I'm a virgin and celibate by choice - ask me anything

[Vampirette]

As the title says, I'm a (very much adult) virgin who has chosen celibacy as a way of life for various reasons. If that's something anyone might be curious about, feel free to ask questions.

Some info about me that might be relevant to keep in mind (because I know there are a lot of negative stigma and stereotypes about adult virgins):

• I'm heterosexual (woman attracted to only men)
• Yes, I'm religious - but no, my religion is not the reason why I have chosen celibacy (as it actually very much discourages it!)
• I live in a European country I'm not native to. I originate from a Slavic country
• I'm not asexual, or lack sexual drive in any way. On the contrary, I have an extremely high sex drive
• I don't suffer from any mental or physical illnesses or disabilities that prevent me from physical intimacy. I'm in fact a very tactile person who loves to be close to people
• I'm not neurodivergent, shy, autistic, or anything else similar
• I don't have low self-esteem. Quite the opposite...
• I lead a very normal life. I have a family, friends, I went to Uni, have a great job, get on great with everyone I come across, I have lots of hobbies, and I spend a lot of my time travelling
• I don't have any issue with attracting men. Men do show a lot of interest in me, so my celibacy also does not come down to not having options

As I have already explained, people don't have sex and THEN get an urge. You get an urge and THEN you have sex. People usually develop an urge for sex around the age of 15, when they hit puberty. Isn't this just basic biology? I don't quite understand all of y'all's confusion about the whole "virgin urges" thing. I ahve urges like everybody else, the only difference is that I don't active do something about them aside from taking care of my own pleasure.

If you won’t have a relationship how will you know if you’ve found the one? I mean unless you’re planning on ‘marrying at first sight’ surely you will have to embark on an actual relationship with someone before you’ve deemed them good enough to marry?

I admire your strength of character OP. It does sound as if you are primarily disappointed in the men you are meeting rather than an absolute resolve to pick celibacy over a committed and loving relationship involving sex after marriage.

There are many people from all walks of life who 'save' themselves for marriage so nothing unusual there. You sound as if you are not actively seeking a partner and would be perfectly happy being single which again is admirable.

I think this post is more about your fear of connection with others, rather than celibacy.
are you vulnerable with any one other than your parents?
are you an only child?

Again, nonsense. How can you get an urge for something you've never experienced.

I get urges to be a billionaire by that logic.

Have sexual urges is entirely different from enjoying sex fgs 😂

Oh boy. Are you really 38yo?

But you still can’t say you enjoy sex unless you’ve had actual sex. Yes of course you can have a sex drive, I’m celibate but still get turned on when I see my favourite celebrity (I only allow myself unattainable crushes now lol).

I think if we cannot accept ourselves as flawed, we will never tolerate flaws in others. No one is perfect.
I think, kindly, this might be worth looking at.

Thank you!

No worries, ask away.

Masturbation is okay by me, because it involves absolutely no risk. I can't get pregnant from masturbating, and I can't get used, taken advantage of, or putting myself at risk of getting pregnant or contracting an STD from masturbating. I think sexual urges is a very natural thing to have, and it's okay to take care of them absolutely risk-free.

And no, I don't watch any porn at all. I don't need a visual to sort myself out, I just focus on my own body and how things feel when I do do specific things.

As for my dreams in life, I have many! I would love to start my own business very soon, travel the world some more, learning more languages (I'm a polyglot, and love learning languages!), getting back to Uni as I love studying, and to be happy, healthy and with my family and friends.

Bloody hell people are having such a hard time understanding the OP even though she is explaining herself very clearly and patiently because this is so contrary to how most western women now view sex we can't even understand it.

When in reality most of the world thinks like the OP, and they even did in the west until 5 mins ago.

We're the Weird ones not the OP.

I have answered this question in many other posts.

I think it is the celibacy thing that is confusing people. Celibacy is about not ever wanting to get married or be in a sexual relationship, but you are clearly open to that under the right circumstances. What you are being is sexually abstinent. It's very common and expected in many religious communities. Even a lot of non-religious women want to wait until marriage because they feel they wouldn't be respecting themselves to "give it away" without some sort of commitment from the man.

The only issue with that is the women who actively want to get married and have children will often settle for a dud. But you're lucky because you don't have that drive and so it wont bother you if it never happens.

Pleasuring yourself is NOTHING like real sex.

If real sex with a man is 100%, I would consider masturbation to be 10% at best.

It really is no replacement for having a man inside you, and on top of you, kissing you, caressing you etc. Masturbation doesn't even come close. Excuse the pun.

Would you kiss a man before marriage?

Are you lonely? I mean, do you crave the kind of closeness and bond that only comes from being in romantic love? I deeply care for my family and friends but they don't fulfil the same role in my life that my partner does, even taking sex out of the equation. (I fully understand that some people who have done the long-term partner and children thing are genuinely content to be alone now, but I don't think that's the same as never having had it.)

The question was “Do you think that not having sex makes you better or more superior to those that do?”

and your answer was

“Yes and no.
No, because I do believe we are all more than our sexlife.
Yes, because I think people's sexual choices and behaviour says a lot about their character, and a lot about how much they care about themselves. But in the end of the day, I actually don't care what people do! And they shouldn't care what I think of them”.

