I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

If you were that concerned you’d have read all the OP’s posts including the ones where she describes her childhood trauma and abuse.

Is anyone else a tad concerned that the OP hasn't replied for 4 days?

Her DH was aware she had started the thread and I assume had access to read it. From what she's said she has no privacy or personal autonomy in any way so she has no way to communicate (including to ask tor help) that her DH wouldn't see.

He will have seen that many posters felt she was in a seedy/ abusive/ damaging/ worrying etc relationship.

Could he have turned nasty as a result of this and blamed her for starting the thread in the first place?

Nope, I think she probably just got tired of being flamed.

As a submissive in a 24/7 DS relationship myself, they would have laughed at or got off on your outrage, and she will have been bored of trying to justify herself.

As a submissive in a 24/7 DS relationship myself, they would have laughed at or got off on your outrage

That's nice dear.

😂

So that’s 3 submissives on this thread interesting I’d say

ok so what I’ve got is
24/7 must get boring surely.
wears a necklace I’m thinking a dog collar for some reason as it’s heavy
he owns her
sees herself as a slave
was abused as a child and I don’t think it’s been dealt with
goes to munches to pass on and gain tips on the relationship dynamics
oh and now is bored with us all.

think that’s it

Seriously most women couldn’t/wouldn’t live this life and I myself think this is an abusive relationship to be honest..

No, you just don't understand the superior nature of this type of relationship @Sevenwondersofthewoo! It's beyond the ken of boring "vanilla" people.

Vanilla
kinky
bdsm
etc

whatever sex your having isn’t boring to that person

oh and vanilla people how old are you 15

I’m going to have some vanilla sex tonight. Quite looking forward to it, actually. 🍦

whatever sex your having isn’t boring to that person

oh and vanilla people how old are you 15

Yes I was being sarcastic.

How did you miss her obvious sarcasm? It was visible from outer space. She was agreeing with you!

I'm going to have a nice cup of tea and some chocolate cake.

🤣 ☕️🍰

Please ask permission first. 😜

I've just watched something about people with a history of child sexual abuse which results in mental conditions to enable the person to cope with it. Perhaps the OP presents in this way as part of this coping. I have no idea why a woman would allow someone else to treat them in this way.

@IntoTheMild
"As a submissive in a 24/7 DS relationship myself, they would have laughed at or got off on your outrage, and she will have been bored of trying to justify herself."

I hope the 'your' in your reply is not directed at me as I was not outraged at the OP's lifestyle at all. In fact I was one of the very few pps who commended her for apparently having forged a happy life, a lasting relationship, and causing no harm to anyone else.

But I am concerned about any woman who is unable to maintain an exit strategy because she has no financial independence, nor is able to communicate privately without her DH's knowledge.

The fact that the OP is subjected to indescribably awful 'punishments' from her DH just adds to the natural concern about the fact the DH is unlikely to have been best pleased about the majority of reactions on this thread - which included derision, accusations of him being an abuser, attempts to persuade the OP she should escape etc.

Ignore

DS relationships are built on trust and love, and are, in the majority, less strict and with more laughter than they would seem to have from an outside perspective.

This is typical propaganda by BDSMers. There is plenty of male on female abuse that I'm aware of which is No True Scotsmanned away as "not true Dominants, because true Dominants are good men".

OP, I see you mention shadow. How do you see this playing into your dynamic!

Am not OP, but when you are an abused person, there is a certain amount of comfort in falling into the arms of an authoritative person, who appears to want the best for you.
In my experience, in a martial arts club, we were sought out frequently by young people who had no role models (male or female) but who thrived under the family atmosphere.
It's probably the same incentive that drives people to the Manosphere, and so on, who appeals to your vulnerabilities, but seems to be fighting for you.
Maybe it's the same for Femsubs too. They want a benign dictator; someone who leads the way, but has their best interests at heart.
Disclaimer:Am not a female submissive.

I also have a broader question, for you and all, do you think serving is not a noble act that deserves respect per se? I do.

@BellaDelBosco Yes but the highest forms of giving are without reward/expectation of reward. Just out of generosity rather than for a sexual/psychological thrill.

Even more to be esteemed is to give to someone who is poor etc and can't reciprocate. (Luke 14:13.)

I know this thread is dead now but I looked up the books the op recommended. I'm def not into BDSM, but I'm curious about what makes people to get off on being humiliated and dominated to the extent op does.

Raven Kaldera, the author of one bk and editor of another, and a pagan, has been accused of telling rape survivors they were raped as a strength test from Odin, and worse..
http://www.newagefraud.org/smf/index.php?topic=3819.0

Thank you OP I am a dominant woman who is currently negotiating a lifestyle D/s arrangement with my partner and this thread has been really interesting and helpful, I am finding it difficult to find good, real resources to navigate this stage of our lives as there’s a lot of erotica but little about the problems and issues that people face when deciding to live in a power exchange relationship. I’ve registered just to read your posts, I haven’t bothered with the full thread but I’ll read it all in the next few days.