I'm a virgin and celibate by choice - ask me anything

[Vampirette]

As the title says, I'm a (very much adult) virgin who has chosen celibacy as a way of life for various reasons. If that's something anyone might be curious about, feel free to ask questions.

Some info about me that might be relevant to keep in mind (because I know there are a lot of negative stigma and stereotypes about adult virgins):

• I'm heterosexual (woman attracted to only men)
• Yes, I'm religious - but no, my religion is not the reason why I have chosen celibacy (as it actually very much discourages it!)
• I live in a European country I'm not native to. I originate from a Slavic country
• I'm not asexual, or lack sexual drive in any way. On the contrary, I have an extremely high sex drive
• I don't suffer from any mental or physical illnesses or disabilities that prevent me from physical intimacy. I'm in fact a very tactile person who loves to be close to people
• I'm not neurodivergent, shy, autistic, or anything else similar
• I don't have low self-esteem. Quite the opposite...
• I lead a very normal life. I have a family, friends, I went to Uni, have a great job, get on great with everyone I come across, I have lots of hobbies, and I spend a lot of my time travelling
• I don't have any issue with attracting men. Men do show a lot of interest in me, so my celibacy also does not come down to not having options

You sound exactly like me before I met my now husband. I didn’t demand the same (virgin / celibate) in my partner (in fact, he was the total opposite), it’s just the way I wanted to live my life up to that point.

Doctors never believe my reasons when I kept declining the smear test, men I met wouldn’t believe me, - I think we’re unicorns, lol… do you go through this too??

What is your social life like?

Have you ever kissed anyone?

Why is it tripping you up that I can have a sex drive as a virgin? All sex drive means is feeling an urge or want to have sex. You don't have sex and THEN get a sex drive...you get a sex drive THEN you have sex.

And no, I have never had any experience with a man. And no, I definitely don't wish I would have "just done it". I see no merit in having random sex with random men. I risk it all, the men risk nothing. I'm not for it.

Good look with your abstinence journey!

How do you know you enjoy sex if you’ve never had it?

I have not, no.

I don't understand all this. You sound very knowledgeable and (sorry) even a little patronising about sex, others' sex lives, intimacy etc all whilst not having experienced it. And I don't know how you can be knowledgeable. You say you have a high sex drive but for me that is intertwined and being with an understanding and sexy partner, and you just haven't had that.

I am trying not to be rude, honest!
Physical attraction and wonderful lovemaking/sex is just hugely enjoyable and why would you not partake of a pleasurable experience in your life? If you don't meet this wonderful man who fits your criteria, you might never ever experience it before you die. All for some sort of principle that I can't fathom.

"assuming I'm with the perfect guy".

There are no perfect guys. There are no perfect women either but that's immaterial as not what you're looking for. Even if you find a man who appears perfect for you at the time, even good marriages are hard, hard work involving compromise and tolerance. While having high standards for yourself is estimable, realism about other human beings and their failings (and our own failings) is needed in an equal partnership.

Also, if you want a virgin man of around the same age as you, the pool will be extremely small, like only visible under an electron microscope small.

I’m celibate now but I admit I would have struggled going through life never having had a relationship or sex. I can give it up now with ease but only because I’ve had an active sex life in the past. I could never choose from the off to be celibate even in another life.

I know someone who’s never had sex (in her 50s now) and her mum used to say regarding older virginity, don’t hold on to it for too long as no one will want it. Ironically her sister has six kids.

You are entitled to your opinion. I equally find opposing views on the matter strange and extremely unhealthy.

And I'm not sure what's so confusing about a virgin having urges? When teenagers start to have sex, do yo think they get a sex drive and sexual urges AFTER they have sex or BEFORE they have sex?

What happens to you if something happens to your parents, are you financially stable at the age of 38 one has usually carved an independent life.
As a Muslim woman of this age won’t most suitors be looking for someone younger as the need to have family is important to most.
Being in love is truly wonderful

No, I haven't. And no, I never watch porn. I think sex work is extremely dregrading to humanity in general, but particulary to women. I also find the concept or porn extremely bizarre and embarrassing.

Finding your perfect man is just half of the relationship. The friendship half. This is massively important. You want a relationship where your values align, you have the same or compatible interests, the same sense of humour, the same views on politics, faith, family, etc. All of this is very important. But it is just a friendship.

