I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Yes. Very strange.

and he is with me now holding me whilst we watch England

Who on earth talks like this 😂

I certainly feel queasy.

OP, I believe there is evidence of being Sub, with hospital stays as a child. Can I ask were you in hospital as a child?

There is something about your description that seems to get my back up. I think what grates is that I (as have many women here) have lived with an actual dominator. Someone capricious; angry; abusive. Saying stuff like “I always ask permission” sounds, not very dominated. It sounds like a game, where you have appropriated the abuse of women for your own gratification. Do you think that’s a fair assessment?

I mean it's pretty creepy to want to discuss this with randoms on the internet.

Thanks for opening this thread, OP.

You say you live this lifestyle 24/7 but you also lead a team at work. How does this work - I don’t see how you can be living the lifestyle 24/7 as you’re (presumably) making executive decisions autonomously on a daily basis. Do you find that difficult? Or do you find that you like the conflicting aspects of your life?

Hi OP - thanks for an unusual AMA! You are welcome <3

Two questions:

Can you give examples of how this works in your daily life - aside from sex? For example, do you act as your Dominant's domestic servant? I think I've responded to this above.

Do you ever get tired of being submissive and wish you could take the dominant role? God no I am already a leader at work, and that's exhausting enough.

What’s real and what’s pretend role play? Obviously if you really wanted to do something, then you just would. So what’s real life and what’s part of the role play?

What do you do for a living, OP?

Hmm, curious you’ve no explanation for how he’s holding you whilst he’s on the sofa and you’re on the floor…slip up there?

I'm concerned about your comment about bringing thin-skinned. That sounds like a resilience issue. What was your upbringing like?

Can the subaltern queef?

The language used is very strange.

Nobody I've ever met in my life actually talks like this.

It seems like a traditional 50s marriage but you get a raw deal because you have to work in addition to all the housewife stuff. Plus you have to be a man pleaser in the bedroom.
I don't think you've answered what happens if you are ill, would he take on the cooking and cleaning? Also do you have to have sex whenever he wants it, even of you are tired or have a headache?
Also would you ever consider a role swap to mix it up a bit?

Submissives are often people who are in positions of authority at work.

OP, I find it a bit odd that so many people are telling you that you are being abused, but no one has accused me of "abusing" my DH.

Having read all your posts on this thread, OP, apart from the sitting on the floor bit, you could be describing my parents’ marriage. They didn’t label it, it was the norm for their generation.

My mum was no2, my dad no1. She did everything for him and he was the ultimate decision maker.

Not exactly groundbreaking. Just not how modern women would accept married life.

Some do, my sister knows and some friends.

I have never been in therapy, I'm lucky, haven't needed it, so I don't really understand the terminology - who the hell wants to ' reclaim their trauma?'
Reframe it, yes, but reclaim it?

Note: I am having a break because I'm going to make dinner before watching Spain v. Italy. I will come back later or tomorrow.

Surely it's obvious why? Men still hold most of the control in this world. Your husband ceding his control to you in the bedroom alone doesn't mean he is ceding it elsewhere. Whereas OP has ceded power in all areas, including financial. He could tell her to leave her job tomorrow or not see her family anymore and she could feel obliged to comply.

Hopefully Op will answer my question then

What an interesting thread OP, thank you so much for starting it.

I think I can understand, in a small way, the joy of being with a lifestyle dominant as a strong, feminist, independently minded woman. I understand it is about relinquishing control to someone that understands you absolutely, and that it is not about being subject to the whims/sexual impulses of some randomly chosen male.

I have to say that as a sex worker, I have only experienced (ie seen and occasionally been physically involved with) couples that enjoy this lifestyle in the sexual arena - although these are people that as I understand live the sub/dom relationship full time in all areas of their life. I am curious about the lifestyle aspect as I've never asked anyone about it (it would be inappropriate in my interactions).

So my question for you is- what do you get out of the situation? What about it is beneficial for you? How does your lifestyle with your husband fulfil you - psychologically, mentally and physically. Many thanks if you choose to answer.

I prefer sitting on the floor to the sofa lol my partner died in February and he always used to say to me "why are you on the floor lol it's weird" i have always preferred it but I think it's to do with my ADHD, I wouldn't sit on the floor if it was expected of me though because I hate being told what to do lol. It sounds like you have to try so hard at this relationship and it sounds bloody exhausting tbh

Did your DH give you permission to post this thread? Or do you only need permission for things when you don't care if it's a yes or a no?