bills. Run a house, but still live as a teen, but instead of school you go to work.

youre also explaining sex and relationships to people when you’ve no experience and they do.

i think if you’re happy then this is fine, but you don’t strike me as happy, can you explain what’s lead to this. Not wishing to live indepentely, not wishing to form relationships with a member of the opposite sex. Being fearful you will get used or dumped or pregnant. Was it your upbringing? Do you have siblings? Are your parents strict?

I dunno. I knew a couple of sisters who were not religious but were abstaining before marriage, which, unlike OP's situation, is unusual. Their reasons were quite similar to OPs.

OP, note: They were abstaining, not celibate. Priests are celibate. People not having sex unless or until they are married are abstaining.

I think she is actually celibate. She’s never had a relationship and doesn’t intend one as she’s never met a man she finds attractive,

Do your parents pressure you to get married?

Sure, but as I have mentioned, I'm not looking or waiting for men. I'm not dating at all, and I'm not "putting myself out there". But if I were, I still don't think you need to kiss and have sex in order to know the person. The actual person. It's a very new idea that you have to be physical with a person before you must commit to them seriously. But it's not really working out, in my opinion. Divorce rates are higher than ever. If having sex really helped, why are people not in better and more stable relationships than they were 60-70 years ago, when people usually waited until they were married?

@TheBoldHelper

I've known half a dozen or so virgins aged 30+ and they lived at home with their parents. I don't think it is that unusual a way to live for people in this situation, even if not typical.

OP I think that the reason quite a few people have reacted to you in a less than positive manner is because you are giving the impression that you regard women who have casual sex or sex before marriage as "lower quality".

I wouldn't judge anyone based on their sex life and find it a little sad that you seem to. I judge people on how they act towards others, not on whether or not they are virgins.

You are perfectly entitled to not want sex without marriage but you really seem to be very judgemental towards those who do not share that view.

Divorce rates are higher than ever. If having sex really helped, why are people not in better and more stable relationships than they were 60-70 years ago, when people usually waited until they were married?

I think the high divorce rates are probably more due to more women being financially independent and so able to leave and to divorce no longer being stigmatised, rather than fewer people being happy in their marriages. Its just that more of those who are unhappy are able to leave.

If you met a man you really liked, who felt like the ‘one’ you would most definitely want to kiss him!

Divorce rates being higher than ever is a great thing for women. No longer are we trapped in shit marriages with shit men. The sex is neither here nor there - people change with or without having it before marriage. You might understand that had you any experience at all.

This 100%

Some of your posts are coming across very patronising.

Great job, amazing parents, high self confidence, perfect mental health and very attractive... Loves sex but never tried it and doesnt need it?
Yeah right

I wouldn't. Though I do think she has started this post now as she has realised that she is highly unlikely to be married. My female muslim friends tell me that muslim women are pretty much unmarriable past the age of 30.

I think OP is embracing this label as she realises she will now never marry.

But that's because she never found a husband, rather than she decided not to have a husband as she was a celibate.

I remember having a few wabbles before my wedding day. My Grandmother pulled me aside for a chat. She said always remember the Arch Gabriel doesn't exist. At the time I didn't know what she meant. I now realise she meant it hypothetically as in if I'm looking for perfection in another human being I won't find it. I'm so happy I listened to her.

I read this somewhere once...the best sex you can have is with YOURSELF!! You know what you want/like etc better than anyone else||!! Loooool

I'm glad you're happy with your choices, OP, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into things. I think it's good for all of us to truly consider what we want, what our boundaries are etc. That way there is less chance of having regrets.

I don't know why so many posters are confused when you say you have a high sex drive. The one thing (feeling turned on) doesn't always have to lead to the other (actually having sex). If it did, many people would be having sex multiple times per day, every day, at very inappropriate moments!

I have had sex before marriage, but still see some similarities with your views. I never wanted sex with some random man, viewing it as risky and just not worth it. I have always dated for several months before actually having sex with someone.

I have actually always been puzzled by women who have one-night-stands (of course, I know it's none of my business what others choose to do). I have never felt the urge to immediately have sex with someone I've just met. I can't imagine what's that like. If I try to picture it I just get the 'ick', like you said.

I always find it fascinating how different we can all be!

I think even 60 years ago there were a lot of marriages that "lasted" because life after divorce was much harder, especially for women. Transport some of those relationships to 2024 and I reckon a good proportion would be heading for court. I just don't equate good marriage with a total lack of sexual experience in the way you seem to and I wouldn't see a man who valued virginity in a future wife as "high quality", the opposite in fact.

@Vampirette one thing has really struck me about your posts and that is the fact you don't talk about love and I wonder why.

I think that's quite a judgemental thing to say that someone's character is revealed by their sexual choices. I've had lots of fun sex without love which didn't hurt anyone as we were all consenting adults. I don't think it's any reflection on my character- I am loyal and monogamous.

I totally disagree with this - OP has literally listed out why she thinks she's a high quality woman, and IIRC not a single point was "I haven't had sex yet"?

And if she is judging - why do you care? If you give a shit about it, then surely that's because you've had some sexual experiences you kind of wish you hadn't. Thereby proving her right. Do you not have courage in your own convictions?!

I had loads of pre-marital sex. Don't regret any of it. Some of it resulted in my three kids. But I feel like OP and I would probably get along.

A very interesting and valid post. Love grows. Unless you are willing to nurture it and give it the opportunity to flourish without stamping on the embers before the flame is allowed to burn then there's little chance of it happening.

Yes, but in response to being asked if she felt her virginity made her superior OP also said:

”Yes, because I think people's sexual choices and behaviour says a lot about their character, and a lot about how much they care about themselves.”

Not sure how you can read that in any other way than it saying OP feels people who have had sex don’t care very much about themselves?

I think most people would take at least some offence at being told their totally safe and consensual sex life somehow means they don’t care about themselves.