I'm a virgin and celibate by choice - ask me anything

[Vampirette]

As the title says, I'm a (very much adult) virgin who has chosen celibacy as a way of life for various reasons. If that's something anyone might be curious about, feel free to ask questions.

Some info about me that might be relevant to keep in mind (because I know there are a lot of negative stigma and stereotypes about adult virgins):

• I'm heterosexual (woman attracted to only men)
• Yes, I'm religious - but no, my religion is not the reason why I have chosen celibacy (as it actually very much discourages it!)
• I live in a European country I'm not native to. I originate from a Slavic country
• I'm not asexual, or lack sexual drive in any way. On the contrary, I have an extremely high sex drive
• I don't suffer from any mental or physical illnesses or disabilities that prevent me from physical intimacy. I'm in fact a very tactile person who loves to be close to people
• I'm not neurodivergent, shy, autistic, or anything else similar
• I don't have low self-esteem. Quite the opposite...
• I lead a very normal life. I have a family, friends, I went to Uni, have a great job, get on great with everyone I come across, I have lots of hobbies, and I spend a lot of my time travelling
• I don't have any issue with attracting men. Men do show a lot of interest in me, so my celibacy also does not come down to not having options

Why did you post this info about yourself?

What are 'comfounds'?

No, I don't see sex as something static that can't change. If the sex you experience the first time was truly the quality of sex you could expect for the rest of your life, then there wouldn't be so many people complaining that their sex life has changed for the worse. It's more important to be with someone who is willing and open to try new things, and who doesn't take offence to guidance. Compatibility is more than that, of course, but I also don't believe compatability is completely static. It can change for the better or worse, depending on the effort put in.

See, this I just think is lovely. You didn't wait for an arbitrary life goal, just a person you felt comfortable with. You didn't legally tie yourself to someone before you knew if you were compatible. This feels healthy. Personally, I love it.

But it's very different from the OP, and she judges you for your position. I believe upthread she calls it 'low value'.

Said like someone who hasn't had a sexual relationship.

Sorry but your ideas about sex are a bit delusional. Sexual compatability is about a lot more than how much effort someone puts in.

Having known two people who treated their virginity as a prize for someone I can say that neither benefitted from it. One is now long past anyone seeing it as a prize and the other had her heart broken so badly she never got over it, even over forty years after the break up of her one and only relationship (which lasted less than four years).

I’m not saying that’s going to be you but the two examples I have known were certainly not very inspiring.

Again, nonsense. How can you get an urge for something you've never experienced.

I find this totally bizarre.

We (and all animals) have the urge and drive to have sex, whether we ever have it or not.

Generally starting properly from puberty.

Well, a lot of you seem to be very patronising about virgins, adults who live with their parents, etc. too. I guess it's easy to feel people are being patronising when they live and believe differently to how YOU would, right? I genuinely don't care what other people do. I'm just trying to share MY insights, because, as this thread illustrates: people just don't get it. Which is fine, you don't have to get it! But yeah, some of you are being a bit rude when you don't need to be.

Again, I have answered the question of having urges as a virgin many times now. You are welcome to check out my previous posts about the topic.

Well, I AM getting pleasure,a nd I DO enjoy it! I take care of my own needs. But no, I don't share your opinion that sex with men is hugely enjoyable. As I mentioned earlier, so far men have only given me the ick...would you think it's enjoyable to have sex with men you have the ick for?

The reading comprehension is absolutely amazing on this thread 🤣.

Do you date people? How would you get to know someone with the potential to marry them, hobbies? Family friends etc? I do think your life seems very nice, I wish you all the best.

Exactly, why don't you see why people are questioning how you can state you enjoy sex if you've never had sex? Of course you can experience sexual desire and enjoy masturbation, no one is questioning that, but that isn't the same. You cannot say you like sex or what kind of sex you enjoy as a virgin.

No you haven't you keep saying that people get sexual urges before having sex. Which is correct. But that doesn't explain how you can know you enjoy sex even though you haven't had it. You can imagine that you would enjoy it and you can say you like the idea of it, and you can say for sure you enjoy masturbation, you CANNOT say you enjoy sex.