You have to experience romantic and/or sexual intimacy as well. This should progress alongside the 'getting to know you' and should be natural and wanted. It should be something that is intertwined with your friendship so that it is personal and special. It should grow at the same rate and it should not be something that you feel is dirty, bad or wrong.

You speak as if the whole thing is a contractual agreement. We will have physical intimacy on x date with no going back. I think these standards will probably only lead to disappointment.

Where do you stand on divorce?

Are you doing this to save yourself for "the one? Do you fear you are saving yourself for someone who doesn't exist?
By that I mean lots of people marry, but lots of people also get divorced. The love of their life didn't turn out to be the love of their lives at all.

"I lead a very normal life".

Um?

I really admire you OP, I wish I could turn the clock back and have boundaries as strong as yours.
Do your friends and family know about this, are you able to talk to them about it? And what do they think, are they supportive?

To be honest, the preoccupation with the stage of virginity and long tedious posts scream ASD to me. Most people are never formally diagnosed.

These are a lot of words to say 'waiting for marriage'.

Because that's all you are doing. You're a normal, regular woman who happens to be waiting for marriage. Which is fine, but not particularly noteworthy.

You do you, OP.

But, I confess, I feel quite sad for you. Not because of the Virgin/Celibacy thing, but because of the little cage you've built around yourself under the guise of religion/protection. To me, you sound scared. Scared to be hurt, which makes me wonder what you've seen.... You have such deep-seated misogyny and are so judgemental, you are going to be alone a long time and you will say it's because of 'standards' but actually it's fear.

No one gets a guarantee in life. Not for anything. You can wait and wait and wait and still not be safe from being hurt. This has nothing to do with sex. Being a virgin is probably the least interesting thing about you.

But you are not ready to hear any of this, that is very clear from your replies and I fully expect a snippy reply to this. You are defensive because you are scared.

Just know - no decent person cares about another's sex life. It is meaningless, so don't make it your identity. Good luck OP.

Hi @Vampirette , I am Catholic and was a virgin until aged 34 and on my honeymoon.

There are so many threads on MN by women who have children with men without marriage, asking why their partner won’t propose, why they treat them badly etc. I always want to write, why on earth would they? You are living with them, having sex with them, had their baby, do their laundry, why on earth should they value you when you don’t value yourself? Good for you @Vampirette .

To be honest I think you’re living a bit of a pipe dream if you think you’re going to find the perfect man who is also available, but honestly good luck.

What if you get to 48 and haven’t found him, or 58, 68? I guess if you’re fine with the possibility you’ll forever live as a virgin and never having had a relationship then it’s not an issue.

I agree with your sentiments with regards to porn but how likely do you think in the current day and age that you are ever likely to find a man to have a relationship with who has not watched porn and found pleasure in it?

The stats are not good with regards to this. Pretty much 100% of men have watched porn at some stage in their lives and at least 50% watch on a very regular basis. The rest seem pretty drawn to it and younger men are pretty much infested with it, there is no escape for them, they have grown up with it passed around in whatsapp groups from a young age.

Their idea of sex will be very different to yours?

I do understand why you don't want to enter into a romantic relationship. I'm pretty much with you on how you view men. I'm in a marriage but if I were to start over again, I'd question the value of it all.

Good question. Yes, I do consider myself to be a high quality woman. I'm kind, considerate, responsible, thoughtful, open, honest, reliable, loyal to a fault, extremely faithful and I keep my promises and words. I ahve manners, I take care of myself and others, I'm independent, I ahve interests and hobbies, I cook really well, I enjoy cleaning and housework, I dont have any emotional bagage, I'm very healthy, emotionally stable, I don't have toxic people in my life, I have a great job that I love, I earn well, I'm good with money, I'm fun and spontaneous, I love adventure, I'm genuinely curious about others and the world around me...and I respect people's time so always ensure to be on time for things I have committed to. I think these kind of things make a person high quality.

I do wonder if it's a bit of a catch 22, how far can you truly get to know someone without intimacy, if you've not even kissed a man it's hard to understand if you've ever really gotten to know a man deeply.

Do you think you might look back and regret not having more intimate experiences / closeness with others? Lived and loved a bit?
Are you scared of being hurt?
Have you met no one who you’ve had a connection with ? Taken a chance with someone (who hasn’t given you the ick)?
Would you like to be intimate with someone someday?