I'm a virgin and celibate by choice - ask me anything

[Vampirette]

As the title says, I'm a (very much adult) virgin who has chosen celibacy as a way of life for various reasons. If that's something anyone might be curious about, feel free to ask questions.

Some info about me that might be relevant to keep in mind (because I know there are a lot of negative stigma and stereotypes about adult virgins):

• I'm heterosexual (woman attracted to only men)
• Yes, I'm religious - but no, my religion is not the reason why I have chosen celibacy (as it actually very much discourages it!)
• I live in a European country I'm not native to. I originate from a Slavic country
• I'm not asexual, or lack sexual drive in any way. On the contrary, I have an extremely high sex drive
• I don't suffer from any mental or physical illnesses or disabilities that prevent me from physical intimacy. I'm in fact a very tactile person who loves to be close to people
• I'm not neurodivergent, shy, autistic, or anything else similar
• I don't have low self-esteem. Quite the opposite...
• I lead a very normal life. I have a family, friends, I went to Uni, have a great job, get on great with everyone I come across, I have lots of hobbies, and I spend a lot of my time travelling
• I don't have any issue with attracting men. Men do show a lot of interest in me, so my celibacy also does not come down to not having options

😂😂 This! I had to have pre-marriage counselling from a Catholic priest before our wedding - I thought, what does HE know??

I agree that lots of things in life are hypersexualised but it's mostly a money thing, sex sells as they say. If it's that much of a fixation for you then I dare argue it's as bad as hypersexualisation. Nothing should take up THIS much headspace. By all means be selective about who you sleep with, bur it doesn't make.you special to refrain from it for your whole life, many people do (or in this case never do). It's really not a big deal, I can barely even remember my first time it is that unremarkable. And there's nothing wrong with being autistic.

I never said I felt judged by the OP. I was merely giving my opinion on how some of her posts came across.

I'm perfectly happy with the sexual choices I have made and if someone wanted to judge me because of them then that's up to them but they would be unlikely to be someone I wanted to spend any time with.

It still reveals stuff about you. It tells me you aren't deeply religious. You are probably someone who takes life as it comes, spontaneous. You are probably not cautious and conservative.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that how we live our lives obviously reflects our character. It is also completely normal to form opinions of others based on how we see them live their lives. Our opinions can be wrong, of course, but it's still normal to have them.

If there is someone out partying every night (or in the gym for hours a day, or voluntarily at work 100 hours per week etc.), I 'judge' that we're very different people and so wouldn't go out of my way to make friends with them. It's not that I think they're a bad person, just that their choices and interests are very different to mine.

Ok I admit I missed that.

Maybe most people would take offense but to me that seems just ridiculous. Sex is such a personal thing, who cares what some anonymous entity on the internet thinks about you or me having sex outside of marriage?!

My mother thought she was superior because she was a virgin on her wedding night.

She soon caught up with a series of affairs for the next three decades 🙄

No I agree, personally I’m not particularly bothered either way, it doesn’t impact my life regardless.

But I can see why considering the vast majority of people have had sex, most with multiple partners, some would take some offence to the statement that doing so must mean they don’t care for themselves or that they have some kind of bad character flaw as a result of a shag that wasn’t carefully protected by marriage vows.

It might reveal stuff about me but it doesn't reveal stuff about my character. It doesn't say if I'm spontaneous or not religious either nor does it imply I don't "care about myself' which is what OP suggested about people who have casual sex.

Sex is also something other people very much judge others on, too, often with double standards on many levels.
I’m not a prude, but my opinion is that sex should be personal and private, people should be more discreet and that unless it’s negatively affecting others, people should respect that privacy - but sex has become, for better and worse, an every day topic of conversation.
Also I have to laugh at the suggestion that having sexual partners outside marriage indicates you might not be religious. It’s not like any religion automatically makes everyone who follows it “pure” and nothing but well intentioned and everyone else is a lawless heathen. You can be a genuinely good, decent human being without religion or any kind of faith.

