I'm a virgin and celibate by choice - ask me anything

[Vampirette]

As the title says, I'm a (very much adult) virgin who has chosen celibacy as a way of life for various reasons. If that's something anyone might be curious about, feel free to ask questions.

Some info about me that might be relevant to keep in mind (because I know there are a lot of negative stigma and stereotypes about adult virgins):

• I'm heterosexual (woman attracted to only men)
• Yes, I'm religious - but no, my religion is not the reason why I have chosen celibacy (as it actually very much discourages it!)
• I live in a European country I'm not native to. I originate from a Slavic country
• I'm not asexual, or lack sexual drive in any way. On the contrary, I have an extremely high sex drive
• I don't suffer from any mental or physical illnesses or disabilities that prevent me from physical intimacy. I'm in fact a very tactile person who loves to be close to people
• I'm not neurodivergent, shy, autistic, or anything else similar
• I don't have low self-esteem. Quite the opposite...
• I lead a very normal life. I have a family, friends, I went to Uni, have a great job, get on great with everyone I come across, I have lots of hobbies, and I spend a lot of my time travelling
• I don't have any issue with attracting men. Men do show a lot of interest in me, so my celibacy also does not come down to not having options

What does having sex before marriage have to do with valuing oneself? I'm sorry, am I in 1950...??? 🤣

I am all for the lifestyle you want, but I cannot get on board with the 'don't judge me but I am absolutely allowed to judge you, ya dirty sex-haver'! Seriously, you make catholics sounds awful.

You're a virgin, but you enjoy sex?. How does that work?

That's still not choosing to remain celibate though, is it? You are open to a sexual relationship if you meet the right person, whether or not you are actually seeking them.

Many women decide not to have sex unless they are in a relationship and you are no different from this.

In particular many practising Christians and Muslims choose not to have sex unless they are married, and you are no different from this. The only difference may be that you say you are not actively seeking a marriage. But you are still open to it, if you met someone you wished to marry. Which is very different from deciding on a life of celibacy as a choice you are committed to for your life.

If someone says they have decided on celibacy as a choice, I would take that to mean they have decided to reject sex and relationships, but you have not.

All you have done is decided not to have sex with men you don't want to have sex with, which is not that unusual.

I'm all those things and very high quality then. Only difference is... I've had a lot of sex in my life BM (before marriage) and I mean a lot. And now been married for nearly four decades. Bet you won't class me as high quality because of the rampant sex I've had.

I think I meant question as in the preconception of celibacy as being strange or unusual. You’re Muslim though, so IMO that really explains a lot. I know a few Muslim women in their thirties who still live at home and (as far as I know) have never had an intimate encounter. They wouldn’t dream of disappointing their parents.

You talk about celibacy but you are actually practicing abstinence because you do intent to have a relationship in future. You've no moral path leading you to a life of celibacy and just haven't found a partner you want to marry; that's quite different to what your OP suggests

This sums up well what I have been trying to say!

Interesting thread.

are you at peace with being a virgin for your entire life?

Finding a man who is a virgin in his 30s who meets your exacting requirements to marry is going to be nigh on impossible (sorry).

I would really call that celibate other than on a technicality as plenty of people are single and not sleeping with random men. Good luck to you though

That is me. I have chosen to remain celibate for the rest of my life (have had lots of sex, have grown children). I’m not waiting for the right man I’ve closed the book, and happily so. That is different to just waiting for the right man. I’m 63 and if I’d waited for the right man I’d still be a virgin now!

Agree with this.

I high quality man, in my world, is a man who basically offers what I can offer him. I'm not actually asking for more than what I can give. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think we all should know our worth, and not be afraid to demand the best for ourselves (as well as giving our best back, of course).

You are seeing things from a too simple angle. It's not about marriage making sex okay one day from another. It's about what marriage is. It's essentially a legal contract you enter, that basiclaly makes you responsible and committed to the other person - BY LAW. It's a sort of protection and reassurance. It's one of the few ways we women can make men take a risk for us, like they expect us to do for them all the time.

But sure, marriages can break down. It's not the end of the world.

@PumpingIrnBru I think men treat women with more respect and value them more if the woman doesn’t have sex with them and move in with them, have their child. They have to try harder and they put a value on that. If you want marriage, don’t move in with a man and have sex with him. If you don’t want marriage then do as you please of course.

I thought this too although I also idly wondered about 'cerebral narcissism'. Sam Vaknin had quite an amusing and enlightening video about this.