The fact you think people’s sexual choices says a lot about their character is so judgemental.

Just because you’ve not found a man you want to have sex with doesn’t make you superior, it just makes you a virgin doesn’t it? I’m not sure that’s the same as choosing to be celibate.

You make a very good point. I have a relative (long passed now) who waited for the right man. She met him at 36, lost her virginity to him and was blissfully happy with him for a few years. But he eventually left her because he could not cope with her expectations of him. She never got over him and never had another relationship.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks...

But a high sex drive means an increased desire for sex, but you don't have sex nor are you fussed about it or have a desire to have it, you wouldn't call yourself celibate otherwise. That's not a high sex drive.

Well, you were interested enough to click on my thread and take time out of your day to write a post in my thread. So not so bizarre of me to think people might be interested.

And yes, it is my private business. You can say that about literally EVERY thread on Mumsnet. It's nobody's business what anybody does with anything in life. But how boring would life be if we could never talk about things from our life, even though they have no impact or importance to others?

With all due respect, nobody forced you to participate in this thread. This section is called AMA, and it allows people to ask curious questions to other people who are in not-so-common life positions or situations. If you are someone who doesn't care about other people's business, perhaps you should log off and live your life, and not be on a disucssion board telling people how none of your business their business is. Just a thought.

I have never been in a relationship.

Hey @Vampirette , just here to offer some solidarity. I was a virgin by choice until 24–not waiting for marriage, but waiting until I found the ideal guy (it ended up being the man I married after we dated for 6 years). I did have previous kissing and make out sessions with other guys, but I never wanted sex or oral sex with them—I wanted sex to be special and to mean something. In fact, it turned out to be a good way to weed out the dickheads, once they found out that sex would not be likely.
Having girl talk with my friends at the time, I could see that many of them would get upset after they were intimate with a guy and he let them down in one way or another. I also felt like there was pressure to over-sexualise teens before they were ready, eg, ‘If you’re still a virgin by x age, you’re a loser.’ Like virginity was something to get rid of quickly out of embarrassment, not something special between two people who care about each other.
When I decided I was ready, DH and I had been dating for about 4 months. We’d only made out when we slept over at each others’ flats, and I told him that I wanted to have sex, and that it would be my first time (he’d had previous sexual partners). We didn’t do it that night, and he made plans to go to a really nice restaurant the following weekend, and afterward he stayed the night at my flat and we DTD. I was glad I waited for someone special, and I wish you all the best in finding ‘your person.’

I think it's good that people don't feel obliged to have sex. But It does seem a bit like you morally disapprove of people both having pre-marital sex, and multiple sexual partners.

Can I ask why you seem to take sexual experiences as negatives that could potentially be 'shameful'?

Of course you should choose who to sleep with (if anyone), but do you think you've been taught or learned that sex is taboo and embarrassing?

I think to put respect down to whether or not sex is involved creates a very easy-to-break relationship. To be clear - I understand where you are coming from and that your faith has supported that position for you. But to say a man will only respect a woman enough to marry her if he isn't sleeping with her is incredibly facile. Mutual respect (or lack thereof) isn't just about sex. Men don't think 'I respect her' just because she won't sleep with them. It's like religion just doesn't want a meeting of minds - it's almost as if a religion set up by men wants men to have a fun sex game.

As someone who is in a very loving and respectful marriage that began with pre-marital sex, I think it's not for anyone to judge. I would absolutely never, ever marry someone I didn't know I was physically compatible with. I have seen several friends wait until marriage and spend their lives having dreadful, boring sex until the inevitable divorce, because they don't know anything better. While with the first husband they were emphatic the sex was great....then they met the next man and eyes were opened.

Anyway, as I said with the OP - your life, your choice. But you and the OP are buying into the myth that sex is something for men, that they must earn, and a woman 'giving in' to her sexuality is weak and has some sort of flawed character. I just feel so bloody sorry for you. I wish you felt more free. But if you are happy, great! Just less of the 'women who didn't do exactly what I did by not having sex have failed' please. It's simply not true. You aren't better than those women who were conned by unworthy men, you were conned by a religion set up to please men. Same thing I guess.

Soooo… you’re not celibate by choice at all! You just haven’t attracted a man you want to marry. You’re celibate because you don’t believe in sex before marriage.

@Vampirette no I don't think I have made better choices than you because I literally don't give a shit about other peoples sex life and I would find it weird and attention seeking if someone said they had pride just because they had sex, just like you have pride that you are a virgin lol I mean yay congratulations I am genuinely happy that you have chosen to have standards and know exactly what you will stand for and not accept.

You haven't chosen a celibate and single life though have you? You can see yourself meeting the right person and having a sex life with them which is pretty much what everyone does isn't it lol

You say you do think your choices are better than other peoples choices and maybe they are for you but being a virgin isn't some great achievement but it does sound like you think quite highly of yourself because of that lol

Again I was expecting some deep and meaningful post about why you have chosen this celibate path but as it turns out it's just someone who hasn't met the right person yet lol