I actually mentioned other reasons in the same post. They still apply.

Of course not. I suppose the better word would have been a suitable guy.

To play a bit of devil’s advocate with this though, I think there is a limit to how open anyone can be to trying to new things when they haven’t tried anything.

Take anal as an example, as a virgin you may think yes I’d be open to that, but it may be that once you’ve had vaginal sex for the first time you decide based on that anal isn’t something you’d be willing to try.

I also think your willingness to try new things totally depends on your sexual relationship with your partner. For example with my husband I would be open to trying almost anything once if he expressed an interest or if I was interested in something, but that’s based on a long time together, the fact he is a very kind and gentle partner in bed, the fact he prides himself on ensuring I am “satisfied”. Does that mean if I was single and met someone else I could truthfully say I’m open? No. Because actually I could find that person to be a selfish lover, too aggressive in bed or too rough in bed for me for example. I wouldn’t know those things until after I’d slept with them for the first time though.

Of course you can. I had sexual urges long before I ever embarked on a relationship. David Cassidy could have verified that, the amount of snogging his posters I used to do back in the day.

Best decision ever! So many Celebrities are going celibate too! It's so empowering!

Sadly a lot of women miss out on a potentially loving relationship due to the proverbial huge tick list.

When the least little thing gives someone the ick it's not surprising they miss out. Everyone would love to have the perfect partner who never annoys us, never disagrees with us, treats us with respect at all times and puts us on a pedestal. Apart from this being an absolute fantasy,it also sounds extremely boring. Give me my beautiful and wonderfully flawed DH any day. He doesn't always get it right, he can irritate the socks off me but I love him for all his positive and wonderful attributes and wouldn't change him for the world. Above all I he loves me unconditionally.

You are entitled to your opinion, it doesn't really concern me.

I already said I'm not waiting for anybody. Waiting for someone implies that I'm putting myself "out there" tob e found. I'm not. And I never said my lifestyle is extreme, I said it's uncommon. Please learn how to read and comprehend what you read. Thank you.

Are your parents involved in your life much?
Have they asked you about getting married?
How is your being single seen in your community?
Is there any pressure?
(I hope I am not offending you with these questions, it is not my intention)

😅👍

God this has rubbed people up the wrong way hasn’t it? There seem to be quite a few people who have a real problem with the OP’s perfectly valid choices.
Yes she might be missing out on Prince Charming. However, I bet that at least half the people being outraged on here are with someone who is okay, not great and who doesn’t necessarily enrich their life. There really aren’t that many good looking, attentive, clever funny men out there (or women). The women I know who gush about their other halves on social media leave out the bits where their guys have cheated, leave them to do all the housework and generally disrespect them. I think people feel a need to say they are blissfully happy because otherwise they have to admit that long term relationships aren’t all they are cracked up to be. And just read all the he’s on only fans/ he pushed me/ he stayed out all night/ he sent nudes to his ex posts on the Mumsnet relationships board. I don’t think it’s a huge loss to anyone to not be in a romantic relationship.

Interesting thread. Hypothetical situation for you - you're 90 years old and winding your life down, you never did meet the man who you considered worthy of giving your virginity to - is there any possibility that you might feel like you should have, at least once, had sex anyway, just for the experience? Do you think that you will be glad you held to your personal values or do you think you might feel like you perhaps missed out?

Yeah, I'm not financially reliant on my parents. I have a great job and I earn a great salary. Most of which get put away in savings, because I don't have living expenses to pay for aside from my personal ones. And my parents are not the only family I have, I actually have a pretty big family. And we are all very close.

Sure, and that's their right. As I said, I'm not looking or waiting for suitors, so I'm not concerned with what they want. I'm just living my life.

I thought masturbation is not allowed in your religion or have I got that wrong?

I'm also a virgin, south Asian and living with parents. However, I'm not of the same religion. Truthfully I am virgin because I'm ugly!

Well written, thank you.

As for divorce, I think it can be a very necessary part of life. Not at all against it. But it's obviously not a first resort to marital problems, in most cases. Exceptions being things like abuse, rape, infidelity, and so on.