Hmm...you say you are a high quality woman and list off a bunch of positive traits about yourself, however your post just seems to be a lone woman gloating to be honest...not entirely sure what the point of this thread is otherwise.

I think you're confused.

Celibacy = abstaining from marriage and therefore sexual relationships, normally for religious or moral reasons. Monks and nuns etc.

You don't want to abstain from marriage. You're just waiting for the right man (like every man/woman ever) with whom you'll then have sex (like 99.9% of married people).

You haven't made a choice to be celibate. You're just choosing to wait until after marriage to have sex. This really isn't the same thing at all, and really not as unusual as you imply. It certainly doesn't make you a "better" person, or a feminist, or anything really other than someone who just doesn't believe in sex before marriage

What your AMA is really about is "I am a virgin because I'm waiting to get married first". It's absolutely about sex - and your really quite ignorant (as in, not knowing, not omg-you're-so-stupid! "ignorant") understanding of sexual relationships, reproduction, sexual health. You have an extraordinarily high estimation of your worth by which you say you judge any potential suitors.

So I go back to my initial comment: I wish you the very best and hope you find what you're waiting for. Just remember, only the strongest people make themselves vulnerable. It's cowards who never venture outside.

I think the odds of finding a man that ticks your very specific requirements are pretty much nil, but as you’ve stated you’re happy with your life so it doesn’t matter.

Hypothetical question. Let’s say Mr Perfect does arrive. He’s exactly what you’re looking for. You get married. All is good. But then it breaks down and he divorces you. Presumably you’d revert to the life style you’ve currently chosen? And if so would you consider yourself a less ‘high quality’ woman?

You said up thread that you tried living alone and didn't like it, so are living with your parents. I am honestly not saying this to be unkind, but they won't be here forever and I wonder how you envisage your life then, if you haven't lived independently and/or haven't met someone?

So, do virgins enjoy sex? I can't speak for all virgins, but I definitely do. As mentioned, I have a very high sex drive, and I'm actually very open-minded sexually.

How can you say you enjoy sex if you've never had it?

I’m all those things too and so are many other woman. I know you being a Muslim is obviously a big part of this but for non Muslims or non religious people I’m not sure holding one’s virginity like a trophy is a guarantee of anything.

It doesn’t guarantee lasting love or a blissfully happy relationship. You will still be just like everyone else in that your husband might leave you or have an affair or irritate you to distraction or a whole manner of other things that ‘high quality’ woman can face.

Don’t get me wrong I admire your single mindedness but it doesn’t guarantee you a happy ever after any more than the next person.

I can't help that you don't know what I'm talking about. I have explained myself several times now that people have urges and desires BEFORE sex, not after they have sex. I don't know what's so confusing about that?

No, I don't intend on having a relationship - which I have also mentioned a few times now. My intention is NOT to be in a relationship. I just said that I can't predict how life plans out. I'm not looking or waiting for anybody.

As for my attitude towards women goes, I'm sorry you feel that way about it. I actually think it's more misogynistic and much less enlightened of women to commit to men without demanding legal commitment from them first. I guess we are all different, ey?

Fair enough to say you're happy with never experiencing sex but its a naive attitude to have. A bit like going your whole life saying you love chocolate because you like the smell but you've never tasted it and you'll never actually try it. If you don't like the smell that's different, but you say you do, so you're denying yourself for what seems like no reason.

So it’s really a case of not believing in pre-marital sex and not settling for the first slob that comes along to marry. That’s not that unusual.

I have to lol: you're explaining (womansplaining?!) to a bunch of likely married mothers who have almost certainly had sex many times before what marriage is? Can you hear yourself?!

What a waste of time. This thread is an opportunity for you to tell people how much more superior to them you are, an ego trip, from a place of ignorance. Sheesh.

With the greatest of respect, you do not have a high sex drive. No one with a high sex drive would choose this lifestyle. Abstinence would make you feel ill (in my experience). It's such a shame, because you have no idea what you're missing - sex is one of life's most amazing pleasures, and you are denying it to yourself. I would wager that once you've had it you will really regret all those lost years.

Sorry OP but you're not as superior as you think you are, you say you "enjoy sex", yet you're a virgin and have absolutely no idea what sex with a man with feel like. You contradict yourself by saying you'll have sex once you're married, that is not celibacy.

A quick Google result for you:

Celibacy is abstaining from both sex and marriage. It means to never have sex or get married for the rest of your life. Abstinence means not having sex for a period of time, like until marriage.