Divorce/separation rates are high because women have more options these days..contraception exists and they can generate their own income, two things missing in thr past which left them absolutely at the mercy of men. People weren't in happier relationships in the past, they had fewer choices in life, especially women. Also, sex varies massively in quality and what it does for you. I would never marry a man before I slept with him, I have slept with too many men who were frankly hopeless for me in bed 😂

OP's full quote was "Yes, because I think people's sexual choices and behaviour says a lot about their character, and a lot about how much they care about themselves. But in the end of the day, I actually don't care what people do! And they shouldn't care what I think of them."

If you have willingly had sex before marriage, then it shows that your religious beliefs are different to the OP's. It shows that you put a different value on sex than she does. It shows that you have different priorities in life than she does. It shows that you are different people with different beliefs. This is normal.

We all make different choices in life. What we choose and prioritise reflects on us. We all judge others, but that doesn't have to be a negative thing. I can think you don't share my values without thinking you are a bad person.

I think there’s way too much sex in mainstream culture that we stick out like sore thumbs if we are believed. But yes, I don’t care if I was believed, I was living my best life and didn’t feel FOMO, I suppose because I knew I could have sex whenever I wanted. It’s kinda empowering as I never felt any pressures while I can see friends around me sometimes agonising over sexual decisions and regrets.

I don't know if that last is aimed at me when I said someone who has sex isn't "deeply religious". If it is, let me clarify. Of course someone can be religious and still enjoy pre-marital sex. But if you are a deep (extreme? fanatic? I was trying to be diplomatic...) follower of the major monotheistic religions, then, no, you don't have pre-marital sex. Do you disagree?

I never wanted to be in a relationship, nor have sex at all. So I can kind of understand where you're coming from. Although I'm not concerned about sex before marriage.

Even as a Virgin I knew I was attracted to men, and what turned me on/off.

As it happened I met a man when I was 21 and lost my virginity to him. It didn't work out, bug shortly after met my husband and am very happy now.

I have a friend (we're 44) and she made the same decision as you, no interest at all in sex, relationships or anything. She has a very fulfilled life, lives on her own but is close to family, lots of friends, travels the world.

I like that you know your own mind, and have a position on this. Nowt wrong with it, and who says you HAVE to move out of home? There is no rule book.

She’s asexual then. The OP says she has a very high sex drive.

You can enjoy self pleasure but not enjoy men though.

What I find confusing is OP is writing off having relationships but at the same time saying she would wait until she’s married. Which one is it 🤷‍♀️

Do your parents encourage you to meet someone and get married?

It's more important to be with someone who is willing and open to try new things, and who doesn't take offence to guidance.

If a man stated this was his requirement in a marriage he could be seen as coercive.

You seem to be pinning your hopes on finding an amazing man who is perfect for you and also sexually compatible but if he isn't you hope he won't take offence to guidance?

What if he does? Or what if want he wants is different to what you want, will you be open to guidance? There's a lot more going on in sex than you are probably aware of which loads that people choose not to participate in. That might be a deal breaker for him.

You seem to be more open to divorce if it's not what you expected or want. Isn't it better to try it with the person you love first, rather than go through divorce simply because of sexual incompatibility?

Seems a bit of a barren existence .
A life of masturbation , but she’s never had a relationship or even kissed a man. Never been in love.

Have you even held hands with a man OP? Once that is not a relative?

Well it’s no wonder she hasn’t found her husband if she won’t date anyone.

I don't think she is writing it off.

She's saying she isn't actively seeking a relationship but should the universe drop a suitable man in her lap she wouldn't dismiss the idea of a relationship. Which I think is a very sensible position..

Divorce rates are higher than ever. If having sex really helped, why are people not in better and more stable relationships than they were 60-70 years ago, when people usually waited until they were married?

Divorce rates are higher than ever because women are able to vote, own property and earn their own money these days. 60-70 years ago women did not have the freedom to choose as they do now and weee reliant on men. Very much doubt sex had anything to do with the stability of a marriage.

She's 38 would think parents would have given up