I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

I’ve always been curious whether subs can be doms in subsequent relationships (in the event that one breaks down or ends naturally) or whether subs are always so. Thank you for opening an interesting AMA

Just because someone gives consent, doesn't mean they're not vulnerable to abuse or dysfunction.

@menopausalmare : of course, and so am I. I lead a team, I have friends. We all have different roles in life: this is what we are to each other, when we are with others we comply to all societal norms.

If you agree to something such as sitting on the floor instead of a chair, doesn't this make it your choice? How is that subservient when you are just doing what you want and what makes you happy?

Thanks for having the courage to post this @BellaDelBosco. These types of relationships are poorly understood. My DH and I have the opposite dynamic, and only in the bedroom. For many people, this is a perfectly normal and natural part of their sexual expression and is more about voluntary and consensual giving of control than whips and chains. Some people would just rather have their partner be in charge. For us, this is more of a "captain and first mate" situation rather than a "master slave" dynamic.

@beergiggles, we are all subordinated, in a way or another. Power is a spectrum. I've just witnessed 11 men singing 'God save the King' before kicking a ball - they are subordinating themselves, aren't they? They have chosen their subordination, I have chosen mine.

Are you in a more senior work role than your husband?

Not that interested in the sex. Others people’s sex lives aren’t that interesting to me! Am more interested in how you subsume yourself to be acquiescent all the time when there are surely times when you know better about something.
Are you allowed to go out without him? With friends.
Are you allowed to insist he is faithful?

You sit on a cushion on the floor? Do you mean just for your yoga or always? I'd find that really uncomfortable, I mean physically.

Why do you sit on a cushion on the floor instead of the settee ?
If he puts you first wouldn't he want you to feel as comfortable as possible ?
I know this is very trivial in the grand scale of your relationship but i assume this would be generally how you are treated,beneath him not his equal .
I find this dynamic and lifestyle fascinating to read about but equally it makes me feel quite uncomfortable almost angry that anyone would treat someone /allow themselves to be treated this way .
It goes against everything i believe in as a independent free thinking woman, don't you ever feel the need to tell him where to shove his dominance and control and do your own thing?

You have one life, and this is how you choose to live it? There is no universe in which I won't feel desperately sad for you. I'm so sorry for whatever life experiences led to you consenting to this.

I've read with interest your posts on other threads, having to google the many terms to educate myself. I'd be intrigued to know how you build up to CNC activity, how it's instigated.

Domestic abuse role-playing. Have you ever had therapy to find out why you enjoy this?

@AltitudeCheck our children are young adults at university - when they were in the house there was no protocol and to them we were equals. They are both left wing and feminists, and you may be surprised to hear that so are my beloved husband and I. I am exercising my right to choose as a woman and I am so lucky and blessed to be able to do that.

How do you navigate this when out in public? Do your friends and family know about your preference? And do you have children?

My question:

Can you give your personal definition of coercive control, please?

Women’ Aid’s definition includes-

• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep

So, does the role playing stop for example if you've got the shits one night and just want him to pull his weight for once? Surely a nice man sees you towing your back out doing all the chores and actually wants to help you? Who in earth would want their loved one to sit on a cushion? Isn't he uncomfortable in making you sit somewhere that is not as comfortable as where is sat? Does he have a superiority complex?

These questions sound like I'm mocking you. I am absolutely not. I have been involved in threads that state I cannot possible enjoy the sex that I enjoy because the other members simply don't understand it, this is similar. I just don't understand why a loving man would happily live in a world where your discomfort and toil made him happy.

Do you have children? If so, do you worry that observing this dominant/submissive dynamic will influence their future relationships?

To each their own, but as a PP said, I don't know how you are able to maintain a role (especially a sexually rooted one) 24/7. Sounds exhausting

Sorry, cross post. What do you mean by no protocol? You mean there was no visible playing out of your dom/sub relationship, eg sitting on the floor? Are they aware of it now?

How can you have any respect for a man who takes pleasure in the control and degradation of another human being?

What happens when you are unwell? Or a friend comes over? Are you allowed on the sofa then?

@LittleSparklyStar I am never harmed. Nothing we do is unwanted by me; in fact, it's positively desired and wished for. If anything I am the one who'd like to go further.

It means I cherish the divine in my love for my partner and give myself to him unconditionally and fully. Do you know the Beatles song 'across the universe'? That's how it feels. Letting go. Belonging. It's the best feeling in the world, to me.

That's absolutely not the same and you should realise that. Some blokes mumbling along to the national anthem for a couple of minutes is just part of the tradition of the game. They are in no way subordinating themselves to anyone.

I worry that you see the two things as like for like, tbh.

What happens when your children are visiting? Do they know you live this lifestyle?