I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

I can see from your post that your communication skills are excellent, and you can set clear boundaries - would you say this was a clear prerequisite for your relationship type? Or was this something that you became more skilled at through the course of your relationship?

How does it work in your everyday life? You have to ask permission for everything? Spending money, going out, what to eat etc?

I struggle to see how it can be unrelated to sex - can you explain that? Is it basically that your husband is the boss and can tell you to do whatever he wants? What do you get out of that? I understand that we all have different lifestyles I just don't see how this one in particular is beneficial to you?

Do you ever get bored of the lifestyle? When you want to shake things up in the bedroom do you go all vanilla?

Is your partner able to compartmentalise his thinking about women so he is 'dominant' around you and 'equal' with work colleagues and other women in his life?

why would you subordinate yourself??

Do you have children in your household? How do you avoid setting a very patriarchal example of what a m/f relationship is like and skewing their future relationship aspirations?

Does he hurt you? If so, how and when, and why does he do that?

When you say D/S spiritual relationship, what does it mean?

Enthralled as in fascinated by each other or enthralled as in enslaved?

You sound very direct and dominant in your OP. How much of your true self do you have to bury deep down to live the way you do?

Thank you for the thread.
How does this work in every day life? Do you wait on him hand and foot, or does he pull his weight around the house? Does he make you a cup of tea, put the bins out...etc?
Did you ask permission to start this thread?

Thanks for the thread.

What was your home life like when you were a child/teen? Do you think it’s informed your decision to live as you are?

That sounds exhausting.

Are you at all concerned about young women ending up in abusive relationships in the guise of 'sub/dom' due to the popularisation of it through media and books such as 50 shades of gray?

Hi OP - thanks for an unusual AMA!

Two questions:

Can you give examples of how this works in your daily life - aside from sex? For example, do you act as your Dominant's domestic servant?

Do you ever get tired of being submissive and wish you could take the dominant role?

I really have no idea what this means at all so i am just here for the responses to the questions of others.

It all sounds a little bit too tedious. Also, it sounds like you're playing at relationships. Do you have children?

Do your friends and family know?

We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

jeez it sounds exhausting. Why did you need couple counselling?

Do you know why you desire this type of a relationship? The stereotype is that it perhaps comes from trauma, or because you're so dominant in your working life that it's a release. Do you ever turn it off to just 'be normal' for a bit?

😂 me too.

What does ‘enthralled by each other’ look like to others? Are you constantly all over each other in public or do you keep that private?

thank you for the thread! Very interesting

@Timeforabiscuit, thank you for your kind words. Setting clear boundaries and communications definitely are essential to have a relationship like this. In our case there is a combination of previous experience (we are both managers of people and used to assessing performance and having difficult conversations) and learning 'on the job' so to speak. I would also say another prerequisite is if one has trauma to try to resolve it as much as possible in therapy.

@YellowDaffodilRedTulip I have recently given financial control and I am enjoying it as I have a tendency to spend mindlessly, this has made me more mindful because my partner always starts from a Yes position (a lil bit to my chagrin as I like being told no from him). I have some protocols that I do daily such a meditation before going to bed and asking permission to do things (again, control freely given by me), I sit on a cushion on the floor and not on the sofa, I cook every night and try to put as many Act of Service in the day as I can; I try to put my partner first at all times, but I know he puts me first as well for the care and emotional stability he provides, so when you take out the 'narrative' it's a much more collaborative relationship than it seems at first sight. I like to think of us as a CEO and his COO. He is chief executive and I'm his second in command, with a lot of operational power but ultimately the decisional power is his. I have consented to this freely.

I live a structured, busy life = he keeps you on a very strict timetable so you dont have much time to think about what's really going on.

Interesting topic. How can your D/S relationship be reliably distinguished from a coercive controlling relationship?